366 Days of 2012

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I am a cliché as far as resolutions go. What can I say? Sometimes, I am completely at the mercy of a good plan. (I am working on this). Here is a list I'll be working through - I'll be focusing on the individual resolutions in more detail as we get into the year. These are things that 2011 has brought out in Rantings that I think are worth focusing on in 2012, not in order of importance.

1.) I will not take responsibility for other people's stupidity - This year, we talked about how it is really important not to accept the crap that is handed to you by others. Sometimes, it is the simplest sentence that moves other people's bad behaviour back to them, and away from you. I'm not talking about aggression, but the simple act of knowing who you are, and rejecting negativity. Just because someone says something to you or even about you does not make it your problem. 

2.) I will not assume that bad things in my life mean that I have done bad - We talked about the presence of much in our lives as an indication that we are in abundant "life." It is easy, and perhaps even the knee jerk response to ask yourself what on earth you've done to cause this series of events, but sometimes there is just much happening, all around us. The take home message has been this: don't let yourself slump based on what you could have done or did not do that brought you to the place you are in. Instead, look forward, and never relinquish your input in your environment, wherever you find yourself.

3.) If things are not yet as I would have hoped, I won't change. This is part two of Resolution 2.) This doesn't mean ceasing to grow, but rather, it means not letting go of your hopes. Admit to your dreams and have faith in yourself, good is in you. I believe that.

4.) I will let people see me. Society portrays the people who don't react to stress and drama as "the strong ones", and they do so with a certain amount of awe and reverence. As someone who's gone through the vast majority of her life like that I want to de-glamourise the silence. If no one sees you fully, it is the loneliest city in the world. If no one knows your heart well, then they cannot love you well. Let someone in - it is terrifying and very liberating.

5.) I will ask for help. Again, a continuation of Res 4.) To the people I love, I will admit to my little insecurities, and my needs. I will accept my vulnerability as a token of my intimate relationship with another/ others and I will give someone else the opportunity to know that they are not alone in feeling a particular way. There are no perfect people, and pretending to be one doesn't help anyone (least of all, you).

6.) I will be flavouring and taste to the world I find myself in. We talked about an alternative idea of salt and light, where the responsibility of believers was to add illumination, clarity, taste and flavour to the world, the space we found ourselves in. I am still very excited about this as a lifestyle, to constantly question myself - what am I adding? What am I making clearer and making taste better with my presence?  

7.) I will cherish the strong, frail body that I have been blessed with. This year, one joyride to the beach left me literally crippled, and I had to look squarely in the eyes of my own limitations. It taught me how arrogant we are about our body's functioning. We are an intricate chaos of perfect planning, and I hope I will never take it for granted again. (I am planning a trip to Mount Kilimanjaro in the next few years in celebration of having my gait back.)

8.) I will love. God, my world, myself.

9.) Wherever I go, there I am. This relates to Res 2.) and 3.), but is important in its own right, because this speaks to one's state of mind at every point. This is especially important in those transition times, in the times where you are fed up of where you are, and every day increases your angst. All year here I've been looking at ways to combat feelings of meaninglessness which erupt most when you aren't doing everything you wish you were. The goal of this Res is to find any and every thing that could make you feel like you are contributing and purposeful where you are. I really think people need to know that they add to their space, and deciding to be present wherever you find yourself is my answer to an uncontrollable restlessness. 

10.) I will do good anyway. The Paradoxical Commandments are a list of life statements and guidelines written by Dr. Kent M. Keith that have really spoken to me recently; I encourage you to read through them.

 I hope that you are really excited about the year ahead; I know that I am. I'm ready for some transitions and changes in 2012. This has been my most challenging year yet, and never have I been so convinced that I am alive, as I have been this year. Here is to the best year of our lives so far! We'll be living through the end of the Mayan calendar. We'll also be adding things to the environments of 2012 that add taste, that represent the unique us and we will be there. 

Merry Christmas

Source

Today was a good day. We celebrated, had people over, and my sister and I even contributed dishes to the menu (mine were spiced pumpkin lasagne and plaited cheese bread). I don't feel exhausted. I do feel the need to offer you a little Christmas Carol though, of my own composition. It's entitled To know them better (A Christmas Carol)

Nothing familiar is ever fully known.

Here stands Christmas at our door, 

He never comes in, but yet asks for more.

Hands to work on the soil around,

Words to offer the friend un-found.

Telling them who know not each other

Yet have known all these years

Give a care, give a care.

It isn't just the strangers, He says 

That are strange, 

But even the ones that know our names

Fail not to see through; 

Fail not to see through;

Nothing familiar is ever fully known.

