So, this month I decided that I was going to be intentional about enjoying my life everyday. I have been giving an account of how I've had fun everyday, and I've been thinking about what I've done and what I could do to enjoy my time more. Here's my reflection on the experience:
1.)Finding Fun Changes You.
I honestly think that my perception has changed. I have done some really impulsive things this month, things that I usually would be way too thoughtful to do. Having an attitude that you're entitled to enjoy your life makes you more open to have experiences.
2.) Looking For Fun Might Bring Trouble
Being open to experiences also means you're more at risk of making some rash decisions. Don't lose your head, there's also a reason for the doubts you might have.
3.) Expectation May Cause Insistence
Getting a taste for what you want might lead you to always want things to go your way. They won't. I have found it quite liberating at times this month to think that I was the deciding vote in my own life. I relished the fact that I could have what was in my heart to have and do, but the truth is that that just isn't always true. The truth is that at some points you only get to clutch on to your expectation, but the reality is the same and you have to trust that the good is coming. You have to pick up the bricks that build your hopes and dreams and know that eventually, if you stick at it, you'll see the whole house finished.
4.) You Deserve Your Dreams
Spending just the month thinking about what I wanted and how I could find happiness wherever I found myself has meant that I'm more in tuned with my own feelings, and it has also meant that I've been more in tuned to other people as well. I found myself saying to all kinds of people that "You deserve to be happy!" And I really meant it. The idea of bringing funs to your life starts off as what you need and evolves, in my experience to something that you want to bring to your whole environment. You deserve to ask for and see your dreams come true.
Do you know what I've been discovering? We don't know the first thing about life, and ourselves. As a therapist, I spend hours a week explaining my impressions of people's struggles and relationships to them, and this is an appreciated and necessary service because we humans don't seem to get the half of what goes on around us. Five years ago, I thought that I was a really open-minded and adventurous individual because I'd lived in loads of places and I'd seen a lot. I was so wrong. Two years ago, I experienced the worst depression of my life, and I have never been the same since. Imagine being dangerously depressed! Me! Ms. Incontrol was emotionally engorged and in desperate need of others, partially because nothing was happening as I thought it should, and my plan couldn't comfort me. I saw myself in a totally different light after that, because almost no one knew how at risk I was even right as it was happening.
I didn't really mean to get quite so heavy, but I was thinking about the fact that sometimes it takes a HUGE world shaker to wake us up to our own mindsets and occasionally, mistakes. Five-years-ago-me would have thought that you should avoid mistakes like the plague - I was so extreme that a potential mother-in-law of mine gave me a plaque that read "Don't be afraid to fail." I am learning that mistakes are so valuable. Months ago I wrote a post On being Wrong, and the main message was that encountering life's losses caused grief, and this was because we humans do not like to be wrong. Today's post is about expanding your mind to see how your being wrong was/is beneficial for you now. I so value the mistakes that I made in the last two years especially, because they brought me out of myself and showed me that there was something a lot better for me out there.
Today I'm back out to work, even though that was tremendously difficult. I had to use a giant spatula to get myself out of my bed, but I'm feeling pretty good, all things considered. Have you ever noticed the delusional existence that the holidays produces? Whether it's euphoria or longing, I often find myself in a cloud of some sort during the Christmas/New Year season, and this year was quite thorough. Every year though, there is a point where I come back to reality - where I understand that I can't live in those moments forever, but that life is continuing to happen all around me and I better get involved, or watch it pass me by.
My question for the day is what do I need to get involved in today? I've found myself in a couple situations in the last few days where I had to really confront my desires. I have been learning recently that you HAVE to say how you feel. The funs of the day are about being confident enough in yourself to say what you really, truly want. You'll have consequences to face with that, but what kind of life do you want to lead? One where whatever is handed to you is what you have, or where you actively shaped the life you end up with? Think carefully about what you want to create.
Apologies for the inadequate documentation here, but I was the last person to arrive at Boxing Day lunch at my parents' house, and so I didn't remember to take pictures of the rolls while they were all in the display. I made stuffed dinner rolls and Tofu in satay sauce in the end. The rolls were a raging success, but the Tofu was too salty in my opinion (yes, it was the first time I'd tried that recipe).
