Glue Ear (otitis media with effusion)

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The first time I heard of glue ear, I was in my second year of undergrad in London, England. The Educational Psychologist who was presenting some case studies to us marketed this condition as "a little girl who simply didn't hear while she was at school." I thought, "well that's strange" but I assumed that glue ear was the name given to a condition where (mostly) children became selectively hearing impaired. That wasn't entirely accurate - actually instead of just not hearing certain things of their choosing, glue ear or otitis media with effusion is a condition where the middle ear fills up with fluid and the person (usually a child) suffers temporary hearing loss. I liked the first definition I had wrongly perceived from my lecturer at university, because I think that we all suffer with a little otitis media with effusion at some point in our lives.

I relate to the bear in the comic above, because sometimes I just feel as though I'm fading into a mindless routine, and I hate the idea of sameness. I feel like occasionally, our emotions fill up with the fluid of routine, and we can no longer hear our own hearts. Bear with me as I wax philosophical, but what if the thing that made us miserable was that we couldn't hear ourselves any more?

There are hundreds of papers and research articles that talk about the disconnection and over-stimulation that is our social media existence, several of which will tell us that both disengagement and over-engagement are potentially risky in terms of your individual social development. The fact that everything and everyone is at the tip of our fingers, and that it can produce a kind of paralysis (sensory overload) is not a new concept. I am not going to go over what many have already said, but I will ask you what you gather on a daily basis from your plugs into the world around you?

Before I say anything else, I want to admit something to you all. When I started writing this post, the existential bear laying on the forest floor thinking about life was me. I was feeling a little low, I was questioning my place in the world, and kind of spiralling. This happens to many of us. What I would like to suggest is that emotional glue ear (glue heart, perhaps?) is like those moments where you just can't seem to feel right, you just can't seem to see what is right in front of you and appreciate what you have now.

I've decided that today, I'm not going to have much to say other than if you have a little glue heart going on, I want you to know that you are ABSOLUTELY NOT alone,  and because it rarely is helpful for someone to say "look at all the good things in your life!!" I'm going to say that I see good in you. We all need a little encouragement sometimes, and that's okay to admit. Maybe I know you, and maybe I don't, but I STILL see good in you. God sees good in me, and I feel it. My loved ones see good in me, and I feel it. I believe that you exist because there is good in you. I see good in this world, and I want to show it to you.

That's all.

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When "He's" Been Gone 40 Days & 40 Nights

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Recently, I've been trying to be happy. I have been actively pursuing peace, love, joy and thanksgiving, in order to experience contentment and satisfaction in the life I currently lead. In this pursuit, I've come face to face with a kind of shocking reality about the way I have been pursuing things in my life. The story of Israelites in their exodus from Egypt came to mind when I thought of the things I don't yet have. I became really interested in the part of this story where Moses had been gone for forty days and forty nights. Apparently, Moses climbed Mount Sinai to talk to God and get direction, but the Israelites became anxious about their future when Moses took a long time to return. They asked Aaron, who had been left in charge to "create" them an image of God who had delivered them from Egypt, so that they could see and worship it. Aaron refused to create an image of the God of Israel, but eventually succumbed to pressure and fashioned a golden calf for the people of Israel. The Israelites made sacrifices to the idols and celebrated, and this made God irate, and He vowed to destroy the people of Israel, creating a new nation from Moses, but Moses pleaded with God to have mercy on the people.

I relate to the Israelites in this story, even though I'm not supposed to say that.

I could just say "CAN you believe those STUPID Israelites? They SAW all of those physical miracles performed by God, and still thought it would be worth worshipping idols because God and Moses were taking too long," but actually, I do the same thing on a regular basis. Maybe I don't actually melt my gold and worship it, but I definitely, definitely do get tired of waiting, and try to come up with an alternative that'll satisfy me.

How do we keep the sacred sacred when nothing is sacred any more?

I get the behaviour of the Israelites because our world is kind of like theirs in the dessert. Even when you are a praying and active person of faith, even when you've seen God do miracles in your life, you're still in a dessert day after day, and you get to the place where you wonder if those miracles really happened, or whether you just made them up. The miracles that God performs in our lives are sources of encouragement, and they usher us into the place, I believe, that God has for us. If you don't believe any of that, I hope you'll leave a comment or message and tell us what you think. What I think is that this is a concession that humans are not really built to believe things forever when they've only experienced them once, or when they haven't experienced them in a really long time.