On Perspective (That Changes Your Mind)

Sundays seem to be the ferocious hunters of my week, each time in succession they devour my days. Every time I notice, it is Sunday again, hungry and changing everything. Three Sundays ago, I started a post entitled Libido, but had a bad reaction to the anti-inflammatory/narcotic cocktail I'd been on, and was feeling ill. Or, that's the excuse that I prefer. Honestly I was a little nervous about publishing the post. It isn't even what you think, I could actually have gone with a less controversial title, but what can I say? I have a mischievous side :) Anyway you can look out for it, coming soon. I guess the real reason I was uncomfortable is because I was feeling a little hypocritical. Libido is a post about the drive for life, it is about feeling inspired, taking the opportunities to feel your heart and see it, and admit to what is on its inside. I didn't feel genuine in publishing it then because in the weeks since I've written last, I've been feeling very restless and frustrated, bound even, by my circumstances.

These circumstances of my 2011 have led me to be like a throbbing, exposed artery of emotion, severed from the limb it services. Like a slit wrist, I felt as though my hopes bled out of me, leaving me cold and unaware of where to look for the warmth of Future. That feels dramatic, only because it is. My perfect retrospect vision tells me about myself. Aren't we all an arrogant sort? Spoilt?

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

This is what I know. A thousand cliché conversations and a thousand hungry recitations have built these words up like a lighthouse in my heart, yet dismay could still envelop me. My will, not Yours be done, Lord.  Bless me indeed.

I have, in the last couple weeks, faced the prospect of another field trip under anaesthesia in order to straighten my much improved, but not fully functional left leg. I am not cleared to resume my job, three months after my pleasure trip to Maracas Bay, Trinidad. I peer at my position from the unlikely vantage point of virtual unemployment, in a strange land that shouldn't be, and I feel victimised and guilty. Why would this all happen? How come I'm not as happy and as hopeful as I should be? Whose fault is this? Surely the plans for good mean my good and my hopes for the future. Surely I know enough to know everything. Surely there is no fairness in God keeping the secrets of life and withholding my good from me. Am I really this egocentric? This selfish and self-indulgent?

Yes. Yes I am.

I find it hard to see these words in print, hard to think of eyes and minds working over my ugly admissions of big, fat, self. But I leave them there, because I want you to see. I am human, too. I live on earth. I look at the words and I understand the full weight of  their error and the lies of evil. Yes, I believe in the devil; not just as the concept and source of evil, but as an entity that expresses itself in the real world. I believe that the way the devil works is through an infection of the mind. The same way viruses swarm the earth on the wings of insects and through spores that travel in the air, I believe that the devil carries out evil work on the tongues of strangers and unwitting loved ones. Even occasionally, through our own consumption, we take evil in and experience it swimming through our minds.

I think no one should assume themselves past the point of Thing X. One shouldn't assume the self too optimistic, too informed to fall prey. Despair and hopelessness is not necessarily overpowering, but sometimes is just a vague suggestion in the back of your mind that you've been hospitable to for just a little too long. It is easier said than done to keep your perspective, to know that life is a rough sea, beautiful in its ebbs and flows. It is as though when high on the crest of a wave, seeing all around us for miles we forget what it feels like to be looking up at the very crest from the point far below where it will plummet.

Inside the crashing wave

Perspective changes everything.

I'm not here to sum everything up in a Christmas bow of hope; to tell you that despite life sucking periodically, everything is just so special and dandy. No, I'm not. I will say that for me, in my vantage point beneath the waves that pummel, I listen to lyrics like "Oh come let us adore Him" and I acknowledge the hunger in me that responds to that invitation. Yes, I'll come to adore Him, Christ the LORD.  Unchanged by the life all around me is a hunger that is only fed by a resonating truth that I get and am drawn to; vast and unfathomable, yet somehow accessible.

Not my will, but Yours be done, LORD.

Miss You Love

Millionaire say
Got a big shot deal
And thrown it all away but
But I'm not too sure 
How I'm supposed to feel
Or what I'm supposed to say 
But I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love 

Make room for the pray
'Cause I'm coming in
With what I wanna say but
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but... 

