Hope Looks Like...

Soucre

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." - NLT, Proverbs 13:12

 Hello everyone, I've been absent once again because I spent the last two weeks settling back in, getting used to my schedule and the time difference. My time in England and Scotland was fabulous, and really helpful in terms of giving me some much needed perspective. I think I mentioned that I quit my corporate job in favour of doing some consultant work for them, and turning my full attention to my private practice. Shortly after I moved to Trinidad, I felt as though I should be opening my own business but I had a transatlantic allowance worth of baggage to deal with. I didn't want to stay. I had made plans. I had hopes I couldn't see fulfillment for if I stayed.

For some people, their experience of God is more about moral guidance than it is about life choices. For example, people may let their religious identity dictate whether or not they drink alcohol, go clubbing, have casual sex or attend a church. They may do this, but when it comes to taking a particular job or moving/staying in a given location, they might feel like that is a matter of their personal preference. My experience of God sometimes makes me a bit self-conscious, because I seek Him when making the decisions that many Christians even think are "personal." When I moved to Trinidad, it was because I felt a "calling" here. I didn't want to come, and when I felt sure that this was what I should do, I cried. This isn't something easily explained to anyone, and it's especially difficult as it becomes more and more trendy to be concrete and seemingly empirical about life, and life-decisions. Evidence based practice is the only thing people want to hear about from peer reviewed journals, even when talking about the day-to-day activities of life.

There is no peer reviewed, evidence based practice when it comes to my spirit and heart though, and no empirically sound statement that covers every crevice of my dreams. For me, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. This is the very argument that someone might use to criticise me for making decisions that no one can argue with (how do you compete with God?!).  It's not that I'm afraid to make my own decisions, and it's not like I haven't taken the time to formulate my own opinion. People have talked about how Christians romanticise definitions of faith when really they're exercising stupidity, and I am quite weary of this. I've seen their point, and it makes me feel shy about my own. I depend on God. I have had a very good and very diverse education, and I'm aware of some very un-Christian schools of thought, but I still have faith. What makes this experience of faith different from that of some religious people?  In my opinion, your faith should NEVER attempt to convince someone else of your beliefs or experience. The motivation for sharing that faith, in my mind, should never be to change someone's mind.

My faith in God is never about other people's behaviour. It's always about what I think God is calling me to do. I think that Christians are most offensive when they are so convinced of their amazing "rightness" that they want to bludgeon it into other people.That's when I find them most offensive anyway. I believe that the more you attempt to sell faith to others by showing them how wrong they were is the further away from you they'll run. That being said, my faith is such that I do seek God when making decisions about life. I do believe that God offers guidance that no one else can, and I will sacrifice my original hopes and dreams if I can feel closer to God in a decision I feel called to. The only evidence I can offer you that that is viable for me is in the satisfaction I experience in my spirit and heart when I feel closer (instead of further away) from God. All of this is a digression though, as my real point is about the experience of hope when faith seems to contradict it. I've rambled enough though, so perhaps I'll communicate these thoughts in a poem:

(Retro)Hope

What joy is this when I'm okay in not okay

You wouldn't understand if I told you, 

There's nothing to show for my time yet, but there is. 

Did you see what just happened? 

Did I miss the moment just then?

I'll look back six months, a year from now

I'll look back,

How many times have I counted the dots?

Spaced perfectly, they connect my dreams to me

Isn't it funny?

And to think I thought I'd be here forever.

Things change, whether we want that or not

Things change, even when we cry they won't

And I'm still here,

I'm alive, even.

Slowly, hope seeps into now,

A morph from one image to another

Change. Life. Dreams Alive.

I'll look back and count the dots I see.

A Shiny Toe.

I'm sorry that it's been so long since I've written, I'm currently in Shotley Bridge, Northumberland and have been to Miami, Ft. Lauderdale, Charlotte North Carolina, Philadelphia, London, Edinburgh Scotland, The Lake District in Cumbria and some other parts of North/North East England. A whirlwind of a trip it's been so far, but so so valuable to me. It was Tuesday, I think, when I was in Scotland that I saw one of those very European monuments for the Scottish Philosopher David Hume on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh. I noticed something really interesting about it as we walked by, and I thought I'd share it with you.

With my layman's assessment of these European statues, and no background in art history, I looked at Hume's monument with no real concept of what material the sculpture had been cast in. I just hadn't considered it one way or the other. That was until I looked at his right toe. If you look closely at the second picture above, you can see that Hume's right foot juts out slightly and the toe is suspended off of the statue base. At about one and a half times the actual size, the toe reaches a person of average height at their eye level, essentially making it the easiest thing to touch. After seeing Edinburgh Castle and Gladstone's Land, I was in tourist mode in Edinburgh. Everything is highly protected and picture taking and touching is limited where it isn't prohibited, so you assume everything is from a surreal, ancient time. The style of the sculpture also helps to take you to some other era, where men from climates like Scotland's wear togas in the middle of the city (The fact that he's wearing a Roman toga is the subject of another interesting, albeit irrelevant side-note, but I digress).