As part of my insistence to maintain transparency with you as I go through my December funs, I am going to say that sometimes, you get to the point where you feel as though you should have everything that makes you happy. That wasn't the intention of this exercise. This exercise is not about becoming a hedonist in the true sense of the word, but rather it is about seeing the value in all the experiences that you have, because of the knowledge that God is in all of those experiences.
I was trying to find this article I read in the last week about purity and the benefit of a personal morality to live your life by, but alas, my Christmas food and family fed brain is muddled. I'll leave you with this last thought - you can't become shaped (read: build something in particular) if you're willing to add or subtract any and every thing. In a quest to experience and appreciate the good in everyday, don't forget that you have a responsibility yourself to do good and sometimes if you're not actively pursuing good, you're actively pursuing something... else.
So, living through the end of the Mayan calendar this morning caused a moderate stir all over the world. Apparently, NASA has been bombarded with calls in the last few weeks from people demanding reassurance that there is no electromagnetic apocalypse looming. Meanwhile, I've seen posts of everything from Photoshopped pictures of electromagnetic impulses in the Australian sky to jokes about a Mayan April Fools' on Facebook. My question last night, as everyone had something to say about this end of the world was what if it really was the end?
The reason I asked was not so much about 21.12.12 but more about facing the cessation of life as you know it. What if your doctor/shrink/guru said to you that after the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, you'd no longer be a part of this world as you know it? What would you do? Today's funs for me are about making every moment count, and just making sure I've held every experience in my arms, that I've smiled long enough and said all of my "I love yous." Have you done that lately?
So, I've been talking about finding what's in your heart and then making a decision to go for it. I even said that I was on the verge of making a big decision based on what I've discovered in my own heart. I want to make sure I paint a real picture of the experience to you though...
I searched and searched my own heart and found a certain amount of peace in the decision to move, to make a choice, to just "go for it," but really and truly there is a lot of risk in that, and with risk comes fear. I have some REAL concerns about taking a plunge into the ocean of my dreams. It looks so inviting here from the jetty, but what if the water's too cold? What if there are sharks? Or salt water crocodiles? What if the notions I have of my strength as a swimmer are completely unfounded? What if the currents are much more than I can handle?
I want you to see that fear, because this is a true story. When you chase your dreams, you face your fears. There's no compromise on that one. Actually, when I started writing this post, I was second guessing a decision I am about to make. In the interim, I read a post from a Facebook acquaintance about how happy she was to have married her husband, and it got me thinking about my life lately. I believe, that when you get to a place where nothing you do is exciting you and giving you hope for a better future to come, it's time to change some behaviours.
The first step, in my mind is to change the way you think about what you have - appreciate your blessings, and don't overlook them.
Secondly: search your heart. Are you uncomfortable or clashing with people or situations because they are offending you, or because you are offended by what you aren't doing?
The third step is to take responsibility: What about your situation is really about your attitude? Can you build something differently to the way you're trying to? Is there a good argument that someone else is making that you could be listening to?
The fourth step is to separate yourself from what spontaneously offends you. If there is a situation or a person in your life that is causing your negative feelings, it's time to start thinking about how that relationship has to either change or be severed. What boundaries do you need to develop, or enforce? Can you afford to leave this person or situation behind?
Step five: Sobriety. You can read this with a stubborn head on your shoulders, and I would have just convinced you (not that you needed it) that you're absolutely right and all the idiot naysayers in your life have no clue what they're talking about. Don't do that. The chances are that in some areas, you're dead wrong about what you should do, and someone is trying to speak wisdom to you. Listen carefully.
Step six is to realise that you probably won't see clouds part and hear a booming voice from heaven saying "THIS IS THE RIGHT DECISION! YES! EVERYONE, BOW TO THE RIGHT PERSON OVER HERE! S/HE'S GOT THIS ALL FIGURED OUT." This is going to require a step out in faith, with only the evidence you've accumulated.