If you think about it, how many relationships are really good for you that you haven't invested anything in for months or years? Some of us are thinking of that one friend we haven't spoken to in the longest time who we just fall right back into place with, but I'm talking about not an email, a phone call, a visit or a letter, in YEARS. Even if you smile fondly with that person when you do see them, the fact is your relationship isn't the kind where you know what's going on with the other day to day, and you didn't call them for help for that whole time you didn't speak, so your relationship is on a certain level and doesn't get any deeper.

Today at church the guest speaker preached from Psalm 23, and I found myself fixating on the line "My cup runneth over." Did you ever wonder why it didn't just say "my cup is always full?" I know that there's just a little symbolism in there where they're saying that what God provides exceeds what we can even contain, but what if our cups have to run over because the minute we drank what was in our cup we'd forget that it was ever full? I feel like the latter is probably the case, and because of that, it stands to reason in my mind that in order for me to not build millions of little golden calves that are depressingly inadequate to the real thing, I have to have access to my cup, and know that on my own, it is empty.

I think what happened with the Israelites is that they did a halfway job of assessing their situation (much like I do). They looked around at their dessert home, they noted the fact that their human leader, appointed by God, had been missing for more than a month and they started looking around for what they did have, and realised that they had two hands and all these earthly possessions, and surely that was enough to be satisfied by a god. What they didn't acknowledge was that their cup was empty, and it REALLY hurt, because they knew they couldn't fill it. This week, that is the point I've come to. This week, I have come to understand that my cup (me, as a stand-alone individual), is empty, and nothing I own, that I put in it will fill it. I have come to believe that God will fill my cup to overflowing, but in order for that to happen, I have to drink what He has poured, and I have to reposition it to where God is pouring.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that God doesn't meet us where we are, I'm just saying that I think you have to outstretch your cup-bearing hand and say "Fill me up, Lord!" I think God is ever ready to fill our cups, but we are too busy filling our own cups with things that we think will satisfy us. I think that what God is pouring is so plentiful, it has the potential to overflow our cups, if we would just stay still long enough for that to happen. I think that most of us get a full cup or half a cup, or a third of a cup and we walk away from God, using it all up quickly and then we wonder why everything sucks quite so badly when we fill our cups with TV or Facebook venting or career pursuit. So, my challenge for the week is to ask what things are filling your cup right now, and what areas of your life do you think you need to outstretch to God?

What if We Get Old?

Do you dream often? I think about dreams all the time. I always want to know what this life means and one of the ways that I find meaning in it is by searching for some kind of connection between the world and those dreams that I find deep inside myself. Something I've noticed about people is that we tend to fear growing old, and I think it's because we worry that we won't be able to do those things we've secretly dreamed about. As a child and a teenager, I noticed the slight reverence older people held in their voice for "young people." I'd hear them say "...the good thing is you're still young." or "Well, you're still young..." and I always wondered about that. Now, as my 30th birthday becomes a date within the next few years, I suddenly get it a bit more.

Just like those people, suddenly I look at 18 year olds and I think of myself at that age, with a slight envy because you can do anything then - you can be anything. Then, I realise that the world we live in now, more than ever, allows us to be "18" forever. Because of most social structures, we tend to forget that there are more opportunities now than ever before. Because there is a well defined and understood pattern to development, most people assume that they have to follow it. We all go to school, most people now get degrees, you get a job, have a family, you work and become soccer moms or coach dads and then you become empty nesters and have mid-life crises because your life's meaning surrounded your children and you've realised you don't have a relationship with yourself or your partner without them and you don't know what to do, you reconcile it somehow, you retire, then you think about everything you wished you did "when you were young." Of course, that's just one clichéd existence, and there are many alternatives, but my point is that we all tend to see a trajectory similar to this one, and when we've reached any one of these stages, we assume that we've missed the boat on stages prior.

What if life is no longer linear, and never really was?

I'll start with myself here: one of the very fundamental fears that made me dread moving back to Trinidad from Texas was the idea that I would get sucked into a routine, that I would join a tread mill life and get stuck on it until I was old, and that I'd wake up forty years from now thinking that my life looks just like everyone else's. It took more than a year for me to begin to grasp that I have control over that "looking like everyone else" thing. The liberation for me is in the idea that my dreams are NO ONE else's exactly, and what I do well, and who I am is not the same as anyone else. If I aim to survive life, then I am more likely to look like everyone else, because all I'll be doing is "trying to get by," I'll be just "doing what I need to do" to make a living and "make it." But, if I realise that I am the dream then I also must realise that I am the thing that makes the routine change.