So back to the sculpture, and David Hume's toe. Though the statue is actually not that old, it is in the uncovered path of the elements, and has eroded to the blueish-green of many open air brass sculptures. All but his right toe. Hume's sculpture toe has been the lucky receptor of daily polishing by millions every year. Since the statue was finished in 1995, people trying to get a little bit closer have reached out and touched the right toe, making it the only shiny, clearly brass section of the sculpture. I enjoyed the discovery of his shiny toe, and it made me think about people in a similar way.

Have you ever met someone who surprised you with something really interesting and lovely in their character? I think it probably happens most obviously when you're falling in love. If it sounds cheesy, bare with me. I haven't written in a while, plus I really believe this. I think that most of us are a little bit eroded by the elements of our life, as we stand in their direct path. Where you notice your own erosion, you might think about how to get your shine back (read: work through your "issues"), but think about the instances where others either know or see that you clearly are a more beautiful material on the inside than what you're presenting in the moment. Imagine; just think about the people in your life who actively polish (read: affirm, encourage, speak life into) you. Imagine now how many opportunities pass each of us by because we didn't think to polish.

Tonight (it's a quarter to eleven p.m. here), I'm thinking about polish. I'm thinking about how simply reaching out and touching someone can change their very appearance to the rest of the world. It's not that hard, and it doesn't even require elbow grease. Who are the eroded brass sculptures in your life? How do you think you can touch them? My personal effort is going to be to vocalise those positive behaviours I see in the people in my life. I'm starting with affirmation, and looking for more shiny toes.

Oblivion

I watch the crowds, and the ones

Time could not change a heart.

Imagine yourself, somewhere else

Time doesn't always bring your dreams home.

Dancing feelings haunt my dreams

And the minutes do nothing for me

Where could you be, here? 

Where could I?

I climb to the top of my thoughts

To find that they lead to new ones.

I build a tower of theories,

That blows away with conversation

A vast desert can't dry this 

A day in the sun saps nothing

Try reason,

Try release.

Look at the world, 

Isn't it pretty?

Look at the whole, 

Isn't it...

Defending Your Honour

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Today's post is about self-impression. How do you view yourself? Psychology tells us that people take their self impressions into every relationship they have - your core beliefs dictate how you interact with others, at least to some extent. Self-aware people might work to challenge their negative core beliefs, acting with faith that in a particular relationship, things can be different (read: better), while people who are less self aware will not even realise when they orchestrate their relationships to if not prove, then test their negative hypotheses about the world, and people around them. Most people use impressions of themselves and others to navigate the world around them. You look at others, and you compare that behaviour to the impressions you have about them. If it's the same, you're fine, but if it's different most people are troubled by this.

For example, if you go to a movie theatre and attempt to purchase tickets for a movie but the attendant sings happily instead of attending to your request, you'll be annoyed by this, right? Your impression is that if you walk up to the box office and make a movie request, you should receive service. Another example has to do with beliefs you have about yourself. Most of us prefer to think of ourselves as capable, confident and positioned as a relevant member of our societies. When we are in conversation with others, and we find ourselves dishonoured, disrespected or somehow offended, but we fail to interject a protest, most of us walk away from those moments feeling badly about ourselves. Why didn't I know what to say to him/her? I should have told him/her where to get off... Your impression of yourself is that you are a confident and relevant part of the world you live in, and any (be it brief or extended) moment you don't feel that way is upsetting. You need(ed) to counter this other impression (a negative self-impression) with a positive one. In this case, the counter could be to say "I don't like that..." to the person directly or to rationalise in your own mind that that person isn't informed enough to speak about your worth, or impact, etc. Sometimes I think of this as defending your own honour, and it's an important skill to develop to have healthy relationships.

Defending your honour gives you and the other person an opportunity to clarify your/their position, and in the case of the offender, it gives them an opportunity to make amends. If you do this pretty promptly, you can avoid so much tension in your work/home/church/club relationships. Now, this sounds like a pretty basic concept, right? But how often are you practising this in a week? The other side to this is how healthy is the relationship you have with yourself? You can also defend your honour to yourself. In fact, sometimes our own private critiques are the most relentless and brutal of them all. When you think something negative about yourself, or your life, do you counter it with something more positive? How often are you comparing the positive evidence with one negative impression?

Living Like You Mean

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The logic has left, I tell you!

It is no longer here.

The logic has left, be sure

For no one stands free of their care

In a recession you attempt your dreams?

In a leap of faith you clutch for stability?

Sometimes, you know nothing

Sometimes, you know nothing

And that's just right.

The logic has left, I tell you!

It's gone.

Try dancing a waltz to Beiber

Or crowning the new King of Holland, Queen.

In the middle of the story, you want to know the end?

In the silence before crescendo, you want to scream?

Sometimes you know nothing

Sometimes you know nothing

And that's just right.

The logic has left, I tell you!

It's totally fricking gone.

Try hoping for that unseen,

Or living like you mean. 

The logic has left, I tell you!

It is no longer here.

The logic has left, be sure

For no one stands free of their care.

Struggling With Balance: How Do I Dream?

Lately, I've been in a struggle to figure out what it means to live well in the context of what you hope for, versus what is. Shortly after I moved to this twin-island nation two years and four months ago, I adapted the phrase "It is time to admit to your dreams!" as the closing tagline of my emails. At first, this was my own therapeutic intervention for the panic that ensued after certain dreams failed to materialise. Then, this turned into a more obscure concept.