Seven: Get your scales out. Weigh the feelings you have now, having changed absolutely nothing and those things deep in your heart that you want to do, but are too afraid to try. Which one weighs heavier?
Having gone through the steps, my last thought for you (and for me) is to ask a question. Which feeling are you willing to live with? Is it the uncomfortable knowledge that you were made for more than this, or the knowledge that you have tried (and will try) absolutely everything to get to where you want to be? Look at yourself in the mirror. Everything you hope to be is valid, and you don't have to settle for "Okay." Be everything you dream of being. Help everyone you meant to. Love people so that they know it.
Today's fun is in realising that sometimes when you feel yourself almost physically writhing in discomfort, it's because you're just in the wrong place. Sometimes the scary thing is in not knowing what would be if you did what was in your heart to do. Should you go after that person, that job, that promotion? What might happen if you do? Sometimes the worst case scenario is worst in our heads, and sometimes the worst case scenario is a very real concern. I think the important thing is to ask yourself what kind of life you'd like to lead?
You can exist perfectly "well" by maintaining the status quo - whatever circumstances you find yourself in, you survive through, or you can be one of those people who is dancing with life - when circumstances change and you no longer feel that all is well, you take a new step. This is not an easy life (neither are, I don't think) but one where you have to talk to yourself daily, acknowledging then that you choose to live beyond what has been confirmed, and instead live based on your strongest notions. It means that the potential for error is higher because you aren't living solely based on sight. You have to be willing to manage risks, or you have to be willing to manage dissatisfaction.
In this moment right now, Monday morning, what do you have faith for, and what are you afraid to jump in to? I'm staring my fear in the face right now, and I'm about to jump. I'll divulge the details in a subsequent post, but whatever you have churning, it's time to make a decision. Know that you have everything you need, as long as you believe in yourself. Go for it!
Today Andrew Lewis, our first Olympic sailor, attempted a sail from Pigeon Point, Tobago, to Maracas Bay, Trinidad. This is a fifty mile distance, and the conditions were said to be rough. In a small group, we found ourselves awaiting the arrival of the young Olympic sailor, having a blast of our own.
Today's funs are about going for whatever is in your heart. Andrew Lewis' goal was to make history with this sail, as the first person to ever sail this path in a 14 foot Laser. What thing do you wish you could do? I'm thinking very seriously about that question, and I'm going to do what's in my heart to do. Details to follow!
I really can't stay ... Baby, it's cold outside. I've got to go 'way ... Baby, it's cold outside.
This evening has been ... Been hoping that you'd drop in So very nice ... I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mama will start, to worry ... Beautiful, what's your hurry? And Father will be pacing the floor ... Just listen to that fireplace roar!
So really I'd better scurry ... Beautiful, please don't hurry! Well maybe just a half a drink more ... Why don't you put some records on while I pour (excerpt from Frank Loesser's "Baby it's Cold Outside")
While in graduate school, I took an entire module that focused on the problem of ambivalence - when you're not even sure what you want, or you simply can't decide between a couple choices of behaviour. One of the most popular therapeutic treatments for ambivalence toward (stopping or continuing) a behaviour is called Motivational Interviewing (MI). In Motivational Interviewing, the therapist will be actively creating a non-judgemental and supportive environment that gives regular feedback to the client in attempts to help them see a better future for themselves, based in reality. The key to MI is in the therapist's understanding that every client is at a different stage of readiness to change. Is the client getting help voluntarily? Is this mandatory treatment? These factors impact the client's potential to successfully move out of one behaviour pattern and into more healthy ones.
I bring this up today because this day's funs revolve around admitting to my own ambivalence. I believe (and I've seen it in session!) that we can literally be bound by our own refusal to admit certain realities to ourselves. Denial is a powerful defence mechanism, and while it does save us from some acute discomfort, it doesn't make the realities go away. Sometimes, our denial is hurting us, and the people around us even as we sigh in relief not to have to face certain truths about the world, or ourselves. Last year, 2011, was the most difficult year of my life so far, and I was quite unpleasant to be around, I think. By this time last year, I was depressed, on month three of no-pay injury leave and seriously questioning the validity of my existence. I worked a total of 3 weeks in the year 2011. True story.
