Yet

Excited are my eyes, to witness, to witness,
The view from the perch of my own purpose.
Tell me, dear Father,
What I am yet to discover
In me, in me, in me.

A life un-lived is a tragedy,
A dream un-dreamt is inside of me.
Tell me, dear Father,
What I am yet to discover
In me, in me, in me.

Do I see me clearly?
What is in a name?
Tell me, dear Father,
What I am yet to discover
In me, in me, in me.

Wading deeply am I,
In what I was handed,
Tell me, dear Father,
What I am yet to discover
In me, in me, in me.

With arms poised, and stance erect
I look into it all, I am direct:
Tell me, dear Father,
What I am yet to discover
In me, in me, in me.

Yes, excited are my eyes to witness, to witness,
The view from the perch of my own purpose.
Tell me, dear Father,
What I am yet to discover
In me, in me, in me.

MINE! (On Being Honest & Happier)

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Today I'm thinking about the way most people go through life - being told what they get, and who they are. Did you ever notice how people who go against the grain are ALWAYS known for it? There is this sense of awe and sometimes discomfort that people feel when looking at the individuals who don't fit in because they dare to be different. I've been chewing on the idea of pursuing your dreams for a long time now, and the last few entries at Rantings have been about how you walk towards your dreams, and the labels or pledges that inform your journey. I've spent the most amount of time that I ever have in my life within the last two years thinking about what I want. Now, that sounds pretty egocentric, and in some ways, it just is, but I see so many clients who are literally struggling through life because they don't know the answer to this question. What do you WANT? What do you consider a.) YOURS and b.) to be Your Dream? How much time have you seriously considered this? How much time have you invested in pursuing those things?

This is only egocentric because you are in fact focusing on yourself, but it isn't selfish because you are actually a more pleasant person to be around when you are satisfied and actualised. I also assume that a part of most people's desire is to be a better mother/father/son/daughter/neighbour/friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. Focusing on yourself is not by any means a bad thing if your motivation for focusing there is to be a better human being. Well adjusted human beings tend to be more inclusive, more loving, more present and more involved in the lives of their loved ones and community.

How do you become "well adjusted?" My theory begins with honesty. One of the major causes of people's emotional problems is an inability to face what has happened, what will happen, and a great, crippling fear of what might happen. Therapists have jobs because most people don't naturally pursue the unknown, and that's because it is VERY frightening to go there. As therapists, our job is to take people into the scary unknown in a safe and supportive environment - without judgement or criticism. This leads me to the challenge that everyone can do with a little therapy - whether you go to someone or you face your scary fears on your own, the fact is you'll improve the quality of your life by being honest with yourself in all things. You can't really hide from how you feel, anyway. You can bury your feelings, but they will still find a way to manifest. This way, you'll have the upper hand, because when they do, you won't be surprised or crippled by them.

Another benefit to honesty is that you'll actually know what you want and what you don't. Having clear pictures and boundaries is an excellent way to walk through life, because you'll be sending people clearer messages and you'll also feel more focused and purposeful. Honesty doesn't mean saying everything you think and feel to everyone, but it does mean KNOWING how you think and feel, and sorting through what that means for you in your life right now. This brings me to the title point. When you see the word "Mine," what do you think of? What would you like to be yours? What do you consider yours right now?

My challenge for you this week is to go start being more honest with yourself. One of the easiest ways to start this is to keep a journal. You don't have to love writing to do this, and you don't need to write riveting prose. Why not start with a short list - something like "What I liked about today" or "If I could do five things in life they would be..." and just answer your list title with 3 to 5 items. Try it for a week and tell us how it goes!

What we Pledge

Above are the pledges of three countries that I consider home, in the order in which I've lived there. Today, I'm thinking about what personal pledges we choose. Most people don't consciously follow a pledge per se, but if you thought about it, you could probably come up with some beliefs (in therapy we call them your core beliefs) that you are using to inform your life. What are yours? 