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Where my original idea was that you needed to dream big and put the bricks to that dream one on top of the other until you built it, my second idea was that my dreams, and your dreams only give us information about what we want based on the current information we have. Now bare with me, because I'm thinking as I'm typing about this one. What if our dreams are only the ushers to an unknown future? I have to admit, that in my life up to now I have been quite rigid about my dreams. I remember a conversation I had with my cousins who are almost a decade my seniors and we discussed dreams and how many goals we'd achieved for our lives. My older cousins, both a part of the workforce for several years, resounded with "Not nearly all of them." I found this interesting, and probed for more information. One of my cousins said that once you get out of school, it starts becoming harder and harder to control what does and does not happen for you.

Here lies my struggle: while I agree that there are no guarantees in this life, and once certain milestones are achieved, you become even more open to the circumstances of chance - Wait...what? Do I believe this?

Psalm 37:23 ESV / 7 helpful votes

The steps of a man are established by the Lord,when he delights in his way; 

Okay, so no, not really. Maybe if I believed in nothing, no higher power then I'd believe that I become more susceptible to the circumstances of chance as I get older, but here's the real dilemma: free will and nature versus fatalism. If free will awards every human the right to choose good or evil and nature reacts without justice, then how do I reconcile the goodness of God with the consequences of evil action or unjust nature (e.g. Mummies dying or natural disasters)?

Romans 8:28 ESV / 6 helpful votes

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 

Is this a contradiction? Many others have written about this before me; the struggle of seeing God as loving in the face of all that is hateful and unjust, so I won't repeat it here. I will just say that the latter verse doesn't promise only good in the lives of those who love God, but that He will cause the circumstances of a person's life to work out for good, regardless of how they originated. I would call this hope. One of the main dangers in the condition of depression is the complete loss of hope. Despair is the space where a person becomes convinced that nothing will ever change. My main focus in this post is on the idea of dreams as our vehicles to move through life and on living well as a result. A few posts ago I wrote about the importance of movement in keeping us hopeful about our future, and this is the next step.

What if one of the major causes of despair is that we consider our dreams as destinations instead of vehicles? In a world like ours where goodness is not the only factor at work, it means that 100% of outcomes can't be good. It means that everything we hope for, won't happen. This is true, but where God's promises step in there is hope - regardless of how events originated, God causes things to work together for good. Hope! If you believe Romans 8:28 then you have something to clutch to - something good will come out of every bad thing. If you believe in Psalm 37:23 then you can calm some of your existential angst with the hope that your delight in God and prayerful seeking might mean that you make better decisions than if you just tried to orchestrate your life on your own. Hope!

I hope you take this post in the spirit in which it is intended - this is a discussion, as always and in this particular post, you all peek at one of my struggles. I don't mean that the presence or absence of dreams is a direct correlate of depression, although it is well known that hopelessness is a clear feature of the condition. This is not a condemning position, nor one meant to offer causation for depression. Neither is this post intended to replace medical treatment or professional therapy. Take care of yourself as much as you can. This post is intended to raise the subject of dreams as energy that drives us forward. The intention here is to challenge you in the way you think about the things you hope for - MUST you have them exactly, or can you accept that your pursuit of dreams (whether they come to pass or not) might play a crucial role in walking you through the life that God intends for you?

Sigh: Love As it Was Made To Be

Sigh No More

Serve God, love me and mend

This is not the end

Lived unbruised, we are friends

And I'm sorry

I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more

One foot in sea and one on shore

My heart was never pure

And you know me

You know me

But man is a giddy thing

Oh man is a giddy thing

Oh man is a giddy thing

Oh man is a giddy thing

Love it will not betray you

Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free

Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment, a cry

Of my heart to see,

The beauty of love as it was made to be

- Mumford & Sons

Love as it was made to be...

I haven't posted recently because I feel bombarded by the details of my own life. Yes, therapists feel like that too. So much is going on that it's hard to focus. What do you know about love as it was meant to be? I have been faced with a number of situations lately where I have had to explore that definition. It turns out that what you actually do in a situation where the people you care about act badly is where your love level can be defined. Are you forgiving? Do you hold it against the person because they're awkward or not self-aware? In the last few weeks, I've been both the wrong-doer and the victim of bad behaviour, and it's made me think about grace. 

Merrian-Webster defines grace in the following ways:

a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b : a virtue coming from God

c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

I think that this is our redemption right here - in grace, we are made sanctified or regenerated. In our relationship with God, this happens on a daily basis. We make a decision to be a certain way, but then the fallen humanness in us causes us to err. God doesn't hold this against us and end the relationship, but He offers His grace to all who would accept it. He is perfect. I think one of the reasons people find this so difficult to accept is that in human relationships, this is hard to do. Most people distrust others to do right by them 100% of the time, and this is because people are incapable of doing right by others all of the time. It is a form of self preservation to be cautious in relationships, to ask "Do I give this person another chance?" but love says that we must. 