My parents, by the middle of 2011 (or maybe even within the first quarter!) were saying that if I wasn't happy here, then I should just move back to England. I was saying no, because I felt like this was where I needed to be. I was seriously ambivalent about it on a deep level because I felt so unhappy. I applied for jobs everywhere from Texas and Norway to Sub-Arctic Canada and considered positions in the Middle-East, Nigeria and the UK. I believe that this was where I was supposed to be, but I prayed to God not to be there any more. Have you ever been to that place?
I'm talking about this now, because I can honestly say that I do not regret having had the year 2011. I don't know if I've publicly credited 2011 for it's good to me, but what a year! I did not enjoy going through many of the experiences I had then, but 2011 changed my life. Had I not been rejected by those particular grad programs, I'd never have had a job in the corporate world doing what I thought was my ideal job. Had I not severed my ACL, I would not have gotten counselling clients then been offered an office space. I might not have realised for several more years and dollars that I was slightly off-track. I started 2011 in all kinds of denial. I refused to consider that I was applying to the wrong types of programs (even though the thought crossed my mind that I shouldn't be applying at all), I refused to consider that the person I hoped would be my future didn't treat me with enough consideration (even though this was obvious) and I absolutely refused to consider that I could be happy without those things happening in the time-frame I preferred. I had my mind made up at the beginning of the year that there was no happiness to be had while I lingered in this space, and by December 2011 I had convinced myself quite thoroughly of that.
2012 has been a year where I learned that I don't get to control everything, and there is a line where responsible planning becomes some form of idolatry where I worship my plan more than I experience true life and the input (that I treasure) of God. This post is entitled Breathing because sometimes, that's all your space will allow you to do. Sometimes you are in a space where you are completely exposed, and you have to look at yourself clearly there, and it huuurts, but then you breathe, and you realise that no evil can come from truly seeing yourself, and you can't truly overcome into a more hopeful future until you deal with what you're desperately clutching on to. You can't do it alone though, and this is maybe the most valuable thing that I learned in the year 2011. I am not alone, and I don't want to be alone. Let the people in your life love you. Breathe it in, and give it: out.
I like cooking, and one of the staple vegetables I like to use as a base is often a nice, healthy onion. The thing with onions though is that I almost always peel away at least a couple layers, until the texture and look of the onion is in my opinion, "right." Sometimes though, it looks okay on the outside, but then I cut it in half and find that just a single layer, deep in the onion is no good. Apparently, it isn't rotten as I would assume, but instead, it is a layer of "internal browning" where just this section of the onion received the effects of a calcium deficiency (causing the tissue to collapse) most likely from drought experienced by the plant during its growth. The rest of the onion is perfectly fine, apparently, but that section is underdeveloped and has, in some cases, died. I encounter myself this way too.
I enjoy it when I peel away another layer of my self, my hang-ups, my little insecurities and I come up with a consistent picture. I like to know that I'm not phoney, or different for different people. Even when I must flex in conversation and relationship, there's something comforting for me in the knowledge that I am consistent. Occasionally, that means that I'm surprised by a layer of internal browning - where some part of me suffered the effects of drought and as such didn't develop. I am imperfect, and sometimes I haven't developed everything that you can't even see I haven't developed, and that's okay. It doesn't mean that the whole of me is bad, but that one layer needs some attention - it isn't the same quality as the rest of me, and I need to get rid of it.
That's liberating to know that even if I encounter an entire layer of self that isn't "good," it doesn't mean that I'm all bad. All it means is that the circumstances of life have made an impact on me, and I must examine what I have produced with those circumstances.
Okay, so most of you know that I've challenged myself to 31 days of fun. This is in response to the revelation I've had recently about the value of living by a principle of now. The idea is that there is joy to be had in a world, or an existence where what exists in "the moment" is enough. So far, we've had eight posts about nine days of fun having, and I thought that on this day I'd review the experience so far, and also admit to my reactions.
