So, Christmas has come and gone in the Carter home, and it was a season like many other Christmases before it - full of family, bustle, tugging and pulling and most importantly, love. Right now I'm alone and in recovery from the festivities, with a lot on my mind. If you know me, you know that I often do a "Year in review," as a tradition around this time, or early in the start of a new year. Today, I'm feeling reflective, and very aware of all the things I've not been aware of through the recent years. This isn't a recounting of the individual events of my 2014, but more a reflection of my feelings in this moment, having experienced everything that I have this year.
My feelings in this moment are that God is gracious, and that in my very best moments, I am uninformed. There are many things that I wrestle with, and that wrestle with me but 2014 has been a year full of the most spectacular silences, the most meaningful distress and the most heart-wrenching disputes. This is life, and it is happening right now. I'm reflecting on the lyrics of Amazing Grace because of how popular a song it is, yet so seldom do I consider the lyrics line by line.John Newton (1725-1807)Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall profess, within the vail,
A life of joy and peace.
"The Lord has promised good to me, His word my hope secures" What conviction! What a reminder! One day, perhaps I will be brave enough to relate my experiences in detail, but for now let me say this truth. This year has seen me the most weary of all the Christianity being pummeled into people's existence - it's not God I've had problems with, but the church. I can't even say how often I've attended services this year, and no I'm not proud of that fact. I just have been going through some personal struggles that I could not trust the church to handle with care. Having said that, that's me relating an individual feeling about the church, it's not me saying "Hey everyone, I have a great idea! Let's all boycott church!"
What's been going on with me is that I needed to hear God more clearly and more loudly than I heard other people and their own personal opinions. It is the nature of people to become convinced by a passionate speaker, but it is really damaging in my opinion when people speak so certainly about things they don't have enough information to be convicted about. In my quiet time this year, in my looking around and in my silent contemplation I've seen myself moving and growing in ways that hold a lot of meaning for me. My revelations for the year have been simple, but really captivating for me. I'll share some here with you:
1.) One foot in front of the other. I started saying this to clients several years ago and found it especially helpful for clients experiencing anxiety. It can be overwhelming to attempt EVERYTHING all at once or even to think about everything in a single thought, but we all go down that road at some point. The end result is that either we pick up our heels and run from experiences that frighten us, or we simply fail to act. This year, I've started giving myself this reminder and I find it to be an excellent way to show myself some compassion. Sometimes, the small mercies we offer others, we refuse to allow ourselves. This brings me to:
2.) I deserve compassion also. I put a lot of pressure on myself generally, but this year was especially full of high stakes decisions and life choices for me. It was high pressure, and I had many ups and downs. After a particularly difficult "down," I realised that I wasn't giving myself any grace - there was no room for me to make a mistake or to have an off day, and I would NEVER treat a client or family member/loved one that way. Why treat myself so harshly? In the past, its worked for me to just ride myself until I completed everything plus two sweaters, but I actually saw this year what happens when you ride yourself into the ground and you fail at something. At some point you will have a physical, cognitive or emotional revolt where things will not work out in your favour by you simply pushing through every warning sign that you need to slow down. By the middle of the year, since I like keeping lists of what I'd like to accomplish, I started putting how I felt about myself at the top of my list. It has kept me accountable in the latter part of the year, and reminded me to consider myself in everything that I was doing. Do I need more exercise? Am I getting enough sleep? Am I having enough fun? This is not me saying that I'm perfect at this, this is me sharing what I am paying attention to working on in my own life.
3.) I mentioned it earlier, but it is definitely its own point: Life is happening right now. There are many a blog post here about my tendency to live in the future, and this year has seen me transition from constant horizon scanning to looking around in my most immediate space. I have been able to enjoy my moments, and also to be relieved of this fear that my worst moment will last forever. When you transition from constantly looking for the next thing to living in today, you realise more that you aren't guaranteed a tomorrow, therefore this is what you have - right here and right now. There's a huge difference between being hopeful for things and living for the future. One means that you're building on the life you have, and the other means that you're banking on the future in order to live. What happens to today? What happens to those relationships that will never have tomorrow? What happens if you don't make it to your next big thing?
4.) I need GRACE. I think that Newton's words sum this up best:
"T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home. "
In terms of me receiving grace, I am truly humbled when I consider God's grace towards me. This is what I think the lyrics express so well. There is also the grace that I must offer myself. As people, it seems that one thing we struggle chronically with is a failure to forgive ourselves, to allow room for error and to allow room for the growth we are yet to have. I consider the last two lines of the quoted stanza and I am encouraged afresh to offer myself the safety to move forward, and to find my way home.