We don't even have to talk about the serious offences that people commit against us, we can start with the little annoying habits of the people in our lives - the passive aggression, the silence, the hostility, the anger. I want to tell you that sometimes, you are a perpetrator as am I. Do you offer your people grace? Or, do you become angered by their neuroses? Today's post is about having grace for the people in your life. It's about holding back long enough to see the bigger picture. An annoying behaviour might be a sign of someone else's prison, rather than their malice. Try to see things differently, and give them the same grace that you also need.  

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Defending My Organics

In biology, an organ is a collection of tissues joined in a structural unit to serve a common function.^[1]

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This morning, I am thinking about being alive. It isn't what you might imagine though, so I'll ask that you bare with me. The living tissue in my body that tells a physician that I am alive does not give a psychologist the same information. Forgive my morbidity, but have you ever held a dead animal (perhaps a pet hamster, or dog)? If you haven't, have you ever observed a healing wound on your own body becoming hardened? The minute blood stops moving through the body, it begins to clot and in the case of an open wound, this is good, but spontaneous clotting can be detrimental. 

Pathophysiology

Specifically, a thrombus is the inappropriate activation of the hemostatic process in an uninjured or slightly injured vessel. A thrombus in a large blood vessel will decrease blood flow through that vessel (termed a mural thrombus). In a small blood vessel, blood flow may be completely cut-off (termed an occlusive thrombus) resulting in death of tissue supplied by that vessel. If a thrombus dislodges and becomes free-floating, it is termed as an embolus.

Haemostasis is any process that causes blood to stop. In other words, if we define blood as our life fluid, a process that stops blood from moving will (potentially) kill us. As a therapist, I am thinking about this, because I wonder if there isn't something similar in our psychology. My theory is this: if a process causes our human spirit to stop, it can potentially kill us. Of course, I'm not suggesting that we might physically die, but I am suggesting that we might stop living. 

Recently, I've been faced with some big decisions about my life, the kind of decisions that take you to other countries and ransack everything that you thought was already confirmed. I have struggled with it, because I deeply wanted my "confirmed" expectations to stay that way. I wanted the things that I hoped for to simply be. It turns out that everything doesn't happen in life the way we expect (go figure!) though. After I finished complaining privately about this, my next thought was to ask myself "What am I missing by assuming that my best hope is the only truth in the world?" 

I imagined myself then, as this organic being, and my psychological state fixated on the one thing I hoped for, but didn't see actualised. I imagined myself slowly hardening in the hope deferred. If a process stops my psychological state from moving (read: growing, adapting, learning the world's truths, discovering God), then I imagine it is potentially killing me - turning my organic psychology into a rigid, dead thing. I don't want that. Have you ever found yourself hardening in a hope deferred? Today's post is about reflecting on your psychological clots - those areas of your thinking and belief system that aren't moving and that might be causing you to stop altogether. 

The good news is that life constantly sends things that challenge your psychological state, but you have to be self aware enough to recognise when you're not moving, or when you haven't moved in a decade (for example). What things do you see in your own life that need to change? Where do you need to grow? My next thought is that I (we) have to become active in defending our own movement. That is, we should NEVER get to the point of feeling fully informed about life, and our place in it. Keep asking questions, keep understanding alternative hypotheses and keep moving.

He Is Risen! (And what that means to me)

I posted last year about my fatigue where Christian Easter messages were concerned, and what I thought the real weight of the Easter message was. I'm going to repost it, just because I still feel this way, and I hope it helps someone this year, also. Happy Easter, my friends <3

When John 3:16 Isn't a Cliché

John 3:16

New International Version (NIV)

 ¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

The scripture above is probably the most quoted of any among the followers of Christianity. It is popular enough to have become a tad cliché to people like me who've spent years and years as members of the faith. It is to the point where last week, the Easter holiday, I actually rolled my eyes at people who posted pictures of Jesus on the cross or updated statuses with "He is risen!" I thought that people's interjections were so obvious, expected and just cliché. What does that even mean to us? I questioned. I surfed the cable channels and I found a few showing The Passion of the Christ and I quickly advanced the dial thinking that I really don't need to watch that gruesome movie ever again.

As the week progressed though, I felt it laying heavily on my heart that I was losing understanding or appreciation for what that verse is really saying. In this world that we live in, it is very unpopular to be a religious fanatic. You can have faith, but you have to be progressive and cool about it. In the vast majority of western culture, morality is a loose and sliding scale. In my generation and the younger ones, we value inclusivity, and have a greater dialogue going on the negative impact of bigotry and fanaticism. Here, I wondered if my progressive and inclusive modern Christian thinking was leading me to forget or compromise my fundamental beliefs. So, thestory is that God sent Jesus (The word) to earth to be born of a virgin (to become flesh) and grow up to live among us, only to be innocent but accused, eventually being crucified like a criminal for all of our sins. These are some of the verses that tell us why Christians believe that Jesus' crucifixion lead to our redemption:

2 Cor. 5:21, "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."

1 Peter 2:24, "and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed."

Rom. 8:3-4, "For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, 4so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit."

