To be Salt and Light

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I often struggle here in my blog, because I have been noticing lately how very Christian my dialogue is sometimes. Don't get me wrong with that statement - I absolutely identify as Christian, but I almost cannot bear the label because of the inane, ritualistic bigotry I have encountered from people with this label. If I, as someone very committed to her faith could feel like this, I dread to think the impact this has on people without a faith of their own, or any onlookers for that matter. For this reason, I struggle with coming across like a modern stereotypical Christian. My hope is to reach people who are not just Christians, but anyone. I really have very little to say in terms of denomination, or faith labels, but I am simply talking about life as I've thought about it. Because of my experience, and the authenticity that I find in (what little I know of) the personage of God and the direction I often find in the bible, I happen to come often from this angle. This statement is in no way meant to reduce the importance and sovereignty of God, my point is only that this blog is not, and never will be my attempt to convince you of anything. These are my thoughts, shared and as always I hope you will continue to share yours.

I guess that was a funny preface to a post that is based very squarely on the scripture following the Beatitudes, from the Sermon on the Mount. Read with me.

Salt and Light
 ¹³"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavours of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. ^14-16"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colours in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. Matthew 5:13-16 The Message Bible (emphasis added)

The part that struck me earlier this morning as I was listening to some music was this Salt and Light idea. Everyone who has been a Christian longer than five minutes has heard a message about this, "We are the salt of the earth! We are the light!" It feels a tad cliché, sometimes. This morning though, I revisited it. What does it mean 'To be salt, and light in the world?' To flavour, preserve, add taste to, illuminate, brighten and clarify the world? This morning I thought about this in another way. Perhaps I should have used a different version of the bible to quote the scripture, because I thought about it differently to the specifically Christian and evangelical perspective that this passage paints with its 'God-flavours' and 'God-colours' that prompt others to faith. I've decided to keep it, because I had a thought: what if the God-flavours and the God-colours are abundantly living me? Now, stay with me, I'm not suggesting that we are God, but I am thinking about God coming to give us life, and give it abundantly. In the scripture that tells us this, it speaks, kind of absolutely - "the thief" wants to steal, to kill and to destroy, and God wants to give life, abundantly, or to the fullest. If life were a scale, these are the weights.

Sometimes, you are enjoying great things - people, academic or professional success, popularity, financial security, etcetera. At other times, you are inflicted by trauma - disease, death, estrangement, poverty etcetera. A person's life is in a constant vacillation of these states, regardless of what he or she believes. The first passage about salt and light has always been related to me by teachers as a reflection of the Christian responsibility to bring God to the world; it says that the way we carry ourselves will speak to others, and encourage them to see the source of our flavour and our luminosity. I wanted to start with the preface that I chose, because I hoped we could lay the religious stuff aside for a second. I often want God without religion, but humans really do crave a certain amount of order, and this is where denominations and formal, organised religion becomes helpful, even if only for sorting purposes.

As I considered this idea again, I looked at the results of a person's flavour and luminosity. The passage says  if you lose your flavour, you've lost your usefulness and will be tossed in the garbage. It says if you don't shine, light up, if you are NOT luminous, then it is as if someone has put a bucket over you. I have been really energised by this scripture, and here's why: I think I've mentioned my struggles with meaninglessness, and there is a large enough Nihilism movement to assume that this is something that we humans may be prone to struggle with at one point or another during our lives. I am talking about any person, regardless of their belief system, having the experience of thinking nothing that happens is of any real consequence or that the patterns of life repeat themselves in an exhausting way. I've not met a person who hasn't complained of this at some point in their life. Why I found this scripture energising is because it speaks to this person, in my opinion. Everyone is going to feel like they have lost their usefulness, even if it is just in a particular area of their life and everybody has felt as though they've been covered by a bucket (whether by feeling they have no voice, they're being under-appreciated, etcetera).

My exuberance came from two sources:

The first: Everybody gets here, so don't beat yourself up about it. 
I sometimes feel guilty, knowing all that is good in my life, to ever feel dissatisfied with those areas that leave me feeling silenced, or somehow "hidden by a bucket." It is easy to wallow in a pit of self-pity, asking "Why me?" but the more appropriate question may be "Why the misery?" because if you took the time to look around, you'd notice that the world we live in is full of miseries, that EVERY individual suffers these events of trial and it is a guaranteed fact of our lives on earth.