I'm not, not sure, 
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people 

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you love 

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back 

It's just a fad
Part of the teen, teenage angst brigade and
I'm not, not sure, 
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people 

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you love 

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back 

- Silverchair

Social Currency

Dun dun dunnn! It begins on a grossly personal level... breathe in J, and out. I have been thinking about my position here, now almost a solid YEAR back in my parents' home and completely out of the adult identity that I had created for myself in other countries. I have never lived here as an adult, and now that I am, I'm doing so as a dependent, or relative dependent after 8 months of unemployment followed by three weeks of work, one paycheck and then two months of unpaid, bed-ridden sick leave. I have talked about the dissapointment with many of my old friends here as a main source of my contention, but I was just recently trying to dissect that. Have I considered myself to have lost my best friends in the world? No, my best friends in the world are all over the world, and I still have them. What I have lost is some of my social currency, here.

I have been living in a social state which I consider to misrepresent me. In other words, the value I see myself having is not being supported by my environment. The result? Lower esteem of self. Lower energy levels to do the very things that would increase the support (going out, socialising). I reflected today that there are elements that I hadn't even considered - the fact that I am the middle child with an older brother and younger sister, and they both aren't living in the country. I hope you'll allow me these few moments to be personal. What I realised is that I'm a new creature here. I am trying to buy into a social market with a currency that became obsolete the moment I left in 2004, with an ever stretching chasm. The teen-aged, middle child, socially connected, young woman is not who I am. I have come home as someone new - I'm much more educated, have more work experience, my experiences in "life" have grossly broadened my perspective, my friends/love experiences have changed my life, I'm no longer lucky/blessed enough to be plugged into some natural peer socialisation with the presence of my siblings. To quote a song I like, I am not who I was, I am new.

This has gotten me to thinking; are we misusing our currency? Or worse, using currency that is no longer accepted? I think that we all go through points in our life when we are using a tape measure to evaluate ourself that was made to measure an NBA all-star, or trying to shop at Walmart with the leftover Rupees from our recent Indian holiday. Your height is disproportionately low because the scale wasn't made for you. The currency isn't accepted because it wasn't made to work there. Consider the passage below.

I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.^d 4Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, 5so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.

6In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. 7If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. 8If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.

9Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10Love each other with genuine affection,^e and take delight in honoring each other. 11Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.^f 12Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

14Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!

17Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. (Romans 12:4-18, emphasis added)

I'd like to use the bold text as my five qualifiers to evaluate social currency.

1.) Don’t think you are better than you really are. Now, I'm saying that there is no way to avoid doing this over your lifetime, but when you notice, STOP! You are only you. By all means, be the best you, but don't forget that there will always be people better and worse off than you. Measure yourself by the faith (the substance of things hoped for) that God has given you. This is separate from what you wish you were but know you're just NOT.

This is a bell curve. In psychology, (in research really!) you want EVERY piece of research you conduct to produce numbers that make one of these, because this is what we call "normal distribution" - it shows how MOST people find themselves in the middle. The VAST majority, with only a few people (</> 2 sd's from the mean) being in the lowest or highest range.

2.) God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. In keeping with this knowledge that talent and gifts are on a spectrum, and we are likely not at the end of it for everything, I do believe that YOU are two standard deviations above the mean in something. My idea is that when you find the thing that you are EXCELLENT at, this, is your currency. This is/these things ARE what you were made for; a unique cocktail of things exist in you to change the world. Find them.

3.) Don’t just pretend to love others. When you feel good about yourself and where you are, your (social currency) stock is high, it is EASY to love others, because they're helping you to feel good. It is difficult to love others when you feel like crap, but it benefits the giver of love to perform. To reference Paul Zak again, even the simple acts of sending a facebook message or chatting with someone we love increases oxytocin levels in the body (sometimes drastically!). Oxytocin is part of the brain's reward system (it makes you feel good).

4.) Bless those who persecute you. I am using this particular quote, but really the whole paragraph is helpful. I'm going to summarise it by saying that this represents the importance of community, and how your input can change not only the environment you, and everyone close to you experiences, but also your social currency. The object of this is to create less contention and more peace. When you add value to a space in any way, your stock goes up. 

5.) Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Tell me this: have you ever noticed how difficult it is to live in peace with everyone? The extreme of this is being a "yes man," but I don't think this is what the passage describes. Even the wording suggests that this is not even always possible, but the previous paragraph warns that we ought not to think that we know it all. Sometimes, I think, that means trying to see things from another perspective, even the one most abrasive to us. How will this help your currency? If you are the peace maker, if you can have conflict without defamation or aggression then people will gravitate to you. You will be sought out. Also, you'll be a less disrupted individual - everyone's chaos is not yours, and you don't have to take it on. You'll still notice it, but when you keep a peace mantra going on internally, I think you'll find that the external starts trying to catch up. Stock: raised.

