There I was, driving along a country road on a Saturday morning headed to a remote beach on the north east coast of Trinidad. Despite the really encouraging experiences I had had during my first week of work, I was feeling very low. I was feeling low to the point that I almost burst into tears as we drove along the beautiful countryside. As we neared our destination, this sign came into view, and although I'd seen it before, on other trips to this beach, I found it really impacting. They were confident and sure that if continuing along this path, there would be low portions in the road, and drivers needed to be aware that they were coming. At that moment though, I just read that the sadness I was experiencing was the tip of the iceberg, and I was going diving.
What had been making me sad was the contemplation of my future. I have mentioned that I didn't plan on being back in Trinidad at this point in my life, and I felt heartbroken to leave the home I'd made in Texas. Well, I think fresh on the wings of euphoria after only just returning from three blissful weeks in Texas with my friends and my adoptive families, a crash into the settling reality was bound to come. I just had a moment, after realising during the week that I'd need to seriously consider whether I was going to stay here for an extended period of time, or just a little stint, of feeling panicked. My worst fear is probably that I would be like everyone else. I don't want to remind anyone of someone else. If I could do anything, it would be to surprise you and talk about something that you never considered before.
A part of my hesitation for being here, honestly, has been that it was far too easy. I say "easy" and I laugh to myself because I've been crawling on the floor the last 8 months as far as coping with this transition, but it is relatively easy. I am the kind of person who chooses countries and locations that no one in my family has been to (or heard of, for that matter), I look at remote villages and cities with names I can't pronounce and I say to myself "that looks interesting!" Here though, I came back to live in my parents' house, to work at a job for which the position was never advertised, and the biggest challenge for me is sitting still. I am saying to myself there are strangers in the sub-Arctic region of Canada that I need to meet. There are people somewhere other than here that are actually mine, and I just need to meet them, like I did with my Texans.
It was important for me to understand that I could feel like this, and not be ungrateful, because one of the first following emotions after an admission like this is guilt. I understand how truly blessed my life is, how amazing my parents and my family/friends are, but I am having an internal struggle. I have been convicted since I identified this mindset, that actually, before I left Trinidad seven years ago I hadn't met everyone on the island. That, and the fact that I am not the only open-minded, weird (we prefer odd and interesting), disproportionately antsed-pantsed, globe-trotter to walk around this island, or you, that city. What I've been feeling is the very undeniable sense that there are amazing relationships to be made and people to impact wherever you find yourself. There is always a canvas and a medium, it just may not be a literal canvas and a bona fide array of oil paints (or acrylics if you prefer). I am convicted to really be strong and courageous, to believe that I am neither this weird nor this restless for no reason, but that at some point reconciliation comes between the earnest searching and the sate.
Firstly, you could not sound like everyone else for you are lovely and unique and precious to me .....There are people everywhere you look even perhaps next door but the courageous thing though challenging is to take the leap and open your mind to the possibility that even though where you are at the moment may not be where you want to be that perhaps even in that situation people can be found and relationships can be made which will be new and different but all the while still fulfilling .............Don't write off where you are because seven years ago when you were a young girl (though well above your years and mature) you didn't find anyone you are still young .........I believe that you will be blessed with the right people and you may have found many of them in your travels but many are still yet to be met and can be 'yours' HERE if not abroad......you've only just begun yur non- Academic life perhaps not at the pace that is appealing but God is still with you your struggle is not in vain God see's you just like those Avatars lol.......I've already said too much but I'll say this ...I love you and want to see you Happy whether it be where you are now or wherever your life takes you <3 E
ReplyDelete