The Very Opposite of Perfect: On Being Wrong, and Okay

I listened to a TED talk on being wrong a few weeks ago, and felt reminded again of the fact that sometimes, I'm wrong. In light of the post I published a few Wednesdays ago, I want to continue the challenge. Lately I have been working with people on confrontation and Mirriam-Webster Dictionary defines confrontation this way: 

1: To face especially in challenge: oppose <confront an enemy>
2 a : To cause to meet : bring face-to-face <confront a reader with statistics>
2 b : To meet face-to-face : encounter <confronted the possibility of failure>

Have you ever found yourself at the point where you're surprised about who you've become? I am exploring this "wrong" idea in terms of the way we see ourselves, and the plans that We've made. If you're a regular reader, you'll know that I tend to be very structured and have clear targets for myself, and that in the last year of my life, those targets have pretty much gone out the window. For me, the first reaction I had was complete and utter denial (and I see myself in some ways, as still being there), then, I moved into acceptance, which I assumed meant that I was resolved to my circumstances and was working myself forward based on my new truths. Wrong. 


Something that I've noticed with my clients is that often-times, at the source of whatever struggle they're having is a basis of grief. Recently, I've had to reconsider my plan, AGAIN, and I have gotten quite emotional about it. I'll be honest, I was surprised by my struggle. While conceptually, I "got" that a change of life, long-term plans would be hard to swallow, I was expecting to see it, understand it intellectually and live in acceptance unless or until I could change the path. I didn't bargain on grief over my dashed expectation, and as a result, I wasn't moving forward like I potentially could. When I found myself having an emotional outburst while faced with another layer of "the new plan," I began to take a closer look. 


What do confrontation and grief have to do with each other? My question came from the observation that with every single client I've ever seen, we go where the client on their own has either been afraid or otherwise unwilling to set foot. For anxiety clients, it is often the very fear of not knowing that creates anxious fear, for people with relationship issues it is often the failure to confront the past as an effector of the present, and I've seen people with depression who run from how depressed they truly are until they can no longer manage to carry out their normal daily routine. As a result, in therapy we take a confrontational approach in our controlled setting - we meet what I am calling "our grief" face to face. 


Grief is not only something we experience when experiencing the death of a loved one or loss of a job, but can develop from the loss of a dream, idea or relationship. Grief can even come from the realisations of a sad past or a disappointing outcome in a current relationship. Strada (2009) states:

Normative, non-pathologic grief is characterized by a constellation of physical, cognitive, psychological, and spiritual symptoms that can create significant suffering but with varying frequency and severity. The various models of grief share the principle that bereavement involves an initial period of shock, disbelief, or denial, often followed by a phase characterized by distressing physical and emotional symptoms.

One of the interesting features of grief is demoralization, and this is an important feature to understand because demoralization is the point at which most people cease investing energy in "an escape." When we become demoralized enough, we stop trying and essentially accept the grief as our normal operating conditions - i.e. "This is just something I have to live with". My theory is that we do this because we haven't fully grasped the "sometimes, I'm wrong" concept. We build up beliefs and values and dreams about how we expect life to be, and each loss or failure of these produces grief. I believe that that is where we start healing. Acceptance of our grief means that we don't choose to encounter it - it means that we are in fact, afraid to see our loss, failure or disappointment because (I believe) we can't stand the idea that we were wrong then, (even if it was just wrong to assume someone else would behave a certain way.) Our misjudgements seem to really embarrass us, but the  fact is, we're all wrong sometimes.

My challenge for you this post is to ask what things in your life are you afraid to be wrong about, and do you think you can confront them? Try talking this through with a friend or partner and trade stories. Just remember this: You are wrong sometimes, and it is absolutely okay.

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