So, are you trying to buy with Rupees in a store using Dollars? Are you measuring yourself with an appropriate scale? What is your social currency? Are you striving to refine it, if you're aware of what it is, or to discover it if you aren't? I'm excited to start my nearest Monday with this change in perspective. I am not who I was. I am new.

Miracles

An overcast day in paradise.

Why! who makes much of a miracle?
As to me, I know of nothing else but miracles,
Whether I walk the streets of Manhattan,
Or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky,
Or wade with naked feet along the beach, just in the edge of the
water,
Or stand under trees in the woods,
Or talk by day with any one I love--or sleep in the bed at night with
any one I love,
Or sit at table at dinner with my mother,
Or look at strangers opposite me riding in the car,
Or watch honey-bees busy around the hive, of a summer forenoon,
Or animals feeding in the fields,
Or birds--or the wonderfulness of insects in the air,
Or the wonderfulness of the sun-down--or of stars shining so quiet
and bright,
Or the exquisite, delicate, thin curve of the new moon in spring;
Or whether I go among those I like best, and that like me best--
mechanics, boatmen, farmers,
Or among the savans--or to the soiree--or to the opera,
Or stand a long while looking at the movements of machinery,
Or behold children at their sports,
Or the admirable sight of the perfect old man, or the perfect old
woman,
Or the sick in hospitals, or the dead carried to burial,
Or my own eyes and figure in the glass;
These, with the rest, one and all, are to me miracles,
The whole referring--yet each distinct, and in its place.

To me, every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle,
Every square yard of the surface of the earth is spread with the
same,
Every foot of the interior swarms with the same;
Every spear of grass--the frames, limbs, organs, of men and women,
and all that concerns them,
All these to me are unspeakably perfect miracles.

To me the sea is a continual miracle;
The fishes that swim--the rocks--the motion of the waves--the ships,
with men in them,
What stranger miracles are there?

- Walt Whitman

You're right HERE.

I've had a week. I think I've referred to the last twelve months as "THE worst year of my life" at least a couple times this week, to my mum and my best friend. Now, I am a really upbeat person usually; I even get teased for being impossibly positive, so when I have moments like this, it is difficult for my loved ones to watch. This week I looked at my thigh as I attempted to get up from a laying position stomach down, and what used to be my athletic, toned sculpture of a thigh was a pathetic, dangling, skinny thing. I went to the doctor on Thursday and he said that my Vastus Medialis muscle - the thigh muscle on the inside of my injured leg, was not activating due to the month of inactivity before my surgery. He said that I was about two weeks behind his expectations at this point. Directly after seeing him, I saw my physical therapist and she hooked me up to electrical stimulation, attempting to stimulate the muscle. She turned up the current - once, twice, three times. Her hand is resting on my thigh as she waits for some response from my muscle to indicate that the current has stimulated the muscle and it is contracting. She said "Jane, I'm getting nothing" and turned the machine higher. I can feel the tingling, it's uncomfortable-bordering-painful, but I am hurting much more on the emotional level. REALLY? NOTHING? I am a horse of a woman and in four short weeks my leg is gone?

The funny thing is, I've read ALL the literature I can find on ACL injuries, surgeries and the process of rehabilitation. I know everything from the best case scenario (when you can finish your final athletic season with your team) to the worst case scenarios (where they miscalculate the length or angle of the implant and it has to be redone, arthritis, second and third surgeries, etc). I know that I am at neither extreme of the spectrum. I know that the process is slow, and can be really slow. None of this is what I came here to blog to you about though. So I had a bad week. So I cried and said that this has been the worst year of my life. This happened. This happened days ago. I'm telling you about it. What I've come here to say today is that while emotionally, and in terms of my esteem of what I've accomplished and have achieved this year, I have felt as though I've fallen short, some grossly important things have happened with me this year. This has been my transition year. My theme for the year was "It's time to admit to your dreams," but what I learned this year was that I needed to get more comfortable in my own skin. All my friends know me for really encouraging them to be who they are; I absolutely LOVE the diversity of a different opinion and way of doing things and I HATE people to try to be something that they are not and expect me to buy into it. I celebrate the differences of people's unique mindset and personal input everyday (it is even a part of my job!) but somewhere along the line, I forgot to do it for myself in terms of my emotions.