I've been quite literal about the challenge so far, where I thought about the entertaining things I was doing and I displayed each one proudly here on the blog. I have to admit to something, though. I've had a hard time getting out of bed to go to work most (if not all) of these fun days, and I'm still nowhere near the social creature that I know myself to be. I'm admitting to these things because the one hope of this blog is that my thinking and the experiences that I have can help someone who has experienced or thought something similar. The fact is that I don't want this to turn into some long winded Facebook where I paint you a lovely picture of my amazing life. No.
I talked about experiencing joy everyday like I expect we would in heaven, but there's a very real other side to that story... This isn't heaven. I am still going to model that principle of looking for my present good, my now hopes and happiness, but I am very concious of marketing some miracle therapy to you. The fact is that this is a decision I'm making. Neither is it a box checking exercise, nor is it a wonder treatment. Some days I remember that there is good right here, and some days I groan as I realise I've run out of snoozes on my morning alarm. I'm going to leave you with a song that I think sums up my attitude pretty nicely:
I wake up each morning with a song in my mind,
And I'm always so eager to rise and shine;
I look at the ocean playing tag with the shore,
And I know that I've come home forever more.
I left the big city and the bright lights behind,
The freeways and neon — I almost went blind;
So, I packed my belongings and I came back to you,
Now if this isn't heaven I think it will do.
If this isn't heaven it's sweet and it's true,
Oh, dear ol' Placentia my heart goes with you;
May I wander your meadows my whole life through,
And if this isn't heaven I think it will do.
Now, I don't earn the dollars that I did years gone by,
But you don't need a fortune to be happy and thrive;
For there's more things to heaven than a dollar or two,
Now if this isn't heaven I think it will do.
I've got me a good wife and my friends old and new,
And I know when I need them they'll always come through;
I've got the mountains and valleys and the lifestyle I choose,
Have you ever gotten into the car without knowing exactly where you were going? Although we started out saying we'd head to the beach, today, that was us. As we got ready to leave, a huge cloud positioned itself over the valley and it began to bucket down with rain. We got into the car and went "for a drive" instead. By the end of the trip, we'd visited a fort, sat down to some Asian food and watched the movie "The Life of Pi" at the local cineplex. It was a good day :)
Today my brother and his wife leave to go back to England. I hadn't seen them in three years before this visit. They're leaving in the final quarter of my work day, and ordinarily I might've been rigid enough to assume that I couldn't make the space to see them off under these special circumstances. Not today. My fun for the day is in making the most of what's good right now. Family is VERY important to me, so I am intentionally pursuing them, and not being too caught up in functioning to notice that good is right here.
What is right in front of you that you're not doing? Yesterday I finished work and promptly joined my family at Maqueripe Beach, on the north-west coast of Trinidad and about 30 minutes from my home. I didn't go swimming because it was too late by the time I got there, but I thought to myself what a great idea! Now this is one of my confessions: I've spontaneously gone to the beach just 30 minutes away from me exactly zero times for the year 2012. That's going to change!
So I've been writing about how I'm having fun each day. Yesterday's post was challenged a bit by some of our regulars, because I didn't explicitly say "This ____ is how I'm having fun today," but the idea behind that post was that sometimes it's a special kind of joy to know that you are enough, you have enough and that you are beautiful just the way you are. That doesn't mean that you don't need to continue learning and growing, but it is meant to address the tendency in us humans to think that we are incomplete without some representation of happiness (a new car, new job, new location). We are incomplete, in my opinion, but not because of the things we don't have. In my mind we are incomplete until we can witness and understand eternity. Until we can witness and understand God, we are incomplete, and nothing on this earth will make us feel finished, except, perhaps, the moments where we encounter God.
