We'll call it "More like Character"

This week I'm posting about Happiness. Before I begin, I'm sharing some lyrics with you that I really like - a little reminder that not only are there other people who feel like this, but that they come to feel hopeful again at some point. I drink in the hope that's here, and below I will add to my own mood by sharing a list of things that make me happy. As you read, I hope you will think of similarities or differences between my list, and one you might make and maybe you'd also be kind enough to share some things that make you happy with me.

Sara Groves - Less Like Scars

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

And more like Character 


I want to ask you what things make you happy? I'm going to create a list here, but this is just kind of an off of the top of my head list. I don't even think it's going to be in a proper hierarchy, it's just some things I like; a list of things and people that pretty consistently make me happy. Here goes:

1. Nerdy, funny comics & Odd and interesting people
2. Gardening
3. Joking with a serious expression on my face 
4. Cooking (while speaking in a different accent, as if I'm on the food network)
5. The Ocean & Sitting on my balcony looking at the ocean and the mountains
6. Mango chow (if you don't know what this is click here, or ask me)
7. My Best Friend
8. Inside jokes with my sister 
9. Travelling/Living in places I've never been to before
10. Laying on the floor and thinking about God

So, this is an unordered list of ten things that make me happy. I want to know about what kinds of things make other people happy, whether they share any of mine or if they have any suggestions. Some of these happy inducing things are new (like gardening & nerdy, funny comics), so I am always looking for help and discussion. 

"A lot of life"

When you consider "living your life", what kind of picture does that paint for you? I buy into the idea of the abundant life. I have been convinced that life is to be embraced since I can remember. I considered people to have a functional identity, that is, how they perform on a daily basis and the things they do to survive (like have a job, interact with other people etc.) My theory has been that people should take the time to know themselves, that knowing the person beyond the functional identity would lead that person to their own fulfilment. My idea was that if you knew what was in your heart and who you were exactly as a member of the world, then you would be in the best position to get it (and hence, live in abundance). I want to explore with you now some questions on how one lives life in abundance. Does that seem strange to you? I phrased it as A lot of life in the title because I think that paints an interesting picture. What if an abundant life was simply a lot of life happening all around and to me? What if an abundant life meant that everyday I would interact with the world in a real and honest way, that the world would reciprocate and we would both receive something, feel something. What if the abundance of living included the hurt, the unrequited loves, the failures, the received anger, the unemployment, the reprimands and the shared anguish?

I am going to be open about a few things that have been happening with me over the last seven months. I graduated in December with my Masters degree and had every intention of continuing my education come August at a PhD program back in the States. I had prayed, and thought long and hard about it and decided that what I would do in that 8 month interim between graduation and the new program was go home to my parent's house in Trinidad. This grieved me, honestly, because I just didn't feel ready to be back in Trinidad. I had a plan and it didn't include regressing into my teenage existence at 26. It also grieved me because I now had more friends outside of Trinidad than within it after 7 years. I also was dealing with the end of a very long standing and (what I thought was an) important relationship. I felt like if I left, there was definitely not going to be any chance for us, and I was right.

So, I found myself at home and facing the realities of disappointing local friendships (save a few), and then in March I learned that the funding had been cut at my PhD program of choice, so I wouldn't be going. I began to feel as though I was being led in a different direction to the one I had mapped out, and it was difficult, to say the least. I'd been on several interviews locally by this point, and was beginning to despair. I hadn't planned on staying in Trinidad, so I didn't really even have a clue about how my life would look. I didn't have any idea how to live an abundant life in the sense that I was working toward the things that I had in my heart. I felt God ushering me to stay in Trinidad, yet my whole heart was elsewhere. What happened was I got horribly depressed. I was 26, unemployed, single and living in my parents' home. This is not an abundant life I thought, and it is barely a life at all.

Fast forward to the last month or so, and I began to experience a few new and interesting things. I am an emotionally closed person. I am sure that this post has more information than the vast majority of people who know me have ever heard about how I feel, but in the last seven months I have been so consumed with emotion that I really had no choice but to express it to my loved ones. I needed support and help and care. I needed to receive from my friends and my family, I needed to be vulnerable enough to admit that I was hurting. What I found was that they responded with arms and bosoms-for-pillows and words. They said "how can I help you?" and you know, it helped me. It also gave me an education about a great deal of living. I have never felt more real than I do this year. The last twelve months have been a journey for me into discovering the untidy realities of open human interaction. I have been travelling through an education on the beautiful mess of emotional honesty. I really never knew that I had missed something in terms of how I structured my interactions with other people, but I had missed something fundamental.

