Day Thirteen: Breathing

Source

I really can't stay ... Baby, it's cold outside.
I've got to go 'way ... Baby, it's cold outside.

This evening has been ... Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice ... I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice

My mama will start, to worry ... Beautiful, what's your hurry?
And Father will be pacing the floor ... Just listen to that fireplace roar! 

So really I'd better scurry ... Beautiful, please don't hurry!
Well maybe just a half a drink more ... Why don't you put some records on while I pour (excerpt from Frank Loesser's "Baby it's Cold Outside")

While in graduate school, I took an entire module that focused on the problem of ambivalence - when you're not even sure what you want, or you simply can't decide between a couple choices of behaviour. One of the most popular therapeutic treatments for ambivalence toward (stopping or continuing) a behaviour is called Motivational Interviewing (MI). In Motivational Interviewing, the therapist will be actively creating a non-judgemental and supportive environment that gives regular feedback to the client in attempts to help them see  a better future for themselves, based in reality. The key to MI is in the therapist's understanding that every client is at a different stage of readiness to change. Is the client getting help voluntarily? Is this mandatory treatment? These factors impact the client's potential to successfully move out of one behaviour pattern and into more healthy ones.

I bring this up today because this day's funs revolve around admitting to my own ambivalence. I believe (and I've seen it in session!) that we can literally be bound by our own refusal to admit certain realities to ourselves. Denial is a powerful defence mechanism, and while it does save us from some acute discomfort, it doesn't make the realities go away. Sometimes, our denial is hurting us, and the people around us even as we sigh in relief not to have to face certain truths about the world, or ourselves. Last year, 2011, was the most difficult year of my life so far, and I was quite unpleasant to be around, I think. By this time last year, I was depressed, on month three of no-pay injury leave and seriously questioning the validity of my existence. I worked a total of 3 weeks in the year 2011. True story.

My parents, by the middle of 2011 (or maybe even within the first quarter!) were saying that if I wasn't happy here, then I should just move back to England. I was saying no, because I felt like this was where I needed to be. I was seriously ambivalent about it on a deep level because I felt so unhappy. I applied for jobs everywhere from Texas and Norway to Sub-Arctic Canada and considered positions in the Middle-East, Nigeria and the UK. I believe that this was where I was supposed to be, but I prayed to God not to be there any more. Have you ever been to that place?

I'm talking about this now, because I can honestly say that I do not regret having had the year 2011. I don't know if I've publicly credited 2011 for it's good to me, but what a year! I did not enjoy going through many of the experiences I had then, but 2011 changed my life. Had I not been rejected by those particular grad programs, I'd never have had a job in the corporate world doing what I thought was my ideal job. Had I not severed my ACL, I would not have gotten counselling clients then been offered an office space. I might not have realised for several more years and dollars that I was slightly off-track. I started 2011 in all kinds of denial. I refused to consider that I was applying to the wrong types of programs (even though the thought crossed my mind that I shouldn't be applying at all), I refused to consider that the person I hoped would be my future didn't treat me with enough consideration (even though this was obvious) and I absolutely refused to consider that I could be happy without those things happening in the time-frame I preferred. I had my mind made up at the beginning of the year that there was no happiness to be had while I lingered in this space, and by December 2011 I had convinced myself quite thoroughly of that.

2012 has been a year where I learned that I don't get to control everything, and there is a line where responsible planning becomes some form of idolatry where I worship my plan more than I experience true life and the input (that I treasure) of God. This post is entitled Breathing because sometimes, that's all your space will allow you to do. Sometimes you are in a space where you are completely exposed, and you have to look at yourself clearly there, and it huuurts, but then you breathe, and you realise that no evil can come from truly seeing yourself, and you can't truly overcome into a more hopeful future until you deal with what you're desperately clutching on to. You can't do it alone though, and this is maybe the most valuable thing that I learned in the year 2011. I am not alone, and I don't want to be alone. Let the people in your life love you. Breathe it in, and give it: out. 

Twelve: Mental Health Days

Source

Day 11: Oh the Layers!

Source

I like cooking, and one of the staple vegetables I like to use as a base is often a nice, healthy onion. The thing with onions though is that I almost always peel away at least a couple layers, until the texture and look of the onion is in my opinion, "right."  Sometimes though, it looks okay on the outside, but then I cut it in half and find that just a single layer, deep in the onion is no good. Apparently, it isn't rotten as I would assume, but instead, it is a layer of "internal browning" where just this section of the onion received the effects of a calcium deficiency (causing the tissue to collapse) most likely from drought experienced by the plant during its growth. The rest of the onion is perfectly fine, apparently, but that section is underdeveloped and has, in some cases, died. I encounter myself this way too.

