Twelve: Mental Health Days

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Day 11: Oh the Layers!

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I like cooking, and one of the staple vegetables I like to use as a base is often a nice, healthy onion. The thing with onions though is that I almost always peel away at least a couple layers, until the texture and look of the onion is in my opinion, "right."  Sometimes though, it looks okay on the outside, but then I cut it in half and find that just a single layer, deep in the onion is no good. Apparently, it isn't rotten as I would assume, but instead, it is a layer of "internal browning" where just this section of the onion received the effects of a calcium deficiency (causing the tissue to collapse) most likely from drought experienced by the plant during its growth. The rest of the onion is perfectly fine, apparently, but that section is underdeveloped and has, in some cases, died. I encounter myself this way too.

I enjoy it when I peel away another layer of my self, my hang-ups, my little insecurities and I come up with a consistent picture. I like to know that I'm not phoney, or different for different people. Even when I must flex in conversation and relationship, there's something comforting for me in the knowledge that I am consistent. Occasionally, that means that I'm surprised by a layer of internal browning - where some part of me suffered the effects of drought and as such didn't develop. I am imperfect, and sometimes I haven't developed everything that you can't even see I haven't developed, and that's okay. It doesn't mean that the whole of me is bad, but that one layer needs some attention - it isn't the same quality as the rest of me, and I need to get rid of it.

That's liberating to know that even if I encounter an entire layer of self that isn't "good," it doesn't mean that I'm all bad. All it means is that the circumstances of life have made an impact on me, and I must examine what I have produced with those circumstances. 

TEN: Are We There, Yet?

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Okay, so most of you know that I've challenged myself to 31 days of fun. This is in response to the revelation I've had recently about the value of living by a principle of now. The idea is that there is joy to be had in a world, or an existence where what exists in "the moment" is enough. So far, we've had eight posts about nine days of fun having, and I thought that on this day I'd review the experience so far, and also admit to my reactions.

I've been quite literal about the challenge so far, where I thought about the entertaining things I was doing and I displayed each one proudly here on the blog. I have to admit to something, though. I've had a hard time getting out of bed to go to work most (if not all) of these fun days, and I'm still nowhere near the social creature that I know myself to be. I'm admitting to these things because the one hope of this blog is that my thinking and the experiences that I have can help someone who has experienced or thought something similar. The fact is that I don't want this to turn into some long winded Facebook where I paint you a lovely picture of my amazing life. No.

I talked about experiencing joy everyday like I expect we would in heaven, but there's a very real other side to that story... This isn't heaven. I am still going to model that principle of looking for my present good, my now hopes and happiness, but I am very concious of marketing some miracle therapy to you. The fact is that this is a decision I'm making. Neither is it a box checking exercise, nor is it a wonder treatment. Some days I remember that there is good right here, and some days I groan as I realise I've run out of snoozes on my morning alarm. I'm going to leave you with a song that I think sums up my attitude pretty nicely:

I wake up each morning with a song in my mind,

And I'm always so eager to rise and shine;

I look at the ocean playing tag with the shore,

And I know that I've come home forever more.

I left the big city and the bright lights behind,

The freeways and neon — I almost went blind;

So, I packed my belongings and I came back to you,

Now if this isn't heaven I think it will do.

If this isn't heaven it's sweet and it's true,

Oh, dear ol' Placentia my heart goes with you;

May I wander your meadows my whole life through,

And if this isn't heaven I think it will do.

Now, I don't earn the dollars that I did years gone by,

But you don't need a fortune to be happy and thrive;

For there's more things to heaven than a dollar or two,

Now if this isn't heaven I think it will do.

I've got me a good wife and my friends old and new,

And I know when I need them they'll always come through;

I've got the mountains and valleys and the lifestyle I choose,

And if this isn't heaven I think it will do.

If this isn't heaven it's sweet and it's true,

Oh, dear ol' Placentia my heart goes with you;

May I wander your meadows my whole life through,

And if this isn't heaven I think it will do.

And if this isn't heaven I think it will do.

- Wayne Collins

Day 9: Sunday Drive

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Have you ever gotten into the car without knowing exactly where you were going? Although we started out saying we'd head to the beach, today, that was us. As we got ready to leave, a huge cloud positioned itself over the valley and it began to bucket down with rain. We got into the car and went "for a drive" instead. By the end of the trip, we'd visited a fort, sat down to some Asian food and watched the movie "The Life of Pi" at the local cineplex. It was a good day :)

Eight! Or was it Ate?

Seven: No missed opportunities

Today my brother and his wife leave to go back to England. I hadn't seen them in three years before this visit. They're leaving in the final quarter of my work day, and ordinarily I might've been rigid enough to assume that I couldn't make the space to see them off under these special circumstances. Not today. My fun for the day is in making the most of what's good right now. Family is VERY important to me, so I am intentionally pursuing them, and  not being too caught up in functioning to notice that good is right here. 

Day Six: To the beach

What is right in front of you that you're not doing? Yesterday I finished work and promptly joined my family at Maqueripe Beach, on the north-west coast of Trinidad and about 30 minutes from my home. I didn't go swimming because it was too late by the time I got there, but I thought to myself what a great idea! Now this is one of my confessions: I've spontaneously gone to the beach just 30 minutes away from me exactly zero times for the year 2012. That's going to change!

FUN? YES PLEASE.