Last year, in my last semester of gradschool, we were taking the Meyers-Briggs Type Inventory (MBTI), a personality test, and our professor was trying to get us all involved in the process. He made us line up at the front of our lecture theatre so we could see where we all fell; you know, get to know each other as colleagues and classmates. I remember for the spectrum of preference Thinking versus Feeling I placed so far on the T side that I was the last person in the line. There was a lady in our line up who passed me as we took our positions, she moving further to the Feeling side and me moving further on the Thinking side. She laughed and said "Ha ha ha! Jane, you would be all the way on the T side eh? Heh! NO heart!" I don't think I responded at all to her speech, and the funny thing is, that was a poor interpretation of the scale - it is measuring  the preference you have for making decisions; whether you prefer to act based on feelings first, or on a consideration of all the facts, not on your capacity for feeling or thinking. Nevertheless, I considered her statement. She of course was a well meaning lady, I'm sure she had no ill intention as she made her light-hearted comment but I considered how fundamentally wrong such a statement was. I have no heart? ME? I realised that something about the way I was coming across was devoid of any real emotion, that to the untrained eye, to the ignorant bystander, to the deaf, I didn't have any feelings.  How horrible! I thought.

This was something I'd been already seeing and working on, but her comment kind of confirmed my fears, that I was so busy achieving and being/striving endlessly toward excellent that I was not present in today, I was not even being seen in one of the ways that I fully exist - as an emotional being. I vowed to change that. For me, one of the first steps I took in this direction was to choose people that meant the world to me, to choose people I trusted and then really make the risky step to need them. For the first time in my life I began to depend on the emotional support of my beloveds. I began to include more I-am-sads, more I-am-having-a-bad-days in my dialogues. I cried in the presence of other human beings for the first time in maybe  a decade.

Now, this is my story. You all are witnesses to a massive transition in the life of this Jane. I have been surprising my loved ones with more honesty about my feelings and more expression and I have been growing so so much. I feel MUCH better; lighter. I had become so wound up, like an extended sling shot, forever poised for the next target, but that is only good sometimes. If I am to be a real hunter - i.e. someone active and functional in this world, as opposed to forever in search of the next (a trainee playing target practice), then I don't aim at a bull's eye, I aim at my prey. I extend my sling, shoot and capture, then I walk again until it is time to hunt some more. This is a funny metaphor from a vegetarian, but never mind that. There is a time for everything under the sun. My meditation this week is on the idea of going ahead and letting your self out. There is, I believe a REALLY good reason why you are the way you are. I believe that you can benefit the world around you the very best, the most optimised way when you maintain that truth to who you are. People like you more, you grow faster, you learn more. That isn't even mentioning yet how beautiful you are when you just let your guard down enough to be truly seen.

My challenge to you this week is to trust someone in your life enough to allow them to see you a little clearer. Talk about a dream you have. Make a statement of your feelings. The interesting thing is you may find that someone in your life already sees this in you, but your protecting it robs you of the opportunity to revel in the fact that someone sees you clearly and loves you, perhaps even loves you for it. There's a neuromodulator called oxytocin which scientists including Paul Zak, PhD., have identified as having a major role in relationships. Particularly, they have recently supported its role in morality and trust amongst humans. It has even been shown to make some animal mothers more nurturing. His suggestion to a better world: give eight hugs a day to boost its levels in your body and improve the person you are. Mine: find God, love others and be who you really are. 

Be Afflicted

Source

Today I feel sad. Today I have a trigger in the tragedy of someone else's life, nevertheless, the sorrow is mine. What fool came up with the idea to compare your personal struggles to those of others and contrast them for severity? "There are many people who have it so much worse than you!" That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Who feels good that others are hurting worse than them? Or, what help is it to consider that the wretchedness you feel is not even justified, because look, here person X who just got hit by a bus also has no insurance and twelve kids? Bull crap.

This is my meditation at the moment. I began writing this post about a week ago, and titled it from an earlier verse (4:9) of the chapter below, but here, today this is where I am focusing my heart:

Warning about Self-Confidence
13Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” 14How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. 15What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” 16Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil.
17Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.

(James 4:13-17 NLT)

Today, all I'm saying is that you never know what can happen, and nothing is guaranteed. Live your life everyday. Know what you ought to do and then do it.

To be Salt and Light

Source

I often struggle here in my blog, because I have been noticing lately how very Christian my dialogue is sometimes. Don't get me wrong with that statement - I absolutely identify as Christian, but I almost cannot bear the label because of the inane, ritualistic bigotry I have encountered from people with this label. If I, as someone very committed to her faith could feel like this, I dread to think the impact this has on people without a faith of their own, or any onlookers for that matter. For this reason, I struggle with coming across like a modern stereotypical Christian. My hope is to reach people who are not just Christians, but anyone. I really have very little to say in terms of denomination, or faith labels, but I am simply talking about life as I've thought about it. Because of my experience, and the authenticity that I find in (what little I know of) the personage of God and the direction I often find in the bible, I happen to come often from this angle. This statement is in no way meant to reduce the importance and sovereignty of God, my point is only that this blog is not, and never will be my attempt to convince you of anything. These are my thoughts, shared and as always I hope you will continue to share yours.