Getting old to me is not inevitable. Getting grey and aging is, but becoming "too old to..." is really up to me. Yes, for women there is a biological limit to her childbearing years, and there are physical limits for both men and women, but consider every other end to the statement "too old to..."  and see what you come up with. Last year, I wrote the post A New Thing, where I talked about the fatigue we all experience when everything is the same, and cripplingly predictable. Here's an excerpt:

The challenge then, is to make sure that you implement a new thing in your life, as often as you can. My dad likes to say that if you weren't alive, the world wouldn't exist. I like this, because it puts a really interesting perspective on your life. Everything you see and experience is coloured by you. You are heavily imprinted on all your impressions of the world.

So, this year I'm adding to this challenge by calling you (your heart, your dreams) the NEW thing. You can either become old - i.e. stop dreaming, and fall helplessly into the gap, OR you can search forever more for the things that surprise and excite you on a daily basis.

I choose new.

Yet

Excited are my eyes, to witness, to witness,
The view from the perch of my own purpose.
Tell me, dear Father,
What I am yet to discover
In me, in me, in me.

A life un-lived is a tragedy,
A dream un-dreamt is inside of me.
Tell me, dear Father,
What I am yet to discover
In me, in me, in me.

Do I see me clearly?
What is in a name?
Tell me, dear Father,
What I am yet to discover
In me, in me, in me.

Wading deeply am I,
In what I was handed,
Tell me, dear Father,
What I am yet to discover
In me, in me, in me.

With arms poised, and stance erect
I look into it all, I am direct:
Tell me, dear Father,
What I am yet to discover
In me, in me, in me.

Yes, excited are my eyes to witness, to witness,
The view from the perch of my own purpose.
Tell me, dear Father,
What I am yet to discover
In me, in me, in me.

MINE! (On Being Honest & Happier)

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Today I'm thinking about the way most people go through life - being told what they get, and who they are. Did you ever notice how people who go against the grain are ALWAYS known for it? There is this sense of awe and sometimes discomfort that people feel when looking at the individuals who don't fit in because they dare to be different. I've been chewing on the idea of pursuing your dreams for a long time now, and the last few entries at Rantings have been about how you walk towards your dreams, and the labels or pledges that inform your journey. I've spent the most amount of time that I ever have in my life within the last two years thinking about what I want. Now, that sounds pretty egocentric, and in some ways, it just is, but I see so many clients who are literally struggling through life because they don't know the answer to this question. What do you WANT? What do you consider a.) YOURS and b.) to be Your Dream? How much time have you seriously considered this? How much time have you invested in pursuing those things?

This is only egocentric because you are in fact focusing on yourself, but it isn't selfish because you are actually a more pleasant person to be around when you are satisfied and actualised. I also assume that a part of most people's desire is to be a better mother/father/son/daughter/neighbour/friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. Focusing on yourself is not by any means a bad thing if your motivation for focusing there is to be a better human being. Well adjusted human beings tend to be more inclusive, more loving, more present and more involved in the lives of their loved ones and community.

How do you become "well adjusted?" My theory begins with honesty. One of the major causes of people's emotional problems is an inability to face what has happened, what will happen, and a great, crippling fear of what might happen. Therapists have jobs because most people don't naturally pursue the unknown, and that's because it is VERY frightening to go there. As therapists, our job is to take people into the scary unknown in a safe and supportive environment - without judgement or criticism. This leads me to the challenge that everyone can do with a little therapy - whether you go to someone or you face your scary fears on your own, the fact is you'll improve the quality of your life by being honest with yourself in all things. You can't really hide from how you feel, anyway. You can bury your feelings, but they will still find a way to manifest. This way, you'll have the upper hand, because when they do, you won't be surprised or crippled by them.

Another benefit to honesty is that you'll actually know what you want and what you don't. Having clear pictures and boundaries is an excellent way to walk through life, because you'll be sending people clearer messages and you'll also feel more focused and purposeful. Honesty doesn't mean saying everything you think and feel to everyone, but it does mean KNOWING how you think and feel, and sorting through what that means for you in your life right now. This brings me to the title point. When you see the word "Mine," what do you think of? What would you like to be yours? What do you consider yours right now?

My challenge for you this week is to go start being more honest with yourself. One of the easiest ways to start this is to keep a journal. You don't have to love writing to do this, and you don't need to write riveting prose. Why not start with a short list - something like "What I liked about today" or "If I could do five things in life they would be..." and just answer your list title with 3 to 5 items. Try it for a week and tell us how it goes!

What we Pledge

Above are the pledges of three countries that I consider home, in the order in which I've lived there. Today, I'm thinking about what personal pledges we choose. Most people don't consciously follow a pledge per se, but if you thought about it, you could probably come up with some beliefs (in therapy we call them your core beliefs) that you are using to inform your life. What are yours? 