I enjoy it when I peel away another layer of my self, my hang-ups, my little insecurities and I come up with a consistent picture. I like to know that I'm not phoney, or different for different people. Even when I must flex in conversation and relationship, there's something comforting for me in the knowledge that I am consistent. Occasionally, that means that I'm surprised by a layer of internal browning - where some part of me suffered the effects of drought and as such didn't develop. I am imperfect, and sometimes I haven't developed everything that you can't even see I haven't developed, and that's okay. It doesn't mean that the whole of me is bad, but that one layer needs some attention - it isn't the same quality as the rest of me, and I need to get rid of it.

That's liberating to know that even if I encounter an entire layer of self that isn't "good," it doesn't mean that I'm all bad. All it means is that the circumstances of life have made an impact on me, and I must examine what I have produced with those circumstances. 

TEN: Are We There, Yet?

Source

Okay, so most of you know that I've challenged myself to 31 days of fun. This is in response to the revelation I've had recently about the value of living by a principle of now. The idea is that there is joy to be had in a world, or an existence where what exists in "the moment" is enough. So far, we've had eight posts about nine days of fun having, and I thought that on this day I'd review the experience so far, and also admit to my reactions.

I've been quite literal about the challenge so far, where I thought about the entertaining things I was doing and I displayed each one proudly here on the blog. I have to admit to something, though. I've had a hard time getting out of bed to go to work most (if not all) of these fun days, and I'm still nowhere near the social creature that I know myself to be. I'm admitting to these things because the one hope of this blog is that my thinking and the experiences that I have can help someone who has experienced or thought something similar. The fact is that I don't want this to turn into some long winded Facebook where I paint you a lovely picture of my amazing life. No.

I talked about experiencing joy everyday like I expect we would in heaven, but there's a very real other side to that story... This isn't heaven. I am still going to model that principle of looking for my present good, my now hopes and happiness, but I am very concious of marketing some miracle therapy to you. The fact is that this is a decision I'm making. Neither is it a box checking exercise, nor is it a wonder treatment. Some days I remember that there is good right here, and some days I groan as I realise I've run out of snoozes on my morning alarm. I'm going to leave you with a song that I think sums up my attitude pretty nicely:

I wake up each morning with a song in my mind,

And I'm always so eager to rise and shine;

I look at the ocean playing tag with the shore,

And I know that I've come home forever more.

I left the big city and the bright lights behind,

The freeways and neon — I almost went blind;

So, I packed my belongings and I came back to you,

Now if this isn't heaven I think it will do.

If this isn't heaven it's sweet and it's true,

Oh, dear ol' Placentia my heart goes with you;

May I wander your meadows my whole life through,

And if this isn't heaven I think it will do.

Now, I don't earn the dollars that I did years gone by,

But you don't need a fortune to be happy and thrive;

For there's more things to heaven than a dollar or two,

Now if this isn't heaven I think it will do.

I've got me a good wife and my friends old and new,

And I know when I need them they'll always come through;

I've got the mountains and valleys and the lifestyle I choose,

And if this isn't heaven I think it will do.

If this isn't heaven it's sweet and it's true,

Oh, dear ol' Placentia my heart goes with you;

May I wander your meadows my whole life through,

And if this isn't heaven I think it will do.

And if this isn't heaven I think it will do.

- Wayne Collins

Day 9: Sunday Drive

Source

Have you ever gotten into the car without knowing exactly where you were going? Although we started out saying we'd head to the beach, today, that was us. As we got ready to leave, a huge cloud positioned itself over the valley and it began to bucket down with rain. We got into the car and went "for a drive" instead. By the end of the trip, we'd visited a fort, sat down to some Asian food and watched the movie "The Life of Pi" at the local cineplex. It was a good day :)

Eight! Or was it Ate?

Seven: No missed opportunities

Today my brother and his wife leave to go back to England. I hadn't seen them in three years before this visit. They're leaving in the final quarter of my work day, and ordinarily I might've been rigid enough to assume that I couldn't make the space to see them off under these special circumstances. Not today. My fun for the day is in making the most of what's good right now. Family is VERY important to me, so I am intentionally pursuing them, and  not being too caught up in functioning to notice that good is right here.