I Am A Mill

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I think of myself as a Mill

I can make many things

The point is never to take what's given

At the end of the day, to show I've striven

When I've been given a broken heart

When I cannot contain the joy of art

When faced with sadness I cannot fight

When my face is shining in pure delight

These are the times my mill is on

I churn my gears and produce song

These are the days when I call for purpose

My cogs must work for You, they must

The point is never to take what's given, and leave it so.

The point is never to say "I was afraid, so I did not go."

Whether gushing waters come or a trickle, 

Let it never be said that I was fickle.

Though fear may come, or hope or sadness

My desire is to persist through all madness.

I am a Mill, not a monument.

I am made to churn and I must.

For My Purple Breeze

I close my eyes to see you better
Cruelty it is, to read our letters
Anyone can call this impossible
No one else really knows the chronicle
Now, our only contact is silence
Even so, how very strong your presence!
Veins of mine transport you through me
Every moment of life brings me more beauty
Remembering your face, the notes of your voice
Forever I have these, even if no choice
Overcome with sadness and irrevocable joy
Releasing you forever without clever ploy
Go now my love, I will see you still
Even if only by painting and poetry, I will
Thank you, too frail a term to function
You must close your eyes and listen for my heart, sung.
Our moments go on forever,
Under-acknowledged but tremendous.

I Wish You Love

Bounty's Wings

My grief has wings, wings and a hood.
Sometimes, it slips over my eyes.
When water falls under it, no one sees.
Grief could be me, could be me.

I scream a question into an empty cave,
No one is there, there is no answer.
Sometimes, I sit by the water, and time floats by.
Other times, the water floods and I am so cold.

When you have wings, it's easy to fly away.
It's so easy to fly from here.
Look at my eyes, look closely.
They haven't moved, remember.

Grief from my action stays with me, it's mine.
Grief from another flies on its own, harassing.
This grief I must bargain and plead with,
To come down, to leave me alone.

I mean to churn it into something new,
But how can I when it flies and I think of you?
I mean to take it in and exhale it as wisdom,
But when I see it fly, I am overcome.

My grief has wings, wings and a hood.
How can you walk forward when all you see is behind you?
Message sent but not received.
What on earth will convince me?

There is Nothing Sinful About Nakedness

I am sitting alone in my room and struggling through some personal issues. As I lay here, I thought about Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden as they hid from God after eating of the fruit of the Tree of good and evil.

The Man and Woman Sin

1The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the LORD God had made. One day he asked the woman, “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?”

2“Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied. 3“It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’”

4“You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. 5“God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.”

6The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. 7At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves.

8When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man^a and his wife heard the LORD God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the LORD God among the trees. 9Then the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”

10He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.”

11“Who told you that you were naked?” the LORD God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?”

I was reflecting on this story again, and what I came to is that it isn't a story about a man and a woman eating apples in a perfect garden, it is a story about naive people coming to understanding about the potential to do wrong, or to make a mistake. The serpent was right that their eyes would be opened, but he left out a crucial detail. There is such as thing as the burden of knowledge. While God's Holiness is untouchable and without tarnish, the naivete that God created us with is heavily burdened by the potential for sin. God cannot be tarnished by the Knowledge of Good and Evil, but humans seem to burn with lust for it the minute we know it to be a possibility. 

I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked. 

Isn't that just the way we go? 

Relentless Pursuit

                                                  "Relentless Pursuit"
                                                            (Kim Walker & Skyler Smith)

You can have all of me
You can have every part of me

And I, I am released to run after you, oh
And I, I am released to run after you

It's a relentless pursuit, relentless pursuit
I will not stop chasing after you
It's a relentless pursuit, a passion in pursuit
I will not stop chasing after you

I won't hold anything from you
Every part of me I've surrendered to you

And I am not afraid to run after you, oh
To run with all my strength, run into you

It's a relentless pursuit, relentless pursuit
I will not stop chasing after you
It's a relentless pursuit, a passion in pursuit
I will not stop chasing after you the love of my life

Oh you the love of my life
Oh it's you, you, you, you, you
Of my life

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I'm hopelessly crazy in love for you,you,you,you
You've taken the keys and you've opened up all of me
And now I'm running, I'm running after you
The love of my life
Oh you the love of my life

It's a relentless pursuit, relentless pursuit
I will not stop chasing after you
It's a relentless pursuit, a passion in pursuit
I will not stop chasing after you

Christmas Lights

So, Christmas has come and gone in the Carter home, and it was a season like many other Christmases before it - full of family, bustle, tugging and pulling and most importantly, love. Right now I'm alone and in recovery from the festivities, with a lot on my mind. If you know me, you know that I often do a "Year in review," as a tradition around this time, or early in the start of a new year. Today, I'm feeling reflective, and very aware of all the things I've not been aware of through the recent years. This isn't a recounting of the individual events of my 2014, but more a reflection of my feelings in this moment, having experienced everything that I have this year.