God is not a Genie

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This week, I've been thinking about the way we go through life. As far as I've seen it, there are two main types of people. There are the people who encounter life - they see what happens everyday and don't think that anything is set in stone; they don't spend loads of time thinking about what a series of events means, they just live life. Then, you have the Mes of the world - people who think EVERYTHING is rich and pungent with meaning and the very experience of existence is both incredibly rewarding, and an immense burden of thought.

If you believe in God and especially if you come from a Christian persuasion, you would have had several encounters with the concept of "Having faith," or "Ask God..." doctrine. I myself am no stranger to the "What does God have for me in my life" question. I am an individual as far as my belief in and relationship with God, but I am not quite so independent within that relationship. With God, I don't exert independence as a priority like I do in other relationships, and lately I've been wondering whether there was something to think about in that.

I've referred to the story of the talents before, because it is definitely one that I use to inform the way I navigate life, but I was exploring the idea that there is more to it than I originally gave it credit for. So for the types of people who "see what happens" in life, they're more fun loving, more spontaneous and less angsty and existential, but they are also more likely to not think about the impact they make and the legacy they're leaving on the world. The existentialists of the world might be more focused on intentional living (creating some meaning for themselves), but are consumed with the "what" questions, and they can become depressed by the futility that does come with our humanity.

I was thinking about what happened here this weekend and what happened in my life in the last two years, and I am believing more and more that God holds us to that talents story with every aspect of our lives. Consider the following verse of scripture, telling us how to find peace:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:6-7)

I saw a different side of this really well known scripture in the last few weeks. I realised that you can't ask God for something, unless you know what it is. I see a lot of clients who are trying to figure something big out. They are in therapy because they know they have a behaviour that doesn't demonstrate their best self, but they need help in bringing to the surface what made them do the behaviour in the first place. Lately I've been meditating on the above scripture, and I have come to believe that there are several responsibilities given in the message.

1.): Don't set up shop in your worries
I think there is quite a functional instruction in there - sometimes the very idea of being this upset is upsetting, and we fret over the immensity of our feelings. I think "Be anxious for nothing" doesn't mean that anxiety is not of God, I think it means that you shouldn't stop there. If you encounter yourself as anxious about something, then this scripture reminds us not to take ownership of it. The way I see that working is addressed in the next stage of the responsibility:

2.) Understand yourself.
"Present your requests to God." I see something really important in this suggestion - you can either assume that God is a genie, and you have countless wishes, in which case you can ask God "MAKE ME HAPPY!" or "TAKE ALL MY PROBLEMS AWAY, NOW GOD!" or you can assume that this means there is a certain level of responsibility involved in what you feel. If you're anxious about something, do you know precisely what it is, and why it makes you anxious? This may seem basic, but most of us don't immediately know this, but have to take some introspection time to figure it out (or go to therapy).

3.) Add God. 
I think that God doesn't necessarily separate us from our dreams, but I do think that God wants us to pursue the dreams He's given us through Him. I do believe that there are sinister paths just like there are virtuous ones, and even the pursuit of our dreams can become sinister if we do so solely for the purpose of our own happiness. "But in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I think this passage is saying that God should be a fundamental part of everything we do. God is the ultimate therapist - you can release your expectations, your anxiety, your disappointment and your unmet hopes to God. If after an introspective look at yourself you need to vent, God is The unbiased, all knowing listener. Also, if you thank God for what He has blessed you with, you improve the quality of your existence. There are many studies that support this, counting one's blessings is a known effector of how a person feels day to day.

4.) Accept Peace.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Here is where I see FREEDOM. This is an excellent parallel to therapy, in a much greater scale. One of the liberating things about psychotherapy is that you get to tell a non-judgemental,  unbiased individual who is there to give you unconditional positive regard, the deepest, most troubling truths and fears you have about yourself. Instead of having to walk around with the burden of your secret thoughts, you get to release them. You have an opportunity to look at yourself in a space where no one will use it against you, but might even offer an insight or perspective that helps you move forward. I think God offers this in a way that transcends anything a therapist can do, because unlike your therapist, God fully understands your heart and the desires within it.

I see freedom in this behaviour pattern because nothing seems to tie people up in knots more than unvoiced fears and unmet expectations. Nothing seems to cause more anxiety than an unknown consequence to our secret thoughts. Imagine living in a world where you can admit to your private fears, look directly at them with a trusted Other (as scared as you are to be truly seen) and find yourself not only loved, but protected in a peace that promises to guard your heart and mind. That is a lot more involved and gritty than making a wish of your personal genie, but it means then that you are a true part of what happens in your life. It means that you have a real opportunity to learn and grow from every piece of your private baggage.