I subscribe to the principle that "God is good, all the time" and also that God is Omnipresent, or everywhere. That means for me, that in every moment of the day, I should be able to experience God. That is MUCH easier said than done, but I'm consciously pursuing good in every moment. This morning, I didn't want to get up to go to work, but I did it anyway. The good I found was in seeing my best friend and drinking the coffee she made me when I got to work. I also found good when I saw my mum this morning and she told me to have a good day. These may seem like mundane things, or maybe just routine things, but I want to treasure every moment of my life. Yesterday I got a certificate from my company that states how much my life is insured for, and who would be my beneficiary in the event of my demise. Morbid stuff, I know, but when I think about the end of my life, I think about the people that I love, and the impact I would have made on the world while I was here. I am the most blessed of people to have the family and loved ones that I do. I should bake God a pie for the people He gave me.
Eph. 2:10 - “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
So, the above is a bible verse that says that you and I are masterpieces of God. I believe that wholeheartedly, which is a special liberation for me because in those inevitable moments where I feel invalid (in whatever capacity), I can reflect that I am not a mistake, and hence, there is more to be seen than I do in that moment. Even if you have no belief in God, and instead think that you exist solely because of the process of natural selection, it means that you exist today because your features, your traits and characteristics were superior and made you better adapted to survive your environment. Imagine this: whether you believe in God or in a spontaneous natural process of evolution, the fact that you survived to this moment means that you have what it takes to do so.
If you believe that you are a fine specimen of everything you are supposed to be, that doesn't mean you have everything all set. Actually, if you are a masterpiece it means that you should take care of your surfaces, it means that exposure to extreme temperatures may dull your beauty and you may need to be touched up. The challenge for you and I, masterpieces that we are, is to make sure that the conditions in which we are kept and the means by which we are restored do not compromise the original work of art.
The above is a Spanish painting (Ecce Homo, or Behold the Man) originally completed by artist Elias Garcia Martinez in the 1800s, an endeavour commissioned by the church that it has been in for more than 100 years. Recently (August, 2012), an 80 year old woman took it upon herself to restore the painting (picture on the right). Apparently, critics have taken to calling the painting "Ecce Mono" or Behold the Monkey, because of the extent to which the church patron altered the work.
To go back to our ideas about Masterpieces, some amount of supervision is necessary when you restore yourself to your original glory. If light and moisture (read: the stresses of life) make your colours less brilliant, or etch holes in your canvas, you must be restored. In doing so though, you have to protect the integrity of your original work. To use the natural selection argument, if you find your old methods no longer sustainable, or the practices no longer produce food for you and your family, then you have to evolve. In either stance, you must follow a trusted path to restoration, lest you transform or evolve into something altogether separate from your original self.
My position is that you have good inside of you. It is that the deep seated person that only you know about is the one that needs to come out. People walk by and they add a brush stroke here or a hostile environment there and these things show up on us when our colours start becoming dull. When people can't really describe you when asked, or when they describe you and you don't recognise the person that they've illustrated, then you know you're starting to fade. It's time to be restored.
Do you know where your good restoration is? The kind that will take you back to your original glory? Today I'm thinking about this question, because ultimately this suggests that I am enough, I have enough and who I am originally is beautiful.
I don't know what you thought of yesterday's post, whether you thought it was simplistic, just not that inspiring, or if you "got it," but I'm actively trying to simplify things. Today, I'm declaring my "funs" so far. Remember the last few posts about activating a principle of NOW in life? I'm finding this quite liberating, because it means that there is good in every moment, and I am giving myself an opportunity to see and do good in the present tense. For me, this has meant that in my professional life, I am no longer a victim of annoying circumstances, and I have a responsibility to myself to do better where better can be done.
In my case, I have an incarcerated book author deep inside of me who has attempted three escapes so far. That's a part of me that isn't being actualised, and I have blamed my professional circumstances on that because I thought if only I had more time, or a more relevant context, then I could write more. NOW. One of the things that makes us feel we aren't living life is doing things mostly out of function, rather than fit. Are you spending any time doing the things that you yearn for? Do you know what you yearn for? I yearn for several things, and one thing that I have identified clearly is to finish and publish the book(s) that bubble(s) in me. I've started writing again, and I went to work this morning feeling a lot less resentful. My message for the day is don't let your environment steal your joy. We all feel at one point or another like people, circumstances or obligations hold us back from something, but I'm saying take one step. I'm saying that there is something right now that you know clearly that you wish you could do, but you don't do it because you feel like something is holding you back.