And so there are several biblical references that tell us of Jesus' feat for man on the cross. A flesh-and-blood man, yet the incarnate God, came to earth, willing to be brutalised for the sins of man, that we might live eternally. What does it mean? I was beginning to struggle with that because as adults walking around, breathing, and even living relatively successful lives, it isn't always easy to grasp. It isn't always real to me, as in something that I can understand or walk in that I was going to die, or that I was going to live in total separation from God (and from true liberty) if Jesus didn't symbolically die in the ultimate sacrifice for my sins, years before I even existed.

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I said to myself, okay, so where does that leave me, then? What does Jesus's death on the cross mean to me? This was the point where I began reflecting on John 3:16. Here is what I got: understanding the weight of my sin for judgment, especially in this "all things are permissible" world that we live in, is more difficult but understanding that the human fate is to perish, is easy. What I mean is, the world we live in today doesn't make it easy for us to even consider punishment for our bad choices. I mean that there is very little point of reference in this world to think that just bad behaviour, just less than pristinely moral, could lead to any valid judgment. These days, you could argue that it is bigoted intolerance if anyone puts any kind of value judgment on another's everyday behaviour. Even laws, which are generally the only still accepted judgment, can be challenged to suit the empowered people of today (e.g. abortion, gay marriage, the right to bear arms and kill another in "self-defence").

My point is just that there is not a lot of evidence to suggest that there are any consequences to making choices based solely on your own personal agenda. If you aren't breaking any laws, and you aren't hurting anyone, then what's the problem? I know that this is the place that a lot of people today are coming from, and so I wonder then, how we can still receive from a verse that says God sent His only son so that we would not perish but have everlasting life? I realised that while it is harder to grasp that "the wages of sin is death", it is easy to see that if you don't believe in anything, then you perish. In my own life, I perish in the moments where I don't see purpose, when I see suffering and experience hopelessness. In my life, Jesus is my redeemer from the moments where I wonder nihilistically. For me, belief in a God who is supreme, who loves totally and understands all things brings me back to life, where I would have perished. And so, what if one of the ways that this verse stays really relevant is in the fact that to continue in our selfish little lives the way we're used to, to become consumed with the regular, run-of-the-mill life that we see in front of us is to perish?

Here's what I think: If we don't have belief that we are redeemed, if we can't hope that our own human stupidity isn't permanent or a deal-breaker to a future life in paradise; if we can't even look forward to a future in paradise, then we all perish. In the world we live in now, we are plagued by our own imperfection. We get into relational drama, we lose our focus, we change our minds, and we make poor choices. I think this is the exhausting part of being human, and if we can call this an effect of sin, then that scripture becomes completely relevant to our world today. Today, we all perish as a result of our sin this way. We all suffer as a result of our imperfection, and to consider that Christ, my redeemer, died on a cross to carry the burden of my sin, (this sin), is to have my aha moment, is to say okay, that is real today and that is life-giving. Christ offers the cross on a daily basis to me for my sin-burdened life.

In this view, it isn't someone else making a judgment of what I've done, to tell me I am unclean and living immorally, it is me taking a good long look at my own heart and life, and saying "Oh! This is hard and heavy." This is me looking upwards for redemption from my personal burden. While I can repent of what I did yesterday, everyday I sin, and everyday it burdens me, but Christ offers eternal life - He can take my burden. The image of the cross is my lighthouse; where I become sick on a sea of my own sin-burdens, I can look for the light (which is Christ) and say "I believe in You, God."  If Christ offers a shift from the burden of a sin-based life to a spirit-based one where I find communion and comfort in relationship with Supreme, All-knowing God, then excuse me everyone, while I update my Facebook status to John 3:16. 

I Defer.

What shall be said when life is the subject? 

Who can withstand force, expectation? 

If it were up to me, if it were up to me! 

Have I once decided the rising of the sun? 

Was there a time where the birds flew to my leading?

Were it up to me, were it up to me... 

Turmoil is the space between wishing and a hope deferred,

But who can deny it? 

Were it up to me, were it up to me...

Can it be honestly said that I know how to manage,

A life totally within my control? 

If it were up to me, if it were up to me!

Any chances to see more, are coveted,

Any glimmers of control, are clutched. 

Were it up to me, were it up to me... 

What then, when information is not whole?

Who is responsible for this?

If it were up to me, if it were up to me...

I Defer. 

Does That Make Me Crazy?

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I remember when, I rememberI remember when I lost my mindThere was something so pleasant about that placeEven your emotions have an echo in so much space

And when you're out there without careYeah, I was out of touchBut it wasn't because I didn't know enoughI just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?Does that make me crazy?Does that make me crazy?Possibly

And I hope that you areHaving the time of your lifeBut think twiceThat's my only advice

Come on now, who do youWho do you, who do you, who do you think you are?Ha ha ha, bless your soulYou really think you're in control?

Well, I think you're crazyI think you're crazyI think you're crazyJust like me

My heroes had the heartTo lose their lives out on a limbAnd all I rememberIs thinking, I want to be like them

Ever since I was littleEver since I was littleIt looked like funAnd it's no coincidence I've comeAnd I can die when I'm done

But maybe I'm crazyMaybe you're crazyMaybe we're crazyProbably

GNARLS BARKLEY - CRAZY LYRICS 

Most of you know that I work as a therapist in private practice and as an on-staff psychologist in a group of companies. One of the biggest struggles I face is in people's assumption that the need to "talk to someone" is a sign that they are slowly or swiftly "losing it." The number of times people say things like "don't judge me for saying this, but..." or "Does that mean I'm weird?" or even more popularly "Does this make me crazy?" is too vast to count. In fact, the popular song captioned above sums the experience up quite nicely. In the world of this Gnarls Barkley song, you're either crazy and delusional about it (enjoying the experience) until someone points it out to you or crazy because someone else thinks you are.