John Newton (1725-1807)

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.

And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home. 

The Lord has promised good to me.

His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall profess, within the vail,
A life of joy and peace.

My feelings in this moment are that God is gracious, and that in my very best moments, I am uninformed. There are many things that I wrestle with, and that wrestle with me but 2014 has been a year full of the most spectacular silences, the most meaningful distress and the most heart-wrenching disputes. This is life, and it is happening right now. I'm reflecting on the lyrics of Amazing Grace because of how popular a song it is, yet so seldom do I consider the lyrics line by line.

"The Lord has promised good to me, His word my hope secures" What conviction! What a reminder! One day, perhaps I will be brave enough to relate my experiences in detail, but for now let me say this truth. This year has seen me the most weary of all the Christianity being pummeled into people's existence - it's not God I've had problems with, but the church. I can't even say how often I've attended services this year, and no I'm not proud of that fact. I just have been going through some personal struggles that I could not trust the church to handle with care. Having said that, that's me relating an individual feeling about the church, it's not me saying "Hey everyone, I have a great idea! Let's all boycott church!"

What's been going on with me is that I needed to hear God more clearly and more loudly than I heard other people and their own personal opinions. It is the nature of people to become convinced by a passionate speaker, but it is really damaging in my opinion when people speak so certainly about things they don't have enough information to be convicted about. In my quiet time this year, in my looking around and in my silent contemplation I've seen myself moving and growing in ways that hold a lot of meaning for me. My revelations for the year have been simple, but really captivating for me. I'll share some here with you:

1.) One foot in front of the other. I started saying this to clients several years ago and found it especially helpful for clients experiencing anxiety. It can be overwhelming to attempt EVERYTHING all at once or even to think about everything in a single thought, but we all go down that road at some point. The end result is that either we pick up our heels and run from experiences that frighten us, or we simply fail to act. This year, I've started giving myself this reminder and I find it to be an excellent way to show myself some compassion. Sometimes, the small mercies we offer others, we refuse to allow ourselves. This brings me to:

2.) I deserve compassion also. I put a lot of pressure on myself generally, but this year was especially full of high stakes decisions and life choices for me. It was high pressure, and I had many ups and downs. After a particularly difficult "down," I realised that I wasn't giving myself any grace - there was no room for me to make a mistake or to have an off day, and I would NEVER treat a client or family member/loved one that way. Why treat myself so harshly? In the past, its worked for me to just ride myself until I completed everything plus two sweaters, but I actually saw this year what happens when you ride yourself into the ground and you fail at something. At some point you will have a physical, cognitive or emotional revolt where things will not work out in your favour by you simply pushing through every warning sign that you need to slow down. By the middle of the year, since I like keeping lists of what I'd like to accomplish, I started putting how I felt about myself at the top of my list. It has kept me accountable in the latter part of the year, and reminded me to consider myself in everything that I was doing. Do I need more exercise? Am I getting enough sleep? Am I having enough fun? This is not me saying that I'm perfect at this, this is me sharing what I am paying attention to working on in my own life.

3.) I mentioned it earlier, but it is definitely its own point: Life is happening right now. There are many a blog post here about my tendency to live in the future, and this year has seen me transition from constant horizon scanning to looking around in my most immediate space. I have been able to enjoy my moments, and also to be relieved of this fear that my worst moment will last forever. When you transition from constantly looking for the next thing to living in today, you realise more that you aren't guaranteed a tomorrow, therefore this is what you have - right here and right now. There's a huge difference between being hopeful for things and living for the future. One means that you're building on the life you have, and the other means that you're banking on the future in order to live. What happens to today? What happens to those relationships that will never have tomorrow? What happens if you don't make it to your next big thing?

4.) I need GRACE. I think that Newton's words sum this up best:

"T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home. " 

In terms of me receiving grace, I am truly humbled when I consider God's grace towards me. This is what I think the lyrics express so well. There is also the grace that I must offer myself. As people, it seems that one thing we struggle chronically with is a failure to forgive ourselves, to allow room for error and to allow room for the growth we are yet to have. I consider the last two lines of the quoted stanza and I am encouraged afresh to offer myself the safety to move forward, and to find my way home.