The second: Fight!
This is why I read the bible; I have never read a better, more challenging self-help book. I've been trying to stay away from a position of religiousness because of all the ways I feel that religion has failed us. That being said, I read the bible because it is a source of motivation for me across my life. I believe in God because that  belief and relationship has given me life and combated my worst nihilistic inclinations. In this passage, I believe there is a commentary to any person on how to live a happier life. I thought about being God's creation, (and even if you didn't believe in God you could consider just being alive) having a purpose to flavour, preserve, add taste to, illuminate, brighten and clarify your world. I do believe in God, and I see God in so many things all around us. I see humans as being made in His image. The scripture talks about people tasting the God-flavours and seeing the God-colours when someone is being the Salt and the Light, but what if that was what we needed for ourselves as well? I think you have flavours and preservers, seasoning that brings out taste, luminosity, and clarity that ONLY you were equipped with; that the most refined version of you could gift the world massively with. I say you have to fight because refining is necessary - just like a person desirous of a well sculpted body, sometimes you have to work hard to shed layers of fat and waste before you can see a chiselled physique. You have to fight the unrefined self to get to the God-image in you.

How can I flavour my world? Am I somehow preserving something or someone that might have decayed or become spoiled without my input? Do I bring out the life (taste) in something or someone? Am I making anything brighter with my presence? Can I (I bet I can if I try!)? Do I clarify life (or do I complicate it)? I don't know how these questions strike you, but I feel like I just got a new toy. I'm going to ask myself these questions for the rest of my life. If the answer is ever no, that means that I can change my situation, that the worst hole I'm currently living in could be better if I find a way to just get this bucket off.

Last Will and Testament

The days leading up to my surgery were full of apprehension. So much so that I ended up entitling this post as "Last Will and Testament". I'm going to just leave the body of the text as I had written it in those days.

It seems dramatic and morbid to come up with such a post two days before surgery, which means that I may or may not ever publish these musings. Nevertheless, I feel I must at least be granted the catharsis of producing them. It is Monday night and in a little over 24 hours I will be going into surgery to repair the damage to my knee. Although it is a common injury, the prospect of that minor percent chance that just the correct series of events can occur to bring my time here on earth to its end is enough to make me a little nervous. It's silly, really. My doctor alone has done thousands of knees a year for years. Even so, now it is me and I am nervous. That's allowed, right? 

So anyway, driven far on the momentum of my irrational fear, I decided that it would be a good idea to think about a last will and testament. I know you're probably shaking your head by now, but bare with me. Instead of thinking of the way I'd like my journals to be distributed (to Jeannie), or stating that I'd like to be cremated and don't care about a coffin, I immediately thought to myself "If this was really it for me, then..." and my mind reeled a series of things. There is really nothing like the prospect of no chance to give you the perspective of how many chances you've had, and even how many you still have left. I thought about all the things a 26 year old woman wants - the family, the grey-haired memories of her children's first words, recitals, birthdays, holidays, little giggles about nothing in particular, and I said to myself "You know, I want that." I thought about thousands of college students that I haven't met, or taught yet, and the impact I could have on their lives, and I honestly wanted it. This becomes remarkable because over the last year, I have struggled, almost fist-fought with bouts of plummeting depression. I was on some medication that took my midrange catastrophising to the point of conviction that I had arrived squarely at complete futility. This was not a good result. 

I have spent the last twelve months extracting sense out of nonsense, and when I talk about picking up the pieces, I really, truly feel like I'm collecting the shards of jagged me strewn all over my mind. What do I look like now is a question I'm still figuring the answer to, because my visions for myself and my future have had to change and it was the kind of change that forces you to evaluate yourself on a fundamental level. Have you ever felt like that?

Hopefully, you will bare with me for the post that is perhaps a tad cliché. I've even included the Tim McGraw song Live Like You Were Dyin' and the lyrics to The Band Perry's If I Die Young. I don't have much to make it less dramatic or even less simple. I just want us to take the time this Sunday to be so grateful for life and for all the good that is around us, that we have the chance to experience. I love this life, and I am breathing in my air, hoping to God everyday that when it is REALLY over, I would have loved with everything in my being, I would have tried everything I had a mind to, I would have taught the world something I knew, and I would have pleased God. Here's to hoping we have "just enough" time.

If I Die Young lyrics
Songwriters: Perry, Kimberly;



If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys

And I'll wear my pearls

!!!!!!!

