Post-modern Singleness

Although I placed that picture here in jest, there have been times when I've felt like this was an accurate description of my romantic progress. Whether I shot cupid, or someone else related to the event did, is often in dispute. This entry though, is hopefully far less specific than that. I want to discuss with you the idea of singleness in modern day. The first things I think about are reasons for singleness, people's response to the single, how it feels to be single, and how, in this post-modern day, being single is different to times gone by.

Is the reason for singleness really that varied among demographics? I would assume not. It seems as though worldwide, marriage is either on a decline, or it is failing. Another thing that is happening is that people are getting married later. One American study found that 4 in 10 people thought marriage was becoming obsolete, and a UK study reports that since 1981, the number of marriages conducted has fallen by a third. Another study suggests that Millennials (people between 18-29 in 2010) value parenthood over marriage, and they put the phenomenon down to the changing definitions of family, greatly reduced stigmas attached to single parenthood, same sex parents and cohabiting couples.

So this explanation says that the current generation of young and emerging adults doesn't value marriage as much as previous ones. That's not really novel information at this point, is it? What I think is interesting is how this affects people of faith, who are, in a sense, governed by the parameters of marriage? I guess there are several different versions of singleness. There is the in-a-relationship-but-not-yet-married single, the divorced/widowed single and the single-never-married single (NMS). I'm going to focus on the last group because I feel there is the least amount of "coverage" for this group.

When I use the term "coverage" I think I really mean "immunity". As a 26 year old myself, I find that the single-never-marrieds seem to make people the most uncomfortable. People deigning to be so single as to not even be in a relationship, are often greeted with the most dramatic responses. I once temped at the Google offices in London; I was 21 at the time and in college, and a lady I had known less than 24 hours responded to my answer of "I'm single" by asking, or rather inquiring if I wasn't one of those lesbians. Isn't that mind blowing? And this isn't even bringing the conversation to the church's reaction to or provision for singles. The research tells us that in general, people are getting married later and that this has to do with both the increased presence of women in careers and the need for financial security. Despite all that, you should still find yourself definitively connected to someone by your twenties, though, for heaven's sake.

Every NMS I know commiserates with the plight of constant matchmaking, critics and general how-to-get-out-of-this-deplorable-state advisers. I was talking to some friends about it who thought they would offer these well wishers the opportunity to marry them off to their best selection. If their singleness offends them so much, then here is their pool of potentials, and please choose among these for them, paying close attention to their values, ambition, their family background and personal preferences. The consensus is that it is not easy to find a partner, and often-times as a single person you aren't even allowed the dignity of private struggle, or pain OR, heaven forbid, personal preference to remain single.

I think that being a single in this society is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, you have the liberation of the more mobile, more connected world in which we live. This means that a single person can go travelling, they can develop their cultural awareness, experience new and interesting things independently of a partner, and this is quite socially acceptable. I think this is an area where the secular world does a better job than perhaps the church does. As a single Christian, you have to scour the church bulletin finely to determine whether there is anything other than Sunday School/Kid's church that the church deems appropriate for your category, and even when you do find something it is often framed in a very temporary way. It is with the expectation that this time will soon pass and then you can be a part of the meat of the church, in a real ministry. I think that is a travesty.  As a community, I think we need to be more realistic about the fact that single people will be a perpetual phenomenon.

That being said, the difference between the singles is probably not that vast - everyone has an inherent need to belong, and so on some level may have that sense of isolation that we spoke about earlier; a certain amount of loneliness if only from that social isolation, or from the desire to find that special other. This is the natural progression of life. I've compiled a few suggestions that I have found helpful, that might be helpful to the single person:

• Life is what you make of it. Your age is irrelevant, but your hopes and dreams are not. Consider them as you make plans for your present and your future. 
• Laugh, dance, sing. 
• Travel 
• Enjoy your friends as much as possible
• Join the rugby/tennis/football/badminton/etc team
• Make a bucket list
• Build a car
• Encourage everyone. Always
• Find God (or seek to learn more of Him if you have)
• Don't be afraid of love
• Know that you are beautiful. (Male or female, you are!)