There is a verse that says "The thief's purpose is to steal, and kill and destroy. [God's] purpose is to give [us] a rich and satisfying life" (John 10:10, NLT). Another version puts it this way "¹⁰ The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." (NKJV) What I found is that abundant living is not the absence of suffering, but rather the acknowledgement of all the facets of that living. I could deny the fact that I was depressed or hurting this year, I could paint a tailored, perfect picture of my life for you to read about, but I wouldn't find that cathartic, I wouldn't grow in my vulnerability or my education about love and I would deny someone else who could be hurting the opportunity to know that someone out there cares when you are upset, and they would reach out to you, if only you had the courage to experience "A lot of life" and cry, yell, scream if you have to. Abundant life to me now is the presence of everything. The fullness of a rich and satisfying life includes the acknowledgement of pain, the shedding of tears and the experience of being comforted and receiving healing. 


You are not alone, and neither am I. 

Send The Fire!

I am (sort of suddenly) involved in a major theatrical production being put on by my former church home and the church that my parents still attend. It is, as you may have guessed, entitled "Send The Fire". It is a dramatic articulation of God's promises, and the fact that sometimes, the war we wage on God's command is a simple acknowledgement that He has given us victory against our enemies. It is a reminder that, in some instances we never pick up one battleaxe, but instead believe that God will do what he said that He will do.

Honestly, the message of this play could not have come at a better time for me. For a long time I resisted (aggressively) having anything to do with this production because for the last 6-7months I have been going through some painful personal issues and I felt that I was in no position to be a part of a production put on by my former church home. The realities of transitioning from country to country to country, of sitting still long enough to feel the loss of things that I desire, but do not have, was almost literally tearing me apart inside.

I joined the production cast late into rehearsals (about three weeks ago) because my mother, the stage manager, really needed some additional hands on deck. Little did I know I would become an actual cast member with vocal scenes in the play. Now, what's interesting is that my parts in the play are not extraordinary, to say the least. I'm not even on the side that the audience is rooting for, and <SPOILER> I die before the end. My presence, to someone watching in the audience might be rather inconsequential, but to me, as I lay on the floor (dead) and I sit in the wings of stage left, I find myself strengthened by the dances of hope and anguished worship, I find myself utterly inspired by the creativity of the playwrite and the director and most importantly, completely floored by how awesome, relevant and present God is.

Anoint my head anoint my feet

Send your angels raining down

Here on the battle ground

For your glory

We're taking territory

Fighting unseen enemies

Like never before

We're Waging War

(Bridge)

I’m tired of principalities

Messing with me

(Waging war)

I’m tired of the devil

Stealing from me

(Waging war)

I promise he won’t get

One more thing

(Waging war)

I’m taking it back

Taking territory

(Waging war)

I’m ready for the battle

I’m ready to win

(Waging war)

My weapon of power

He lives within

(Waging war)

I cant be defeated

The enemy's gotta flee

(waging war)

I’m taking it back

Taking territory

Going into battle

Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com 

Going into battle

Going into battle

Be my sword

Be my shield

As we claim the victory

Over the enemy

In your name

You rule and reign

Never being defeated

Anymore

We're waging war

(Go back to bridge)

(Bridge 2)

Fire by night

Cloud by day

A strong tower

Send the latter rain

Lion of Judah

Lord, God,

Mighty In battle

Since you did

It back then

We know you’ll do

It again

Send the Fire! Send the Fire! Waging War!

I want to be able to articulate to you what I see going on every day at rehearsals, but I can not really do it justice. What I can say is that I have witnessed a sense of community and togetherness that is so natural, yet so uncommon that it just moves me. I had major hesitations about even volunteering to help backstage and now, I am in the play and I am so very excited to see what else God is going to do through this production. We have worked hard, people have agreed to fast in the next few days, as the production is on Saturday and Sunday next week, and I just thought I'd take a minute to tell anyone who wondered and anyone who didn't know they needed to know, that this play will touch lives, and has already, including mine.

Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream!

What is the biggest dream you've had? Do you make dreams a focal point of your life planning? This weekend, I heard an anthropologist speak about our western mindsets, with several marketing strategies which target the dreaming nature of people. I began to wonder if dreaming wasn't a necessary energy - an adaptive internal propeller that took people forward in the hopes of good things.

http://xkcd.com/240/

Differentiating between fantasy and dreaming

There is, in my mind an important distinction between things that a person fancies him or herself having, regardless of there being any basis in reality for the outcome and things that a person dreams up as foci for their life. Why is this important? I think that both fantasy and dreaming are important as independent self-aids for people, but I think that perhaps we could, as people, allow a little more of each in our lives.