Let me just put a stake firmly in the ground and say that "crazy" is a completely clinically useless term. There is no such diagnosis in science. As far as I can explain it, crazy is a layperson's term to describe anything from an unwelcome parental decision, to an isolated piece of erratic behaviour, to foil-helmet-wearing-aimless-wondering behaviour. Crazy is a completely arbitrary term, and unless you ask some follow up questions about what that means to the uttering individual, you may be walking away with a false impression, even when you are the one throwing the word around.

I think that most people have a scary place. Most people, in my experience, have a thought or a state that feels completely intolerable to them, and most people try to avoid that place. The exception to this might be people who have a mental illness, like depression or schizophrenia. In depression, people tend to fixate on the negative or ruminate about the unpleasant truths or possibilities in their lives. The effect of this is hopelessness. In schizophrenia, depending on the type they may become paranoid about people, or experience things that are not experienced by others around them. For the general population though, I think avoidance is a huge source of people's experiences of "craziness." What I hear people saying when they say "I feel so crazy right now" or "This makes me so crazy" is that they either don't know how to understand something they're experiencing, or they have a garbled web of feelings and they feel as though they cannot sift them. That doesn't make you crazy, if by crazy you mean fallen off the face of society and now cursed to live on the outskirts as one of those unfortunate people with a problem.

ATTENTION!
We ALL have problems.
We ALL feel afraid to face the truth sometimes.
We could ALL use someone to talk to.
We ALL fail, sometimes.
We ALL experience hope deferred.
We've ALL loved someone who never loved us the same.
We ALL need to shake our fists sometimes and shout "THIS ISN'T FAIR!"
We ALL want to feel like our life matters and means something.
We ALL need a hug, a touch or a cuddle, regularly.
We ALL need someone to tell us we're not crazy, or that what's making us feel crazy too, will pass.

Let me be clear, because sometimes people experience mental illness, which is not the same as "being crazy." Being crazy seems to be a layman's description of the complete or partial loss of control of the self. It seems to be the definition for losing access to your own control in the world, and it almost always has connotations of a "lost cause." Mental illness, much like physical illness is some area of dysfunction of an individual's cognitive/emotional state. In mental illness there is assessment, diagnosis and treatment and researchers are busy at work all over the world learning more and more about how our bodies, minds and souls work together. In mental illness, there is a process to healthy or healthier behaviour - there is psychological and pharmacological treatment to help a person get back to a place where they have control or more control over their condition. There is hope for someone with mental illness, because actually we all experience ill health when sad things happen, when we feel disappointed or confused or when we do not understand. The preceding list is not meant to minimise someone's experience of an acute mental illness, but to remind us all that these are the very common things that make up a human experience.

My challenge for you today is to admit to some of the things that frighten you. Admit to the things that hurt your feelings. You don't have to tell anyone else, but if you have a trusted friend, partner or therapist, I'd encourage you to share with someone who will maintain your confidence. You're not crazy, because there is definitely hope for you. If you need help, there is absolutely no shame in that. We ALL do.

Confessions: When I feel like Jonah

I have started at least seven posts in the month or so since I've written. I've stared endlessly at my drafts and felt guilty that I haven't produced here. Why haven't I? I've been in Texas, I've had a birthday, and I've been horribly distracted by my life. I think it's okay to be distracted by your life for a while, as long as at some point you say "Okay, PAUSE!" and you take a minute to really understand where you're at. My minute is here, or more accurately, I think my minute is overdue.

Two Sundays ago I got off a plane to re-enter what is my current reality. I was in Texas exploring an exciting option for my future, and the whole time this was a prospect, I'd marketed it to myself and others as "simply one of my options." While this was true, in my heart of hearts this was the thing that I deeply desired to come to pass. It didn't, and I've spent the last week dealing with my dissapointment over the whole thing. I put a lot of time, effort and money into this, and everything felt so right, with the pieces seeming to fall into place. When the final word came that it was a no go, I couldn't do much but be devastated. What now? Even though I had prefaced the endeavour with this idea that this was one of several options, it was the one I wanted. I didn't have any certainty walking in, and actually I felt that the other options that didn't include me moving were just as likely to happen (maybe even more so).

Source

Understanding Free Will
I feel as though I have to revisit the idea of free will. Have you ever read the story of Jonah? Jonah is a really well respected prophet in his time, and God tells him to go to a city called Nineveh to prophecy. Basically, God is not pleased with them and threatens to destroy their city. Immediately, Jonah runs for the hills. He goes the opposite way, because he absolutely doesn't want to do it. He gets on a ship and falls asleep while sailing to a city in the opposite direction, but a terrible storm causes the sailors to eventually throw him overboard because it comes out that he is running away from God. In the ocean, a large fish swallows Jonah, and he is in the belly of the fish for three days and nights. During this time he has a chance to think things over, and he acknowledges God as his rescuer, and supreme. Then, the fish vomits Jonah up on dry land.