God is not a Genie

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This week, I've been thinking about the way we go through life. As far as I've seen it, there are two main types of people. There are the people who encounter life - they see what happens everyday and don't think that anything is set in stone; they don't spend loads of time thinking about what a series of events means, they just live life. Then, you have the Mes of the world - people who think EVERYTHING is rich and pungent with meaning and the very experience of existence is both incredibly rewarding, and an immense burden of thought.

If you believe in God and especially if you come from a Christian persuasion, you would have had several encounters with the concept of "Having faith," or "Ask God..." doctrine. I myself am no stranger to the "What does God have for me in my life" question. I am an individual as far as my belief in and relationship with God, but I am not quite so independent within that relationship. With God, I don't exert independence as a priority like I do in other relationships, and lately I've been wondering whether there was something to think about in that.

I've referred to the story of the talents before, because it is definitely one that I use to inform the way I navigate life, but I was exploring the idea that there is more to it than I originally gave it credit for. So for the types of people who "see what happens" in life, they're more fun loving, more spontaneous and less angsty and existential, but they are also more likely to not think about the impact they make and the legacy they're leaving on the world. The existentialists of the world might be more focused on intentional living (creating some meaning for themselves), but are consumed with the "what" questions, and they can become depressed by the futility that does come with our humanity.

I was thinking about what happened here this weekend and what happened in my life in the last two years, and I am believing more and more that God holds us to that talents story with every aspect of our lives. Consider the following verse of scripture, telling us how to find peace:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:6-7)

I saw a different side of this really well known scripture in the last few weeks. I realised that you can't ask God for something, unless you know what it is. I see a lot of clients who are trying to figure something big out. They are in therapy because they know they have a behaviour that doesn't demonstrate their best self, but they need help in bringing to the surface what made them do the behaviour in the first place. Lately I've been meditating on the above scripture, and I have come to believe that there are several responsibilities given in the message.

1.): Don't set up shop in your worries
I think there is quite a functional instruction in there - sometimes the very idea of being this upset is upsetting, and we fret over the immensity of our feelings. I think "Be anxious for nothing" doesn't mean that anxiety is not of God, I think it means that you shouldn't stop there. If you encounter yourself as anxious about something, then this scripture reminds us not to take ownership of it. The way I see that working is addressed in the next stage of the responsibility:

2.) Understand yourself.
"Present your requests to God." I see something really important in this suggestion - you can either assume that God is a genie, and you have countless wishes, in which case you can ask God "MAKE ME HAPPY!" or "TAKE ALL MY PROBLEMS AWAY, NOW GOD!" or you can assume that this means there is a certain level of responsibility involved in what you feel. If you're anxious about something, do you know precisely what it is, and why it makes you anxious? This may seem basic, but most of us don't immediately know this, but have to take some introspection time to figure it out (or go to therapy).

3.) Add God. 
I think that God doesn't necessarily separate us from our dreams, but I do think that God wants us to pursue the dreams He's given us through Him. I do believe that there are sinister paths just like there are virtuous ones, and even the pursuit of our dreams can become sinister if we do so solely for the purpose of our own happiness. "But in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I think this passage is saying that God should be a fundamental part of everything we do. God is the ultimate therapist - you can release your expectations, your anxiety, your disappointment and your unmet hopes to God. If after an introspective look at yourself you need to vent, God is The unbiased, all knowing listener. Also, if you thank God for what He has blessed you with, you improve the quality of your existence. There are many studies that support this, counting one's blessings is a known effector of how a person feels day to day.

4.) Accept Peace.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Here is where I see FREEDOM. This is an excellent parallel to therapy, in a much greater scale. One of the liberating things about psychotherapy is that you get to tell a non-judgemental,  unbiased individual who is there to give you unconditional positive regard, the deepest, most troubling truths and fears you have about yourself. Instead of having to walk around with the burden of your secret thoughts, you get to release them. You have an opportunity to look at yourself in a space where no one will use it against you, but might even offer an insight or perspective that helps you move forward. I think God offers this in a way that transcends anything a therapist can do, because unlike your therapist, God fully understands your heart and the desires within it.

