Last Will and Testament

The days leading up to my surgery were full of apprehension. So much so that I ended up entitling this post as "Last Will and Testament". I'm going to just leave the body of the text as I had written it in those days.

It seems dramatic and morbid to come up with such a post two days before surgery, which means that I may or may not ever publish these musings. Nevertheless, I feel I must at least be granted the catharsis of producing them. It is Monday night and in a little over 24 hours I will be going into surgery to repair the damage to my knee. Although it is a common injury, the prospect of that minor percent chance that just the correct series of events can occur to bring my time here on earth to its end is enough to make me a little nervous. It's silly, really. My doctor alone has done thousands of knees a year for years. Even so, now it is me and I am nervous. That's allowed, right? 

So anyway, driven far on the momentum of my irrational fear, I decided that it would be a good idea to think about a last will and testament. I know you're probably shaking your head by now, but bare with me. Instead of thinking of the way I'd like my journals to be distributed (to Jeannie), or stating that I'd like to be cremated and don't care about a coffin, I immediately thought to myself "If this was really it for me, then..." and my mind reeled a series of things. There is really nothing like the prospect of no chance to give you the perspective of how many chances you've had, and even how many you still have left. I thought about all the things a 26 year old woman wants - the family, the grey-haired memories of her children's first words, recitals, birthdays, holidays, little giggles about nothing in particular, and I said to myself "You know, I want that." I thought about thousands of college students that I haven't met, or taught yet, and the impact I could have on their lives, and I honestly wanted it. This becomes remarkable because over the last year, I have struggled, almost fist-fought with bouts of plummeting depression. I was on some medication that took my midrange catastrophising to the point of conviction that I had arrived squarely at complete futility. This was not a good result. 

I have spent the last twelve months extracting sense out of nonsense, and when I talk about picking up the pieces, I really, truly feel like I'm collecting the shards of jagged me strewn all over my mind. What do I look like now is a question I'm still figuring the answer to, because my visions for myself and my future have had to change and it was the kind of change that forces you to evaluate yourself on a fundamental level. Have you ever felt like that?

Hopefully, you will bare with me for the post that is perhaps a tad cliché. I've even included the Tim McGraw song Live Like You Were Dyin' and the lyrics to The Band Perry's If I Die Young. I don't have much to make it less dramatic or even less simple. I just want us to take the time this Sunday to be so grateful for life and for all the good that is around us, that we have the chance to experience. I love this life, and I am breathing in my air, hoping to God everyday that when it is REALLY over, I would have loved with everything in my being, I would have tried everything I had a mind to, I would have taught the world something I knew, and I would have pleased God. Here's to hoping we have "just enough" time.

If I Die Young lyrics
Songwriters: Perry, Kimberly;



If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys

And I'll wear my pearls