I am a compulsive planner by nature. I have been known to make a comprehensive ten year plan when it comes to education, geography and relational position. This is a more historical trait than a current one (we hope), mostly because I took it to a compulsive place. I could become overly rigid in my planning and take on a life frame of performance rather than the kind of organic functioning where beautiful and perfect mistakes are possible. This is a lesson I am still learning, but there is some benefit to the other side of this behaviour. My 10 year plan with all its perfectly orchestrated segues and pauses represented, in a very clinical way, my dreaming. I dreamt of a different experience and an education and I proceeded with the steps of my plan that took me to England. Eventually, I walked the years off of my plan and was arranging to move to Texas, adding new goals and years on the other side of the plan. If I followed the steps then year after year I'd walk closer to my dream job, my dream husband, my dream home and then my dream family unit.

My question became this - what about my steps? I had enough insight into my compulsion to know that I was having to sift through the planning, which admittedly excited me (just think of it - efficient, seamless transitions from undergrad to grad and then the job? From "focusing on my career right now" to "married" in the span of five years?), to find and label the dreams. Is it the gradschool I get in to this year or is it the tenured faculty position I get at my first choice University in ten years, or is it the papers I publish with internationally renowned researchers, the books I write, the critic acclamations I receive for my award-winning blog that are my dreams? Is it any of those things? I found the idea, in a moment of hyper-analysis, to be tiresome. It meant that nothing was ever really achieved that would satisfy. If a dream is the most desirable outcome, the ideal, then shouldn't it be enough?

This is the point where I understood two things. The first thing was this - without the little dreams, I would be unable to power through my life. I like to create structure in my flexible world - I don't like a rigid world, but one where I can impose my own personal rigidity. A prison becomes a house when you hold the keys and choose who will have free entry and exit. When I wake up in the morning I can say that today I am working toward things X,Y & Z; I am dreaming when I create a new target for myself and it is another reason to get out of bed. This, for me, takes care of the futility because where I initially asked what was the point if you never stop dreaming, I came to understand that each new goal is a propeller to life. The pursuit of dreams became functional even as it maintained its abstract frame. The second thing was in that other practice - that of fantasising. This is not the most natural thing for me. On the personality inventory NEO-PI-R, my score on fantasy was 0 and my friends laughed endlessly about this. When asked to relate a fantasy of mine in a psychological exercise I was doing once, the leading psychologist told me he'd like to work individually with me, because my fantasy was just so bad.

I can laugh about this now because I believe that over the years I have understood an important fact. Another reason why it is ok that people will spend their whole life dreaming, receiving or not receiving and re-dreaming is because of two things. The first thing is that fantasy is our instant gratification - today I can think about what it would be like to shape the minds of hundreds of students over a year; what it would be like to revolutionise Trinidadian corporate structure; what my children will look like, or my first home. In a world where you and I have to work hard every day to get closer to the little goals that will soon become achieved and forgotten, fantasy is the relief. There is no prerequisite of practicality in fantasy, you may begin with the most outlandish, physically difficult and abstract scenario and extrapolate endlessly to your heart's content. There's a bible quote that says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life". I like this because it introduces my little theory, that the fantasy is an important tool for us humans. As we toil through our lives we should take a minute not only to dream up a plan, but also to fantasise about what we might want to even dream about. Not everything that we plan for, that we set ourselves up to have in life will come to fruition, and this can be painful, especially when we consider our own investment in the dreaming.

The good news is that fantasy is our means back into hope. I am not talking about anything too complicated or grossly abstract, but just simply the introduction of "Would it make me happy if...?" type questions. How often do you ask yourself "If I had all the money in the world and a global passport, where would I go and what would I do?" If you can take the time to consider what would make you happy, even delving into the impossible briefly, often times you can harvest something real and pursuit-worthy. So, I guess my system would look something like this if I had one:

Fantasy > Dream > Function = LIFE

Fantasy is greater than dream because fantasy is not limited to include only absolute truths - not even about what the fantasising party truly wants, but is rather, an avenue of escapism where they might see their longing fulfilled today. It is also bigger than dream because it may be the fantasiser's first encounter with their desire for a particular pursuit. The dream is greater than function because all things hoped for are not necessarily attained. Function is applied dreaming. The dream is the area where the person takes ownership of their goals and says "this is what I want, what I'm hoping for" and concentrates that in their functioning. I think that life can be reduced to the least value on the left of the equal sign because it is the easiest thing to do; simply function. Orders are distributed from one's dreaming or the dreams of someone else.

I think it takes a great amount of courage to pursue one's dreams that might fail and it takes an extraordinary person to allow the vulnerability of fantasy where he or she must explore a new idea and a completely novel environment where the product is their sole responsibility. It is probably true that without dreams, there would be nothing to fail at, but I believe that if you do not create your own dreams that you function under the dreams derived from someone else's fantasy. Personally, I'd like to know that I run through the veins of everything I set out to do in life, that when I see the products of my hand, I see the dreams behind them, and I know that they are in fact, mine.