I guess that was a funny preface to a post that is based very squarely on the scripture following the Beatitudes, from the Sermon on the Mount. Read with me.

Salt and Light
 ¹³"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavours of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. ^14-16"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colours in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. Matthew 5:13-16 The Message Bible (emphasis added)

The part that struck me earlier this morning as I was listening to some music was this Salt and Light idea. Everyone who has been a Christian longer than five minutes has heard a message about this, "We are the salt of the earth! We are the light!" It feels a tad cliché, sometimes. This morning though, I revisited it. What does it mean 'To be salt, and light in the world?' To flavour, preserve, add taste to, illuminate, brighten and clarify the world? This morning I thought about this in another way. Perhaps I should have used a different version of the bible to quote the scripture, because I thought about it differently to the specifically Christian and evangelical perspective that this passage paints with its 'God-flavours' and 'God-colours' that prompt others to faith. I've decided to keep it, because I had a thought: what if the God-flavours and the God-colours are abundantly living me? Now, stay with me, I'm not suggesting that we are God, but I am thinking about God coming to give us life, and give it abundantly. In the scripture that tells us this, it speaks, kind of absolutely - "the thief" wants to steal, to kill and to destroy, and God wants to give life, abundantly, or to the fullest. If life were a scale, these are the weights.

Sometimes, you are enjoying great things - people, academic or professional success, popularity, financial security, etcetera. At other times, you are inflicted by trauma - disease, death, estrangement, poverty etcetera. A person's life is in a constant vacillation of these states, regardless of what he or she believes. The first passage about salt and light has always been related to me by teachers as a reflection of the Christian responsibility to bring God to the world; it says that the way we carry ourselves will speak to others, and encourage them to see the source of our flavour and our luminosity. I wanted to start with the preface that I chose, because I hoped we could lay the religious stuff aside for a second. I often want God without religion, but humans really do crave a certain amount of order, and this is where denominations and formal, organised religion becomes helpful, even if only for sorting purposes.

As I considered this idea again, I looked at the results of a person's flavour and luminosity. The passage says  if you lose your flavour, you've lost your usefulness and will be tossed in the garbage. It says if you don't shine, light up, if you are NOT luminous, then it is as if someone has put a bucket over you. I have been really energised by this scripture, and here's why: I think I've mentioned my struggles with meaninglessness, and there is a large enough Nihilism movement to assume that this is something that we humans may be prone to struggle with at one point or another during our lives. I am talking about any person, regardless of their belief system, having the experience of thinking nothing that happens is of any real consequence or that the patterns of life repeat themselves in an exhausting way. I've not met a person who hasn't complained of this at some point in their life. Why I found this scripture energising is because it speaks to this person, in my opinion. Everyone is going to feel like they have lost their usefulness, even if it is just in a particular area of their life and everybody has felt as though they've been covered by a bucket (whether by feeling they have no voice, they're being under-appreciated, etcetera).

My exuberance came from two sources:

The first: Everybody gets here, so don't beat yourself up about it. 
I sometimes feel guilty, knowing all that is good in my life, to ever feel dissatisfied with those areas that leave me feeling silenced, or somehow "hidden by a bucket." It is easy to wallow in a pit of self-pity, asking "Why me?" but the more appropriate question may be "Why the misery?" because if you took the time to look around, you'd notice that the world we live in is full of miseries, that EVERY individual suffers these events of trial and it is a guaranteed fact of our lives on earth.

The second: Fight!
This is why I read the bible; I have never read a better, more challenging self-help book. I've been trying to stay away from a position of religiousness because of all the ways I feel that religion has failed us. That being said, I read the bible because it is a source of motivation for me across my life. I believe in God because that  belief and relationship has given me life and combated my worst nihilistic inclinations. In this passage, I believe there is a commentary to any person on how to live a happier life. I thought about being God's creation, (and even if you didn't believe in God you could consider just being alive) having a purpose to flavour, preserve, add taste to, illuminate, brighten and clarify your world. I do believe in God, and I see God in so many things all around us. I see humans as being made in His image. The scripture talks about people tasting the God-flavours and seeing the God-colours when someone is being the Salt and the Light, but what if that was what we needed for ourselves as well? I think you have flavours and preservers, seasoning that brings out taste, luminosity, and clarity that ONLY you were equipped with; that the most refined version of you could gift the world massively with. I say you have to fight because refining is necessary - just like a person desirous of a well sculpted body, sometimes you have to work hard to shed layers of fat and waste before you can see a chiselled physique. You have to fight the unrefined self to get to the God-image in you.