I see freedom in this behaviour pattern because nothing seems to tie people up in knots more than unvoiced fears and unmet expectations. Nothing seems to cause more anxiety than an unknown consequence to our secret thoughts. Imagine living in a world where you can admit to your private fears, look directly at them with a trusted Other (as scared as you are to be truly seen) and find yourself not only loved, but protected in a peace that promises to guard your heart and mind. That is a lot more involved and gritty than making a wish of your personal genie, but it means then that you are a true part of what happens in your life. It means that you have a real opportunity to learn and grow from every piece of your private baggage.

Mountains of Culture & Caught up in a Mess

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Good Sunday, everyone! Last Friday night, I went to a conference entitled The Power of One, headed by speaker and Marketplace Leaders founder, Dr. Os Hilman. I wasn't sure what to expect as this wasn't something that I'd searched out myself, but that someone from work had invited me to. Hilman's thesis is that there are seven mountains of culture: Arts and Entertainment, Business, Family, Government, Media and Religion. His position is that in order to be influential in the marketplace, a person/organisation needs influence, and in order to achieve influence, that person/organisation needs to engage the culture in these seven "mountains". 

I can get into this. Hilman is from a Christian persuasion, and his input here is a breath of fresh air. He's saying that being Christian does not mean being absent from the world in which we live, but rather engaging it. The concept of influence is an important one for me, because I see how the world has always influenced the church - popular music of the time has always been utilised by the church to get people interested in the message, but I also see that in more subtle ways recently. Currently, the climate in places/organisations that are considered "progressive" includes giving everyone the right to exist as they choose.

Lately, I've been thinking about what that means for people who have religious principles they wish to live their life by? It is absolutely NOT straightforward. Look at Dan Cathy and the Chick-fil-a mess, versus this interview with Bill Marriott. My question is this: how do people like me, who consider themselves progressive but faith based, fit into debates like this one? Do we boycott organisations who voice unpopular (especially, potentially Christian) opinions? Do we just stay out of it entirely? I want to stress again that this isn't straightforward. This is my stance as I have it so far (NOT an exhaustive list):

Some of What I do stand for, as a human being and a Christian:

1. I value life and all people that exist. 
2. I am a Christian by choice, and within that belief system, I believe that God gave me and all people free will. That means that God gives me the right to choose my behaviour, and while there are consequences to any action, God isn't going to force me into doing anything, good or bad. 
3. I believe that I should share the great experiences that I have had (as a result of my faith, or otherwise) 
4. I believe that it is good and right for me to tell people how my relationship with God has made me better, and made my existence fulfilling and meaningful. 
5. I do believe that God has given us stipulations about how to live, and that as individuals who follow Christ, we must stand within the morality He has given us. 
6. I do believe in working hard, in developing relationships within the environments one finds him or herself in, and I absolutely believe that every person is responsible for him or herself.

Some of What I don't stand for, as a human being and a Christian:

1. I will not stand for any organisation or person who aims to brainwash or promote a political agenda under the guise of religion
2. I will not stand for any organisation or person who aims to brainwash or promote a lifestyle under the guise of "progression"
3. I will not support or stand for any person, or organisation that purports to have more dominion over me or other people than God has. 
4. I don't believe that the job of teachers, leaders, government officials, or pastors is to make social judgements on lifestyle and preference. The same way liars get away with lying and might even argue that their utterance or action was not a lie, I believe that that is the product of free will, and hence, in God's jurisdiction. 
5. I don't even believe that our focus should be on the do not half as much as it should be on the do.

Do you see how unclear some of this is? I'm saying I don't believe in telling people who they should be, but I do believe that when you make a faith decision, you're becoming something in particular. "But What?" is the next question. I believe that love is the missing ingredient in most of the dispute. A pastor who preaches on putting gay people in a pen doesn't know how to love his neighbour as he does himself. I'm not interested in lording my faith over anyone else, because at the end of the day, I'm still wrong a lot of the time and so are my fellow Christians with enough humility to admit it (we're sorry). The truth be told, I am worried as a Christian, as a member of society and as a (hopeful) future parent. 