Don't let let life be your excuse for not having a life.
I've decided to make an active choice to have FUN for the rest of the year. This is my challenge for you. Everyday, for the rest of the year, I'm going to account to you about how I had fun.
Starting on December 1: I flew to the island of Tobago for the weekend with my parents, my brother, his wife and my best friend. Does that count as two days? In case you don't think it does, I played with my mother's cocker spaniels and took a few minutes to watch the ocean view from my balcony. Now, in case you think these are small things, my colleague at work has already told me that I look radiant with happiness. Do you want to come with me? Let's actively enjoy our lives everyday.
This is probably going to sound a little weird to you, but when I was growing up, I really struggled with the idea of heaven. All the Sunday school teachers in my life ever said to describe it was that it was a lovely place with streets of gold, clouds and pearly gates. All I could think to my pre-teen self was that that didn't sound better than earth. Actually, in my most honest moments, I wondered if heaven was a really boring place with clouds and gold streets (for whatever reason). I felt very guilty about this feeling for a very long time, until I looked around at beautiful earth, I experienced God so well in the beauty of earth, and I became convinced that heaven could not be a supernatural place in the sky where gold streets, clouds and passed-on people went if they were good. I decided at some point that heaven had to have more spectacular waterfalls than Iguazu, that there were probably more beautiful sights than the Maracas Lookout, and that there must be social interactions, only they would be missing the clumsy fumbles of our humanity (no misinterpretations, misunderstandings or mis-speech). This helped me so much to think of heaven as a place with more perfect versions of things I understand (like scenery and relationships) because I honestly wondered what we would be doing in a place that has no manifestation other than the spiritual, save some precious metal and stone.
Perhaps the biggest selling point of heaven is that we have an undiluted experience of God. THAT is heavenly to me, but I was unresolved about an ETERNITY without an occupation. Perhaps my clumsy, foolish and uninformed mind cannot conceptualise the true presence of God, and how my spiritual self would be very satisfied to just sit at His feet, but I'd like to think there's more to it than that. I'd like to think that the same way on earth, I have skills and value that only I bring (just like you!), that would also be true in heaven. Recently, I was listening to some men talk about "Now" as a principle, and the idea that in heaven, there is no real concept of time - we would finally experience God in realtime (right here, rightnow). It's not that we can't experience God here on earth, but it's almost as though we're talking to God on chat, so sometimes what is relayed is not what we receive. Sometimes we wish we could have a tangible indication that this is the right choice/decision/person/job but all we have to go on are our notions, which are part God, part self, part parents and part <insert endless other influences here>.
Several months ago, I wrote a post on being more flexible to the elements of life, where the external stressors and personal pressures we put on ourselves become like the temperature, or other condition that causes us to change states - we can be fluid (able to move quickly), frozen (rigid, tightly packed and immovable) or gaseous (widely dispersed). This is in response to a natural tendency of mine to become compulsive in my use, adherence and dependence on perfect planning. I think I'm a lot better about this now, but I'm still learning how little I can really, truly know, and hence plan for. I thought about those men saying that there is no concept of time in heaven and I once again, using my human principles of time and occupation and my flaw of compulsive planning,became very anxious about this heaven picture I originally saw. What on EARTH are we going to do with an eternity? The compulsive planner in me became fatigued. Then, I considered the concept of NOW. If all that exists was now then there would be nothing to plan for. In a timeless heaven a compulsive me would not be endlessly looking forward to when my plans were actualised because I'd be experiencing God in my own perfect state. I'd be experiencing God in every moment, and I wouldn't be waiting.
I experienced much liberation in this, because I thought to myself "I could use joy like that in this earthly life." I thought to myself that if I could look for opportunities to experience God in every moment, if I could mimic the heaven experience then I'd probably get more out of my earthly life. I'm not saying you shouldn't write a will or save your money, but I am saying that there's a special pleasure in NOW. I'm saying that we probably shouldn't wait around for life to get good. I'm saying that life is good RIGHT NOW, and our job is to find out how.