How can I flavour my world? Am I somehow preserving something or someone that might have decayed or become spoiled without my input? Do I bring out the life (taste) in something or someone? Am I making anything brighter with my presence? Can I (I bet I can if I try!)? Do I clarify life (or do I complicate it)? I don't know how these questions strike you, but I feel like I just got a new toy. I'm going to ask myself these questions for the rest of my life. If the answer is ever no, that means that I can change my situation, that the worst hole I'm currently living in could be better if I find a way to just get this bucket off.

Last Will and Testament

The days leading up to my surgery were full of apprehension. So much so that I ended up entitling this post as "Last Will and Testament". I'm going to just leave the body of the text as I had written it in those days.

It seems dramatic and morbid to come up with such a post two days before surgery, which means that I may or may not ever publish these musings. Nevertheless, I feel I must at least be granted the catharsis of producing them. It is Monday night and in a little over 24 hours I will be going into surgery to repair the damage to my knee. Although it is a common injury, the prospect of that minor percent chance that just the correct series of events can occur to bring my time here on earth to its end is enough to make me a little nervous. It's silly, really. My doctor alone has done thousands of knees a year for years. Even so, now it is me and I am nervous. That's allowed, right? 

So anyway, driven far on the momentum of my irrational fear, I decided that it would be a good idea to think about a last will and testament. I know you're probably shaking your head by now, but bare with me. Instead of thinking of the way I'd like my journals to be distributed (to Jeannie), or stating that I'd like to be cremated and don't care about a coffin, I immediately thought to myself "If this was really it for me, then..." and my mind reeled a series of things. There is really nothing like the prospect of no chance to give you the perspective of how many chances you've had, and even how many you still have left. I thought about all the things a 26 year old woman wants - the family, the grey-haired memories of her children's first words, recitals, birthdays, holidays, little giggles about nothing in particular, and I said to myself "You know, I want that." I thought about thousands of college students that I haven't met, or taught yet, and the impact I could have on their lives, and I honestly wanted it. This becomes remarkable because over the last year, I have struggled, almost fist-fought with bouts of plummeting depression. I was on some medication that took my midrange catastrophising to the point of conviction that I had arrived squarely at complete futility. This was not a good result. 

I have spent the last twelve months extracting sense out of nonsense, and when I talk about picking up the pieces, I really, truly feel like I'm collecting the shards of jagged me strewn all over my mind. What do I look like now is a question I'm still figuring the answer to, because my visions for myself and my future have had to change and it was the kind of change that forces you to evaluate yourself on a fundamental level. Have you ever felt like that?

Hopefully, you will bare with me for the post that is perhaps a tad cliché. I've even included the Tim McGraw song Live Like You Were Dyin' and the lyrics to The Band Perry's If I Die Young. I don't have much to make it less dramatic or even less simple. I just want us to take the time this Sunday to be so grateful for life and for all the good that is around us, that we have the chance to experience. I love this life, and I am breathing in my air, hoping to God everyday that when it is REALLY over, I would have loved with everything in my being, I would have tried everything I had a mind to, I would have taught the world something I knew, and I would have pleased God. Here's to hoping we have "just enough" time.

If I Die Young lyrics
Songwriters: Perry, Kimberly;



If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys

And I'll wear my pearls

!!!!!!!

I feel the same as one does the night before a big exam. Have I prepared enough? Did I study the consent forms thoroughly? Did I choose the right surgeon? I hope so. Either way, look out for a post entitled LW&T if not here, in my drafts.

Love,
J

Surrendered! Or have I...

I was journalling earlier when I realised that the topic I wrote about was a lot more like a blog posting, so I switched media mid-thought. To catch you up, I was sitting there reflecting on the many preachers and teachers I've heard talking about how Christians offer God control and leadership in their life and then they periodically take it back. This is normally in response to the magnitude of "thing" that God is asking the person to give up, or the magnitude of "thing" that God is asking them to pursue. The default is to scoff at this as clear bad behaviour - of course you should be comfortable with an omniscient God, and any request that may be made of you by such a God! But...

