I Won't Change

3.) If things are not yet as I would have hoped, I won't change. This is part two of Resolution 2.) This doesn't mean ceasing to grow, but rather, it means not letting go of your hopes. Admit to your dreams and have faith in yourself, good is in you. I believe that.

One of the main hopes for this blog is to be a source of challenge in the lives of those who read it, starting with my life. I've found myself asking in the last few weeks "Is it possible to change yet remain yourself?" In the blog, you have been hearing about the saga that was my 2011 and all the unexpected life changes that occurred. I had knee (ACL reconstruction) surgery in October, and have spent the last four months on sick leave. Last week, after about a month of battles between my orthopaedic surgeon and myself, I succumbed to the reality of a second surgery. It isn't actual, invasive surgery mind you, it is MUA - Manipulation Under Anaesthetic. My leg, while now able to support my weight to a much greater extent, is not performing flexion or extension to a satisfactory degree - I have a limp, I can neither bend nor straighten it like a normally functioning leg, and the doctor has threatened me with permanent damage if I leave it. I will be admitted to Westshore Medical next Wednesday morning unless I back out, and while I am unconscious, the doctors will vigorously rotate the joint, hoping to break down a series of adhesions that they believe have developed, and that are preventing it from functioning properly. My physical therapist will see me immediately after (or that evening). The real syncher though? There's a chance that the doctor could dislodge the graft (my new ACL) because that has only been in 3 for months. Oh goodness.

I'm not going to go over all the things that have happened in my life lately, but I do want to reference them. They paint you a fairly good picture of where I'm coming from as an individual. A lot of really really crappy things have happened in my 2011, and I have been striving endlessly to hear the voice of God, and be obedient to the things I believe He has called me to. In this blog, I have hoped to maintain my reverence for Almighty God, and to remain ever, eternally grateful and uttering praise to God; the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That has been my heart.

source

What is important to note is that I changed my life in a way that I didn't want to, in the name of obedience. I moved to Trinidad despite having an opportunity to stay in Texas, because this is where I felt God was leading me. I know a lot of people find it difficult to hear about God "leading" people quite so directly, but I believe that God is personal, and if you seek Him for direction, He offers it particularly, not just in general. I have experienced this in my own life more than a few times. So anyway, I came in obedience, and bad things happened. Good things also came out of me being in Trinidad, but nothing obvious. After a year, I was beginning to find myself questioning my own faith.

In January, I started a plan offered by my tablet bible app to read the bible in 90 days. I'm somewhere near  the Israelites getting out of the wilderness and Moses dying. If you've ever read through these chapters in their entirety, you'll know that the author(s) really tried to authenticate the experience of the reader by making it a long, drawn out process. I feel teased every time I go back, thinking "okay, surely this is the last of the wilderness stories I'll have to read?" But nevertheless, neither I, nor the Israelites are out of the wilderness yet.

As I considered the Israelites' story, I began to get uncomfortable. Everyone who has heard that story, has probably heard it in reference to how faithless, disobedient and pathetic the Israelites were, and how Awesome God was, that whole time. Let me tell you, everyone, I read through that, and by the middle of it, I couldn't even deny that I was kind of writhing in my seat with discomfort. Was I an ungrateful, faithless Israelite? Was that same God who threatened bloody murder and devastation the same God at work in my life? The first question was difficult, but not too much to consider, but the second question was world rocking, because I was, honestly, angry with, or somehow disconnected from that God. Yikes.

Have you ever felt that? I was talking to a friend of mine, and I was saying how it is kind of the "Worst thing in the world" for a Christian to think about their doubts. You either are a Christian or you are one of those scoffing sinners, right? These tend to be the marketed choices. I don't believe that. I believe that there is something really great to be said about the questions and the wrestling that comes out of being honest about the bad, as well as the good.

I think that the first step to answering a question about changing while staying the same would be to answer this: Who are you? Research on everything from learning styles to personality to the happiness project tells us not only that the more a person knows him or her self is the more equipped they become to function, but also that human nature is such that people are hungry for that insight. Sometimes you don't even know why you're doing something, or why a person or event rubs you quite so much in the wrong way because you haven't taken the time to explore your own past hurts or your current (maybe frightening) reaction to something. I'm here to suggest that you go ahead and feel your feelings. Go ahead and say your worst nightmare, or admit to that awful truth. I believe it will do you the world of good, and it will put you in a much better position to move forward.

My second step to answering that question would be to find out what is good you versus spoiled you. Some of the elements of you are not good. Some habits, some ways of thinking, some of your behaviours are not worth holding on to, even if they are the natural progression for you. These are spoiled you. In my life, this has meant admitting (sometimes for the first time) to some of the most embarrassing, ugly truths about myself, apologising to the people who these have affected, and seeing if I might be able to do things in a different way. It is as though you are a plant. You sprout leaves, where some are green, supple and healthy, but some are yellow, dry and sickly looking. A good farmer/gardener knows that you have to prune your plant's sickly leaves in order for it to flourish. The plant's health greatly improves after you prune off the leaves that take energy without producing good fruit. On the other side of that, some parts of your personality are different, even vastly so, than people in your life. There are things about you that make you incredibly unique in your space, and that is an excellent thing! Take a long, thorough assessment of you in all of your encounters with other people and find the things that make you different, but that really make you an asset. I promise you these things exist, and they are your keepers.

So, my little reflection this week is on this idea of a changing self, that remains the same. There is a core you, (your heart or your spirit) something that is at the essence of who you are, and this is what you should identify and try to maintain throughout your life. I think there is also a surface you that can use maintenance as you grow in your life. My personal goal is to be open to the pruning, to the cutting away of my spoiled leaves. I will confront the frightening feelings in order to produce good fruit, and I won't make apologies for the unique differences that fundamentally define me.