Today, You Are Enough.

Verse 1
Lord I'm split in two
Part of me loves the world
And the other loves You
So what do I do
I wanna be saved
But I got to stay cool too
And no I'm not a fool
I know eventually I'm gonna have to choose
And really I don't wanna lose
My ticket into heaven
And a chance to be used by You

Chorus

And if it's god I'm after
I can't serve two masters
And before something happens
I got to turn it all around
Because I know
I can't just have my cake and eat it too
Cause it's real easy to stay on the fence and still do you
And it'd be cool if we could love the Lord and still go do our thing
But see it doesn't work like that
I gotta to be white or black

Oh ooohh

Verse 2
Lord I've realized
when it comes to sin
You just don't compromise
It's a matter of death and life
Be weak and do wrong
Or be strong and do right
And I don't wanna keep going to church
Singing all about how much You're worth
And then continue doing my dirt
Living as if I didn't care if You're hurt

And if it's God that I'm after
I can't serve two masters
And before something happens
I gotta turn it all around
Because you know
You can't just have your cake and eat it too
Cause it's real easy to stay on the fence and still do You
And it'd be cool if we could love the Lord and still go do our thing
See it doesn't work like that
You got to be white or black

Oh Ohhh

Bridge
Im telling you that we Saints gotta
(get it together)
Mmmhmmm
We Just gotta
Get it together

Ohh Ohhhh

If it's God we're after
We gotta pick one master
And before something happens
We got to turn it all around
Because you know
You can't just have your cake and eat it too
(Ohhh Ohhhhhh)
Cause it's really easy to stay on the fence and still do you
And it'd be cool if we could love the Lord and still go do our thing
See it don't work like that
You gotta be white or black

Cause it don't work like that
You gotta pick white or black

No Gray
No shades of gray
No no no no no... no no no no no...

Don't work like that
You gotta be white or black

Read more: Jonathan Mcreynolds - No Gray Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

My silence is a result of my own struggles with walking the middle line. How can I look anyone in the face - or even anonymously sit there behind the words I publish when I am not living earnestly, but rather living ominously? 

I feel some amount of permission to come up for air after a long, stifling dive into the stagnant water of my own issues. I've been working hard lately, and I've never been more professionally fulfilled in my working life. That being said, I've never experienced more personal stunting than I have in the past three years. Do you ever have the experience of looking around one day and realising that where you used to have all these varied interests, now only a few things occupy your time? Perhaps someone points it out to you that you seem distracted or just not fully engaged? I've been there. 

I have been in a massive rut. I have been emotionally consumed and it got to the point where I felt hopeless and depressed about my life. Yes, I'm an existentialist, but this wasn't just questions about meaning, this was stubbornly digging my heels into the memories of a chapter that was over and saying "This is the only meaning that should be! This is ALL I want, and the only thing that will ever make me happy!" I don't know if you've ever had a situation like mine, but I can tell you what I've come out of this situation with: 

1.) You don't have to lose the positive experiences when you acknowledge that a season is over: One of the hardest things for me was feeling as though the best years of my life were over. The real issue here is a lack of faith- in myself, in God, in the world around me. Do I honestly believe that the best things in life have already happened? It can't be possible, but it's so easy to believe in a moment of desperation when it feels like you're losing everything. Having faith in yourself means that you understand that you haven't learned everything there is to know about yourself - far less of the world you live in and of God. The best is yet to come. If you don't believe this, just block off one month on your calendar and truly live your life. At the end of the month, look back and see if anything changed. 

2.) Don't forget to live. Sometimes, when things are not just the way you want them to be, you end up closing lots of other doors as you stand stubbornly in front of this one, shut, steel door. Even if this door was open to you, it wouldn't be your whole life. Even if you got the best thing you've always been dreaming of, you'd still need to call your mother/father, you'd still need to invest in your personal relationships, go to work, wet your plants, feed your animals, and wash your car. If you had your perfect scenario, hobbies would still be important. Don't assume that only the version of you who gets that one thing you're hoping for deserves to go riding in the bush, or hiking on a mountainside. This version of you who exists today - the one who is un/under employed, the one who isn't in his or her ideal romantic relationship or condominium - deserves hobbies and vacations and relationships with friends. Life is for YOU, and it is happening today.

3.) Grief is not the same as fixation. It's okay to grieve the loss of something, it is not okay to become fixated on it. It is natural and healthy to mourn your loss and you should allow yourself the room to weep. What is sometimes a risk here though is that transition from mournful about loss to being convinced that loss is all you have. When we lose something important to us, it sometimes happens that we start to assume that the feeling is ours, the pain is ours, and this is what life looks like now. Sometimes, we become convinced that the worst part of our grief is what life is going to feel like forever. Sometimes, we are sure that the only way to have what we've lost is to hold our grief tightly, and let that grief be the answer to all questions about why we're not living our lives. Saying "I'm heartbroken!" is an excellent realisation, but we should never let it become our identity. If we do, then our loss continues to accumulate over time, collecting new things that never happened because of it. Don't let grief become the most striking thing about you. 

4.) Life is ambiguous. The things that we are unclear about sometimes clarify themselves, but most times they require our hard work to become clear. Make sure that you are spending quality time with yourself and what you want.

5.) Life is NOT just about you. Try your best to notice who is around you, and make sure that you're doing all that you can to acknowledge, honour, appreciate and love your environment. When you are feeling better about yourself, it'll never be clearer how much others have been picking up your slack. Try your best to notice them in the moment.  

6.) You're enough. This is something I still struggle with, but it's such an important reminder. I am not my future, I am right now. I don't have to wait until whatever standards I set for myself are perfectly achieved in order to be acknowledged as a person. Look around your life and realise that today, you are enough.