I feel the same as one does the night before a big exam. Have I prepared enough? Did I study the consent forms thoroughly? Did I choose the right surgeon? I hope so. Either way, look out for a post entitled LW&T if not here, in my drafts.

Love,
J

Surrendered! Or have I...

I was journalling earlier when I realised that the topic I wrote about was a lot more like a blog posting, so I switched media mid-thought. To catch you up, I was sitting there reflecting on the many preachers and teachers I've heard talking about how Christians offer God control and leadership in their life and then they periodically take it back. This is normally in response to the magnitude of "thing" that God is asking the person to give up, or the magnitude of "thing" that God is asking them to pursue. The default is to scoff at this as clear bad behaviour - of course you should be comfortable with an omniscient God, and any request that may be made of you by such a God! But...

As I lay there on my bed, leg propped up and metal hinged brace in place, I thought to myself "Why don't we be more honest, or realistic in our assessment here?" Of course, ultimately I support the idea that God is supreme and that the best course for my life is one suggested by Almighty God. That being said, I can absolutely relate to the sequence: surrender my life to a loving, Almighty, all knowing God, then encounter "A lot of life" and reconsider - even if only briefly. This is a constant pattern in my life, and I want to challenge the mindset that this is so abnormal. People act like one ought to cut that reaction out, like when you've perfected the art of being Christian, then you won't have struggles with this any more. I say that's unbiblical. My theory on this has become that surrender to the will of God is a daily activity, and that this involves some amount of tension in terms of identifying where the negativity we experience in making some of life's decisions is coming from.

Beloved, do not believe all spirits, but be distinguishing between the spirits whether they are from God, because many false Prophets have gone out into the world. 1John 4:1, Aramaic Bible in plain English

The idea that every good thing is from God, and every bad thing, from the devil is something that we Christians may have concluded as a means to settle our own unrest. Dr. Richard Beck, in his blog Experimental Theology suggests that the "Emotional burden of Monotheism" begins with this biblical suggestion, quoted below.

And One is God The Father of all, and over all, and with all and in us all. Ephesians 4:6, Aramaic Bible in plain English

To believe that God is in everything means that every event we encounter has God's presence. It means that there are going to be events in our life that make us angry and hurt and dissatisfied or disillusioned, and that there will be no means of escape from God in these, because He is in everything. Richard suggests that we Christians use the devil as a means of escape from this emotional burden. How do you trust a God who is in everything? How do you trust a God who let my mother be an orphan at 10 years old, who let those abusers  hurt those children or my best friend lose her mother at 11? How do you praise God when you can see the suffering all around? Here we can default our blame and hatred on an evil devil - these things are evil and therefore could not come from a loving, good God. Richard calls this a soft ditheism, because we can release some of our negativity on this other higher power - not a god, but still a supernatural presence that has some amount of control over what happens on earth, and can take the brunt of the Christian lamentations over earthly suffering.

Richard identified two types of believers in this theory; ones with a robust satan concept (seeing him as active in their lives) - Monotheistic Christians, and ones with an attenuated satan concept (having an abstract view, without identifying him as present in their lives) - Ditheistic Christians. He found that the Monotheistic Christians blamed God more for suffering than did the Ditheistic Christians who placed their blame on the devil. I find this an interesting idea, but I have some trouble with it. As someone coming from an Assemblies of God/ Pentecostal background, (though on the much milder end of it) I have a very robust satan concept. The general consensus is very much on testing the spirit, and the most paranoid and overly enthusiastic Pentecostal will identify the devil in pieces of jewellery and sitting pedestrians. I do believe that the devil is active and more than just an abstract concept. I believe that, but I don't think I believe that he is the cause of all suffering.

I do believe that sin is one of the causes of suffering, but not the only one. I don't know if I've mentioned it here before, but I believe that free will is the main cause of suffering. I think that when God gave us free will, it was a concept or a freedom over the entire earth. I believe that God is supreme, but that He isn't controlling with puppet strings. I believe that He has a plan and a purpose for each one of us, but that He isn't insistent that we seek it. My scripture reference is the story of the talents:

The Parable of the Talents
14“Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. 15To one he gave five talents^a of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. 17So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. 18But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.
19“After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. 20The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’
21“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
22“The man with the two talents also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.’
23“His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
24“Then the man who had received the one talent came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’
26“His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.
28“‘Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. 29For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 30And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’ Matthew 25, NIV