Jonah travels to Nineveh and gives them the message that God is not pleased with their evil ways, and the people of Nineveh take heart, and repent with prayer and fasting. When God sees their repentance, He shows them mercy and decides not to destroy them. This outcome angers Jonah, and we discover that this was his reason for not wanting to go in the first place. He was furious because they deserved the punishment that God threatened, but God showed mercy and love instead. God asked Jonah if it was right that he be angry about this, and Jonah said he was so angry, he wished he were dead. God let him sit in his anger, and didn't really offer him any comfort. In the passage, He only explains that a mass of people and livestock live in the city of Nineveh, and even if Jonah had nothing to do with creating them, they all have value and don't really know better. That's all. Exit the book of Jonah.

Seriously? Has God given us free will, or not?

Dr. Greg Boyd writes on the biblical basis of free will in this excerpt from his page:

The Bible assumes that people made in the image of the free Creator are capable of freely creating on their own. This is at least part of what Scripture means when it says that humans are made in God’s image (Gen. 1:26–27). We reflect God’s self-determination. We think, act and determine our destinies out of our “heart.” The Lord sets before us the possibilities of our lives, including the possibility of life or death. But we freely actualize whatever possibilities our “heart” desires.

That Scripture is not depicting a “soft determinist,” “compatibilistic,” understanding of freedom is clear from the fact that humans often use their freedom in ways that directly contradict the Lord’s will. People are not puppets that God secretly controls, but free agents who possess significant control of their own lives, and can either cooperate with, or resist, the will of their sovereign Creator.

This contradicts the classical notion that everything in history reflects God’s sovereign will. History rather frequently reflects the will of creatures who oppose the sovereign will of the Creator. The Bible clearly teaches that God unequivocally does not will sin. But obviously sin still occurs. Similarly, the Bible explicitly states that it is not God’s will that any person would perish (1 Tim. 2:4; 2 Pet 3:9). But many nevertheless do perish. Hence, it is clear that God’s will is not always accomplished, and God’s heart is frequently grieved.

What about Jonah, though? Jonah didn't want to do it, but God made his environment pretty unbearable until he did. Is it that Jonah still could have chosen not to do it, but there was enough ambivalence in him that a part of him was always willing to go? I struggle with this, because Jonah is so unhappy with the outcome that he is suicidal by the end of the story. How is this free will? I'll tell you a little about how I relate to Jonah as far as my recent experiences go. This blog has followed me through some difficult experiences in my life, starting with a big move of about 3000 miles from a life I understood and loved, to a life I have very little control over. I didn't want to do it, but I felt that this is where God would have me, and I value obedience over creature comfort.

Ever since I've taken the first step, I've been trying to sail in the opposite direction to the city I think God is guiding me toward (my Nineveh). I've been trying to sail away from Nineveh, and I feel like my environment has made it impossible for me to escape anything that is God's will for me. This is painful, and it challenges the loving image of God. I wanted to talk about it because I always want to be real with you. Not everything about being a Christian is a bed of roses, and sometimes you find yourself angry with God. Jonah might have asked himself why God bothered to make him come that way to threaten these people if He was only going to forgive them? Sometimes I ask similar things, like why would God bother to allow me to pursue certain things if He was only going to close doors later on? I think these feelings are quite normal, as many people experience similar frustrations.

The thing is, there is a huge web of twisted loops to free will. If everyone is allowed to choose, it means that every decision God makes is not going to solely be about me. Of course, I'm using a human mind to think about supernatural, Godly cognition (much like Jonah). I take Dr. Boyd's point, because the world we live in is clearly imperfect, and wouldn't it be terribly arrogant for me to assume that because I've witnessed God's perfection that I should be entitled to it, to the detriment of others? If God is consistently the same, then mercy and judgement, truth and grace should be distributed evenly amongst every person on earth, not just me. The final message of Jonah is that everything is not about me and what I understand about life. Some of my own goings and comings will have nothing to do with what I've cultivated or know, and will be solely about masses of God's creations that need attention. Sometimes, what God asks of me will be about others, and not about me at all.

After I've stomped my feet and said "But Gooood!" I think I'm okay with that.

Tell Me A Story (A Poem)

Here's a tale for hopefuls, 

All over the world. 

Here's a tale for the symptoms 

Of a discovery untold. 

Perhaps a silly poem,

Will drain the tension. 

Strolling through an expectation

Always brings life. 

This story has no ending,

And that tends to be a relief. 

This story has no stop,

Only the brief inhalation of breath.

Looking forward, I expect to see the story there

Such a silly thing.

It isn't played out, yet

But I must move, nevertheless. 

  

The Suffrage to Love

Grant us the space to open our arms 

To every pain You have in store. 

The realities of sacrifice 

Let us know there is always more

Grant me the grace to love myself,

Even when I am truly seen.

Let the words of my heart be painted out

In the Love that I can glean 

What does it mean when Love graces me?

How can I stand the title?  

Grant us the grace to acknowledge 

That we must choose and take Love. 

Teach us a lesson of futility 

That we might never assume.

