I have lived in five countries. I feel/felt assimilated in four of the countries, and I felt heartbroken when I left three of the five (USA, Germany & Trinidad). I felt comfortable in all five countries though. As a person, I am pretty laid back when it comes to new situations, cultures and people, so moving has been an adventure for me. The reason I bring this up now is because I was thinking about the difference between being a person "originally from..." and a person who is "born and raised in..." I've spoken before about the fact that when you become a world traveller, especially having had the experience of living in other countries and becoming assimilated to the culture, you tend to take ownership of your locale.
The interesting thing about taking ownership of a new place, is that you may lose some ownership of the place from which you've come - you are less friendly with your old friends, for example, you don't know about the physical changes that happen in your other hometown, etcetera. This is what happens, but there is another side to things - the side of connection, where you miss people and places you love, even as you have accepted a full and loving ownership of somewhere new. You are with and without in the sense that this new destination enriches your life in ways that make you stay and you are separated quite fundamentally from people and places that will always be connected to you. You make a choice to live with your balance of gains in the new place and losses in separation from the old.
This week, I'd like to ask the question of what makes you feel separate, and what pulls you in? A few posts ago, I wrote about hedonism. I referenced Dr. Shawn Achor who argued that people aim to be average, in stead of aiming higher. The main message of the post was that research supports the idea that being intentional about our own happiness is positively correlated with how we feel in this regard. Things like keeping a journal of good things that happened, or sending an encouraging email impact the way we (and others!) feel in a day. For me, what makes me feel separate is this idea that life is going on somewhere without me. I struggle with the concept of being present. Sometimes, I am existing in one place, even as I wish I were present in a real and effective way in another place. I am pulled in by the reality that I can impact, be present in, more than one place at the same time through the connections that I maintain.
In my group sessions with employees, I am currently singing an Accountability mantra, and I challenge complaining behaviour with outcome questions - What are you going to do about that? Will you speak to your boss by the next time I see you? What is the next step? The point I'm communicating to them is this - they are empowered by their own behaviour. Yes, sometimes bosses and colleagues and partners take away some of our control with the choices they make, but we are empowered to communicate what makes us feel separate, and what pulls us in. We are empowered to determine what we can live with and without, in a world where we are intentional about truly being wherever we are.
To put it another way, life is what we make it. I was talking to a man yesterday about the differences in personalities, and he said that he thought persistence was a personality trait, and therefore, not something that he would be willing to do in his interactions at work. In relation to our accountability conversation, he said that he just didn't think that persistent communication was "in him." We talked about how different motivators for persistence change the way it feels to be persistent. For example, if someone was threatening to hit your car, harm your children or cut your pay to half for the same hours you would persist as best you could to prevent them from doing that. Personality will come into it in the way that you attempt to prevent them, but it would no longer be about whether or not this was something that you "thought you could do." Isn't it funny the way that we are quick to fight for things outside of ourselves but struggle to fight for even the little things that would improve our personal work, home or other environments?
My challenge for you this week is to ask the question what are you living with and without that you really don't need to be? What do you need to ask for that you haven't yet? Will you go out and be intentional about existing, and being happy?
The interesting thing about taking ownership of a new place, is that you may lose some ownership of the place from which you've come - you are less friendly with your old friends, for example, you don't know about the physical changes that happen in your other hometown, etcetera. This is what happens, but there is another side to things - the side of connection, where you miss people and places you love, even as you have accepted a full and loving ownership of somewhere new. You are with and without in the sense that this new destination enriches your life in ways that make you stay and you are separated quite fundamentally from people and places that will always be connected to you. You make a choice to live with your balance of gains in the new place and losses in separation from the old.
This week, I'd like to ask the question of what makes you feel separate, and what pulls you in? A few posts ago, I wrote about hedonism. I referenced Dr. Shawn Achor who argued that people aim to be average, in stead of aiming higher. The main message of the post was that research supports the idea that being intentional about our own happiness is positively correlated with how we feel in this regard. Things like keeping a journal of good things that happened, or sending an encouraging email impact the way we (and others!) feel in a day. For me, what makes me feel separate is this idea that life is going on somewhere without me. I struggle with the concept of being present. Sometimes, I am existing in one place, even as I wish I were present in a real and effective way in another place. I am pulled in by the reality that I can impact, be present in, more than one place at the same time through the connections that I maintain.
In my group sessions with employees, I am currently singing an Accountability mantra, and I challenge complaining behaviour with outcome questions - What are you going to do about that? Will you speak to your boss by the next time I see you? What is the next step? The point I'm communicating to them is this - they are empowered by their own behaviour. Yes, sometimes bosses and colleagues and partners take away some of our control with the choices they make, but we are empowered to communicate what makes us feel separate, and what pulls us in. We are empowered to determine what we can live with and without, in a world where we are intentional about truly being wherever we are.
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To put it another way, life is what we make it. I was talking to a man yesterday about the differences in personalities, and he said that he thought persistence was a personality trait, and therefore, not something that he would be willing to do in his interactions at work. In relation to our accountability conversation, he said that he just didn't think that persistent communication was "in him." We talked about how different motivators for persistence change the way it feels to be persistent. For example, if someone was threatening to hit your car, harm your children or cut your pay to half for the same hours you would persist as best you could to prevent them from doing that. Personality will come into it in the way that you attempt to prevent them, but it would no longer be about whether or not this was something that you "thought you could do." Isn't it funny the way that we are quick to fight for things outside of ourselves but struggle to fight for even the little things that would improve our personal work, home or other environments?
My challenge for you this week is to ask the question what are you living with and without that you really don't need to be? What do you need to ask for that you haven't yet? Will you go out and be intentional about existing, and being happy?
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