How will I teach my children and the young people in my life what is right from wrong when a.) bigots make me uncomfortable being associated with them, and b.) the world's growing liberalism makes me sure my children won't be allowed to watch even cartoons? I'd really like to hear what other people have to say about this. My answer so far is to "test the spirit" and FOREVER ensure that I am not getting my opinions from other's opinions, but that I have my very own relationship with myself, and with God. 

The Very Opposite of Perfect: On Being Wrong, and Okay

I listened to a TED talk on being wrong a few weeks ago, and felt reminded again of the fact that sometimes, I'm wrong. In light of the post I published a few Wednesdays ago, I want to continue the challenge. Lately I have been working with people on confrontation and Mirriam-Webster Dictionary defines confrontation this way: 

1: To face especially in challenge: oppose <confront an enemy>
2 a : To cause to meet : bring face-to-face <confront a reader with statistics>
2 b : To meet face-to-face : encounter <confronted the possibility of failure>

Have you ever found yourself at the point where you're surprised about who you've become? I am exploring this "wrong" idea in terms of the way we see ourselves, and the plans that We've made. If you're a regular reader, you'll know that I tend to be very structured and have clear targets for myself, and that in the last year of my life, those targets have pretty much gone out the window. For me, the first reaction I had was complete and utter denial (and I see myself in some ways, as still being there), then, I moved into acceptance, which I assumed meant that I was resolved to my circumstances and was working myself forward based on my new truths. Wrong. 


Something that I've noticed with my clients is that often-times, at the source of whatever struggle they're having is a basis of grief. Recently, I've had to reconsider my plan, AGAIN, and I have gotten quite emotional about it. I'll be honest, I was surprised by my struggle. While conceptually, I "got" that a change of life, long-term plans would be hard to swallow, I was expecting to see it, understand it intellectually and live in acceptance unless or until I could change the path. I didn't bargain on grief over my dashed expectation, and as a result, I wasn't moving forward like I potentially could. When I found myself having an emotional outburst while faced with another layer of "the new plan," I began to take a closer look. 


What do confrontation and grief have to do with each other? My question came from the observation that with every single client I've ever seen, we go where the client on their own has either been afraid or otherwise unwilling to set foot. For anxiety clients, it is often the very fear of not knowing that creates anxious fear, for people with relationship issues it is often the failure to confront the past as an effector of the present, and I've seen people with depression who run from how depressed they truly are until they can no longer manage to carry out their normal daily routine. As a result, in therapy we take a confrontational approach in our controlled setting - we meet what I am calling "our grief" face to face. 


Grief is not only something we experience when experiencing the death of a loved one or loss of a job, but can develop from the loss of a dream, idea or relationship. Grief can even come from the realisations of a sad past or a disappointing outcome in a current relationship. Strada (2009) states:

Normative, non-pathologic grief is characterized by a constellation of physical, cognitive, psychological, and spiritual symptoms that can create significant suffering but with varying frequency and severity. The various models of grief share the principle that bereavement involves an initial period of shock, disbelief, or denial, often followed by a phase characterized by distressing physical and emotional symptoms.

One of the interesting features of grief is demoralization, and this is an important feature to understand because demoralization is the point at which most people cease investing energy in "an escape." When we become demoralized enough, we stop trying and essentially accept the grief as our normal operating conditions - i.e. "This is just something I have to live with". My theory is that we do this because we haven't fully grasped the "sometimes, I'm wrong" concept. We build up beliefs and values and dreams about how we expect life to be, and each loss or failure of these produces grief. I believe that that is where we start healing. Acceptance of our grief means that we don't choose to encounter it - it means that we are in fact, afraid to see our loss, failure or disappointment because (I believe) we can't stand the idea that we were wrong then, (even if it was just wrong to assume someone else would behave a certain way.) Our misjudgements seem to really embarrass us, but the  fact is, we're all wrong sometimes.

My challenge for you this post is to ask what things in your life are you afraid to be wrong about, and do you think you can confront them? Try talking this through with a friend or partner and trade stories. Just remember this: You are wrong sometimes, and it is absolutely okay.