I know that that's a long insert, but I feel like it's a worthwhile read. Most of you would have read it several times before,  and here's my argument. The bible says to test the spirits; it also says that if you don't take what God has given you throughout your life when He is not necessarily "there" and multiply it for good then He will exile you into the darkness. I see this as part of that living sacrifice that the bible also talks about, the offering of control to God that I started this post about. For me, surrendering to the will of God is good and right, but when I identify suffering I see it as another opportunity to test the spirits. As a Monotheistic Christian with a robust satan concept, I understand that the devil will attempt to deceive me and bring me grief even within my Godly purpose. I feel as though I could go from being in pursuit of God's perfect will for my life and absolutely joyous about it to being in pursuit of God's perfect will for my life and completely miserable because I have assumed that everything I experience while in pursuit of this noble goal is God's will for me. I have stopped testing the spirits, because I know myself to be pursuing God. I think that is a mistake.

My theory is tied in the scripture from 1 Corinthians 13:12:

¹²For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. KJV

I often pray for discernment and to be increasingly more sensitive to the Holy Spirit's urgings, but I feel as though until I get to heaven, I will always be just hopeful that I am following the will of God. So if that means that every few days on the wings of a surrendered life I have to say "Uhhm, on second thought..." so be it.

Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL)

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Last Thursday, I found out that I have severed my ACL, and damaged my medial collateral ligament (MCL) with either a tear or a strain, by the looks of the MRI. Apparently, MCL tears and strains are known to repair themselves over time, and the level of injury I sustained here is still mild enough to repair itself. The ACL on the other hand is not known to repair itself. The treatment is pre-surgery rehab to strengthen my quadriceps and eventually surgery that requires removing tendons from my hamstring and fashioning an artificial ACL that will be held in by screws drilled into my tibia and femur. The post-opp recuperation will involve two months of complete immobilisation if I am to do the operation locally. Also, my doctor, who is said to be the best orthopaedic specialist in the country, is leaving the country for a month, and would schedule this operation for January, which would mean an estimated rehab completion of March.

At the moment I am praying about the option of going to seek medical attention back in the UK. Apparently, my Trinidadian doctor is using a more "tried and true" method - one he's very comfortable with, that he's been doing since the eighties. There is, however, a more modern method utilising keyhole surgery, where they make a very small incision and run a tube of sorts into the leg and the surgery is done somewhat remotely through the use of the small tube, which is equipped with a cutting apparatus. The first method will involve holding the flesh of my leg back and removing the tendons, and placing them in the new position as my artificial ACL, i.e., highly invasive.

I am taking a moment to put this out there, because I know that my most faithful blog supporters are my friends - people I love, whose opinions I value and whose prayers I covet. I need you now. I need your prayers, your kind words and your good counsel. I am praying to know which way to go with this surgery, I am nervous about the prospect of surgery under general anaesthetic (in any country!) but I am very serious about getting the best care. All loving input is welcome.

Great in the Process

http://xkcd.com/896/

(Originally Published on Sunday, October 2nd, 2011) 
I am going to keep it short today because I have had visitors and I guess a lot of activity, considering. Just to update, I've had an MRI, the results of which haven't come in yet, and the orthopaedic specialist has called for sick leave until the end of the month, with a metal hinged removable knee brace. I am ok.

Anyway, back to my current musings - being great is something that I think most people would strive for. What does that look like for you? The author at xkcd.com raises an interesting suggestion, that people become great by wanting to do something so much that their sheer effort makes them great. Is there something that you really work hard at?

I think there is something really special about hard work. I think we even find actualisation in the act of working hard at something because we either a.) believe that we can do it better, b.) need to feel useful or c.) understand that working hard at this thing will produce a favourable result for our life. My theory is that if there is nothing a person can identify as their reason to work hard then that can be a dangerous place for them to be. Believing that you could work hard and change the future is something inspirational.

For me, I work hard at being a people support. My blog is written in the hopes of encouraging others, my relationships are infused with moments I try to create to say how much I appreciate what the other has done and how I've seen us grow together. I know I'll come across as massively naive here, but maybe that's just what I am sometimes - my deepest desire is to love. I just see so many facets to love, and it is the only thing in this world that I think you can carry with you both in every earthly circumstance and when you leave it.

Today I would like to request from readers that they post their deepest desire. I just want to know what drives other people, what gets you headed towards your personal greatness?