As I lay there on my bed, leg propped up and metal hinged brace in place, I thought to myself "Why don't we be more honest, or realistic in our assessment here?" Of course, ultimately I support the idea that God is supreme and that the best course for my life is one suggested by Almighty God. That being said, I can absolutely relate to the sequence: surrender my life to a loving, Almighty, all knowing God, then encounter "A lot of life" and reconsider - even if only briefly. This is a constant pattern in my life, and I want to challenge the mindset that this is so abnormal. People act like one ought to cut that reaction out, like when you've perfected the art of being Christian, then you won't have struggles with this any more. I say that's unbiblical. My theory on this has become that surrender to the will of God is a daily activity, and that this involves some amount of tension in terms of identifying where the negativity we experience in making some of life's decisions is coming from.

Beloved, do not believe all spirits, but be distinguishing between the spirits whether they are from God, because many false Prophets have gone out into the world. 1John 4:1, Aramaic Bible in plain English

The idea that every good thing is from God, and every bad thing, from the devil is something that we Christians may have concluded as a means to settle our own unrest. Dr. Richard Beck, in his blog Experimental Theology suggests that the "Emotional burden of Monotheism" begins with this biblical suggestion, quoted below.

And One is God The Father of all, and over all, and with all and in us all. Ephesians 4:6, Aramaic Bible in plain English

To believe that God is in everything means that every event we encounter has God's presence. It means that there are going to be events in our life that make us angry and hurt and dissatisfied or disillusioned, and that there will be no means of escape from God in these, because He is in everything. Richard suggests that we Christians use the devil as a means of escape from this emotional burden. How do you trust a God who is in everything? How do you trust a God who let my mother be an orphan at 10 years old, who let those abusers  hurt those children or my best friend lose her mother at 11? How do you praise God when you can see the suffering all around? Here we can default our blame and hatred on an evil devil - these things are evil and therefore could not come from a loving, good God. Richard calls this a soft ditheism, because we can release some of our negativity on this other higher power - not a god, but still a supernatural presence that has some amount of control over what happens on earth, and can take the brunt of the Christian lamentations over earthly suffering.

Richard identified two types of believers in this theory; ones with a robust satan concept (seeing him as active in their lives) - Monotheistic Christians, and ones with an attenuated satan concept (having an abstract view, without identifying him as present in their lives) - Ditheistic Christians. He found that the Monotheistic Christians blamed God more for suffering than did the Ditheistic Christians who placed their blame on the devil. I find this an interesting idea, but I have some trouble with it. As someone coming from an Assemblies of God/ Pentecostal background, (though on the much milder end of it) I have a very robust satan concept. The general consensus is very much on testing the spirit, and the most paranoid and overly enthusiastic Pentecostal will identify the devil in pieces of jewellery and sitting pedestrians. I do believe that the devil is active and more than just an abstract concept. I believe that, but I don't think I believe that he is the cause of all suffering.

I do believe that sin is one of the causes of suffering, but not the only one. I don't know if I've mentioned it here before, but I believe that free will is the main cause of suffering. I think that when God gave us free will, it was a concept or a freedom over the entire earth. I believe that God is supreme, but that He isn't controlling with puppet strings. I believe that He has a plan and a purpose for each one of us, but that He isn't insistent that we seek it. My scripture reference is the story of the talents:

The Parable of the Talents
14“Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. 15To one he gave five talents^a of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. 17So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. 18But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.
19“After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. 20The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’
21“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
22“The man with the two talents also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.’
23“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
24“Then the man who had received the one talent came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’
26“His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.
28“‘Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. 29For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 30And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’ Matthew 25, NIV

I know that that's a long insert, but I feel like it's a worthwhile read. Most of you would have read it several times before,  and here's my argument. The bible says to test the spirits; it also says that if you don't take what God has given you throughout your life when He is not necessarily "there" and multiply it for good then He will exile you into the darkness. I see this as part of that living sacrifice that the bible also talks about, the offering of control to God that I started this post about. For me, surrendering to the will of God is good and right, but when I identify suffering I see it as another opportunity to test the spirits. As a Monotheistic Christian with a robust satan concept, I understand that the devil will attempt to deceive me and bring me grief even within my Godly purpose. I feel as though I could go from being in pursuit of God's perfect will for my life and absolutely joyous about it to being in pursuit of God's perfect will for my life and completely miserable because I have assumed that everything I experience while in pursuit of this noble goal is God's will for me. I have stopped testing the spirits, because I know myself to be pursuing God. I think that is a mistake.

My theory is tied in the scripture from 1 Corinthians 13:12:

¹²For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. KJV

I often pray for discernment and to be increasingly more sensitive to the Holy Spirit's urgings, but I feel as though until I get to heaven, I will always be just hopeful that I am following the will of God. So if that means that every few days on the wings of a surrendered life I have to say "Uhhm, on second thought..." so be it.