Does your tummy rumble? While Winnie the Pooh up there is interested in some honey, I'm thinking about a slightly different sustenance. Last post I talked about being brave enough to stop doing what you're doing long enough to hear yourself think and feel. Ever since I could remember, I've just kind of encountered these bouts of restlessness as I walked through my life. I'd be on my path, doing what I needed to do when my hunger pangs for something more would make it impossible for me to stay the same. I wouldn't always know what exactly needed to change, but I'd become increasingly aware that there was more than this.
Does that happen to you? You might call it an angsty and unfortunate thing, because it always means that at that moment, you're unhappy with your life (maybe not entirely but with some major aspect) and the result is this feeling that something has to give. You might think of it as a negative, but I don't.
Someone once said that I had "fire in my belly," and I've been trying to figure out what that means ever since. I like it as a description I think, because it feels as out of control as I do in those moments of restlessness. Lately I've been thinking of that expression again, and wondering if there isn't something to that. I'm wondering if everyone doesn't have fire in their bellies?
Stay with me while I flesh this one out. What if the fire is there to keep us going, and if you don't put the right fuel in, you'll get some indication that your internal engine isn't running right? If you're familiar with me or this blog, you'll know that I'm fairly obsessed with purpose and finding your unique value to the world. Lately I've been doing the ants in my pants dance because a fresh bout of restlessness has hit. I have been trying to figure out what the benefit of those bouts is for me. I have realised that EVERY big move of my life has been preceded by bouts of unbearable restlessness, and I am so grateful for each one. Here's why:
1.) Unbearable restlessness is the kind of nagging feeling that propels you to make a change.
If you're the kind of person who knows exactly what you want and where you're going then this feeling will either depress you (if it feels hopeless to change), or it'll push you over the edge to make a decision. If you're NOT the type of person that makes detailed plans and knows what you want to see happen next, then this will probably mean that your restlessness will show up in how you cope with what you're faced with. It'll either make you anxious (about the future), or it'll let you know that crunch time is here, and what you've been taking your pretty time with you need to move on.
2.) The right fuel makes the journey possible.
If you put diesel in a gas running car or vice versa, you might get a mile before your engine starts running funny and making a lot of noise. Then, you'll need to tow your car to a place that can remove the wrong fuel and do damage control for you before putting in the right stuff. I think we humans are like that, too. If you are meant to be working with your hands and find yourself doing actuary projections at an insurance company, the chances are your internal engine will be screaming bloody murder. I'll be the first to admit to my secret, deep seated idealism, but let me say this next thing. I think that every person has all of these little portions of self that make up the whole fire. What I mean is that there's going to be a little rumbling for the artist in someone, the comedian, the mother, etc. This is a similar concept to the one I talked about in this post. If you're feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, one of the first questions I'll have for you is what are you running on?
3.) Asking questions gets us closer.
It's a theme of most, if not all of the posts at Rantings to continuously question, especially when it comes to what is going on in your head and heart. Do you know if you're restless? Or do you just have an inexplicable conflict with your partner? Or, are you just not sleeping well? Are you satisfied? How so? I'm not going to go on, but one really crucial principle that I'm learning in life is that EVERY question will never be answered, and I need to consider that very seriously as I navigate my life. I should never become so convinced that I fail to inquire. I should never presume to be categorically informed when all I've really done is interpreted.
I hope this post isn't too basic for you, but these are my three main celebrations where Restlessness is concerned. Without restlessness I wouldn't be motivated to change (and grow hopefully!), without restlessness I wouldn't pause to look at what I'm fueling myself with, and without examining my fuel, I won't be in a position to question what would drive me forward. So if you too have some ants in your pants or a rumbly in your tumbly, today's post is a challenge to see the restlessness as a blessing. It means that you're a fighter and you aren't just standing with your bowl wondering what life will put into it. Why not question what kind of engine you're running, and what fuel propels you, and has you running smoothly? Why not seriously consider what might make you feel more settled or satisfied? You absolutely deserve to go after those things, so don't let anyone tell you you can't. Find your good and go for it!