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Losing My Religion

Lately I've been wandering farther and farther away from a collective Christian identity. In the literal sense of the word, yes, I study the bible and follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, which makes me a Christian, but I detest some of what the church promotes in it's practice, and I disassociate myself from that. For example, the church promotes the idea of "witnessing"  to non-believers to "save" them. I hate the way I've seen Christians coming across to non-believers and I hate the image of the brainwashed bible thumper walking around, desperately trying to hit people over the head with their religion. The result of that has been that I NEVER talk to non-believers about my faith. That's kind of embarrassing to see in print, because it's a fundamental principle (Matthew 4:19) of Christianity to bring people to the faith. Jesus said "come follow me and I will show you how to fish for people."

My issue has always been that I don't agree with the church recruiting members to become a mega-church brand, or even for some blind, delirious need to have told however many hundreds of people "the good news." Where is the heart in this? Perhaps I'm a little obsessed with being genuine, but I haven't necessarily felt that in those scenarios, the motivation was a deep, burning love of people. The problem with me though, is that I now have to answer the same challenge - is it loving to say nothing at all? I can ride my high horse right into the city of church brands and big, famous pastor/minister/preachers who corner "the unsaved" but if we are examining the heart behind certain actions, then I have to start with my own. Do I think that being a Christian,  in the true sense of the word is worthwhile? Yes. Is my life better having had an experience of God, and having followed the practices that the bible has outlined? Yes. Do I think that Jesus is Lord, and that "knowing" Him has significantly increased the quality of my life? Yes. Do I think that it is selfish to tell no one about the treasure that I have found in Christ? Absolutely.

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It's interesting how uncomfortable I am with some of the terminology in the paragraph above. I sometimes watch televised sermons, and recently have found myself writhing in discomfort when I find the pastor too political, too judgemental or in some way, too much. It's all well and good for me to say that it isn't right to impose personal values on the "faith" that a person publicises, but my question for myself is whether there's a danger of going too far to the other side where you start losing content. For example, I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian household, yet I have a real problem with the church cliché. I find it difficult to conceptualise that God is the same yesterday, today and forever when we the human race are definitely, definitely not. Does that make any sense to you?


I'm really looking forward to people's feedback on this one, because I'm literally looking for answers here. The people who exist now are grossly different from the people in biblical stories. I see many stories (and some of "The Law") as being sexist and offensive; it also makes provision for people who are slaves, people who own slaves, and  I just tend to disregard these verses and chapters completely. Of course, many of these critiques are based on old testament doctrine, so does that mean we tear the old testament out and start at Matthew? If so, then we lose the ten commandments, and a lot of foundational stories of faith. How do you maintain the same consistency that God models while following the church? 

This is a key point  I think - Christians have become really dependent on the instruction of the church instead of taking responsibility for their own faith. Humans are very susceptible to influence, and that means that when we appoint a leader and decide to succumb to his/her authority, then we can become lazy to think for ourselves. Now, there's another side to that where you're just projecting - using the name of God or of religion as your personal scapegoat to your choices that have very little actual resonance with God. Both of these tire me. I don't have any confidence in a church that sounds like this guy, or him. I never saw Jesus proclaiming his faith through convincing other people of how wrong they were. He seemed to have beckoned the lost based on their need, not on how sinful they were. The only thing he blatantly berated was when the people defiled the temple of God. I have time for the church that holds firmly to the values that God gives us and fully understands that now we see through a glass, darkly, but then face to face: now [we] know in part; but then shall [we] know even as also [we] are known (1 Cor. 13:12). 

Since social constructs change and what is common practice in the human realm does not stay consistent, I think more than ever the church needs to clutch fully to the knowledge that we do not have sufficient information to judge. Is it possible to follow God, be His servant in whom He is well pleased and to love your neighbour as you love yourself? I maintain my belief that it is. To me, it is about seeking God's instruction, facing our personal insecurities and letting only The Omniscient pass judgement.