What does it mean when Love graces me?

How can I stand the title?  

Optimal Foraging Theory

Yesterday, I went walking with my namesake and friend near her house. She lives in a lovely little nook of a neighbourhood that manages to nest itself (as developed as it is) in a vast sea of wildlife and greenery. As I pulled my car to a stop near a hedge of ivy, there were two birds in a little stream along the edge of the fence. These birds were at the very edge of the stream's bank and I saw one of them forcefully jab his beak into the swiftly flowing water. To my surprise, I saw him pull out a huge object from the water - don't ask me what that was, I have no idea, but relative to a little bird this was a huge something to be pulling out. I saw the other bird hop along the bank and attempt the same move, but he came up with nothing.

Source

There was another bird, a Kiskadee (pictured above) that approached from a high point of the ivy hedge, but s/he didn't descend. Instead, I watched the Kiskadee observe these other birds. I don't know if the Kiskadee thought they were wasting their time in the drain, or if s/he thought s/he'd wait to see what they came out of their hunt with. I thought suddenly "They're foraging!" like that was some epiphany, but it just dawned on me that foraging is such an absolutely foreign concept to the human experience. Isn't it? I mean in western society I think the biggest drive is in knowing how to afford sustenance (I'm using the term sustenance loosely here to mean not just food, but everything we think we need to survive). Most of us aren't going around looking for food. Right?

As soon as I agreed with myself that no, most of us weren't going around looking for food, I realised that in some ways, that is exactly what we're doing. Consider the three specimens; one bird dived in beak first, full speed ahead without invitation or support. He came out with a huge find. The other bird followed his lead, but was further up the stream than the first bird, and found nothing. The third bird observed everything that happened before he decided to do anything one way or the other. Do you see anything familiar there? I saw human parallels in that, where the food is more of a life sustenance, an energy source. Some people watch what others are doing before they make a decision, some follow immediately in someone's footsteps, and some dive straight in and follow their gut reactions.

The Optimal Foraging Theory (OFT, MacArthur & Pianka, 1966) suggests that a species would probably evolve to have the most efficient means of harvesting resources, that is, it will use the least energy in the smallest space with the greatest margin of return. The theory suggests that the patch or site of foraging should only be expanded to the point where the units of harvested energy exceed the spent energy. This will include not only the type of food acquired (i.e. level of preference & nutrition for specific foods), the number of competitors and the distance to acquire food. I found this interesting as a concept, and I wondered if we were an efficient species under the lens of OFT. To make it more personal, I wondered if I was efficiently harvesting sustenance from my environment based on a theory of optimal foraging.

In the days of social media, we are bombarded with data. I was going to call it "information," but some of the things I encounter on social media inform me of nothing - data feels more appropriate because it describes the raw harvested substance. OFT looks at levels of sustenance, or energy retained from each food source collected and the length of time that that food source provides energy to the forager. What could this mean for us when the energy sources represent things we collect to propel us forward in our life? Energy sources to humans can come from food, but they can also come from other people, books, television, movies and activities. On social media, energy sources can come from not only direct interaction with other people, but also the various memes, gaming applications and fan or support pages.

OFT could explain why some people have 3000 friends and redistribute memes 50 times a day, while others respond with "K" to a novella posted on their page, and whose last activity was a month ago. OFT is also an interesting measuring stick for our own efficiency in harvesting energy. Are you collecting more energy than you're expending in searching for, defending and consuming life? I hope this isn't too abstract a metaphor, but which bird are you? Which bird do you think is most efficient, and do you think each bird is in the same position? What I mean is, what if the bird who dove straight in pulled out a useless, heavy piece of wood with no nutritional value? What if he strained his neck muscles from hastily grabbing at the biggest thing he could find? What if the bird who was further up the stream caught guppies right after I got out of my car? And what if my observing Kiskadee doesn't even eat out of streams, but strictly eats berries?

To make it human, I consider my own position in life. I am energised so much by diversity. I would move to Iceland or the Falkland Islands at the drop of a hat if I thought that was right for me, just because I am hungry for information about people and lifestyles and just different ways of being. Living in a place where I feel like nothing changes literally makes me tired. For others, they could think of nothing worse than moving all the time, or going to a strange place where they don't know anyone. They might get energy from being close to home and knowing that their well known community is only a short distance away. We have a different context, and our energy sources are different. If we try to find energy from the other's source, we'll never have enough. This is another reason why I think it's so important to learn yourself. I say "learn" and not "understand" because the latter sounds as though you do some exploration and at some point you understand what you found. I don't think human beings are simple enough to be understood entirely - I think it's more about continuously learning something new about yourself and reactions.

According to OFT, depending on the environment, preference of species and existence of competition, a foraging niche is formed. This is the patch where the least energy is expended for the greatest return in sustenance for the forager. I use this to ask myself the following questions:

1.) What gives me energy (what are my food sources/is my sustenance)?
2.) What are my preferred sources of sustenance?
3.) Who is competing with me for what I want?
4.) Is my energy to get sustenance greater or less than the sustenance I receive?

Then, I find my niche. My calculations show that it'll take the rest of my life, or I'll be finding different little niches for the next 60 or so years. Here we go! :)