Dreams Versus Identity

Last Sunday's post explored the idea that if you are who you say you are then you don't need to live in fear. I would like to amend that slightly, or at the very least, build on it. Today I am thinking about the difference between what you know to be your identity, and what you see as your future.

You know what I've suddenly begun to accept? I am not nearly as concrete as I once imagined. For the majority of my life, I will admit to you, I thought that the more consistent you were in terms of your goals, the success of your relationships and of your plans, the better you were doing at life. I am beginning to change my mind about this. Now, let me put some qualifiers on that statement before you go away thinking I'm saying it is better to be a flake than to be consistent... I'm not. I am saying that if you are a really structured person like I am, then you are probably more fluid than you realise. Some measure of consistency (read: follow through) is good, especially if you have the tendency to be a little bit uncommitted, but holding on to everything you thought you were simply because that is what you think you are supposed to do, I think, is not good.

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What I am learning lately is that it isn't just life that is full of surprises. I'm learning that I am full of surprises. In the troublesome year that I've just been through in 2011, the thing that I struggled with most was the change of plans. I have been wrestling ceaselessly with the loss of what I thought was an element of my identity - my dreams for the future. I had a relatively clear picture of what I thought I wanted and I rejected the life in front of me because I couldn't see how this current reality would lead me to the dream I had conjured. That is misery, by the way.

I am learning that often, you have to fight your current reality because it isn't good enough, it isn't healthy, or it is damaging, but sometimes you have to fight your concept of a dream as 'who you will become,' because it is damaging or unhealthy. Now, this may sound a little incongruent to the fundamental message of this blog, but stay with me. I am still saying look for yourself every day that you live, I am still saying that you have a value that no one else has, and that you need to admit to your dreams and pursue them, but I am also saying that nothing is as straightforward as it first appears. I am saying that sometimes, in order to live the life that I believe God intended for you, you have to let go of what you thought was the dream that defined your future identity and see if you couldn't be something else.

Now, this is an unnatural idea, even to me as I'm writing it; I'm still wrapping my mind around it. Imagine being secure enough in who you are to let go of what you thought you could be. Imagine letting go of a dream when you haven't yet replaced it with a new one, contented to be assured that you could definitely be something else, something better. Imagine what your faith would look like if this was something you could do.

<< Proverbs 3 >> New Living Translation   Trusting in the LORD 1My child,a never forget the things I have taught you. Store my commands in your heart. 2If you do this, you will live many years, and your life will be satisfying. 3Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart. 4Then you will find favor with both God and people, and you will earn a good reputation. 5Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. 6Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Mentally "Green"

 If You Are What You Say You Are... then: Have no Fear.

The closing lyric of a Lupe Fiasco (Featuring Matthew Santos) song struck me as I was driving home from work one day last week. If you are what you say you are, then have no fear? This is an interesting concept, and both somewhat unrealistic, while fundamentally true. I am thankful for diverse creativity.

People's underlying insecurities are often the cause of interpersonal conflict, according to most psychology researchers and sometimes, the behaviours we find ourselves repeating - with negative consequences - are the things we are using to hide aspects of ourselves that we would prefer people not see, or know about. The negative consequences are usually because it isn't as easy to hide as we would like to believe, and we are insecure because we are injured, somehow wounded by the "thing". Even if you manage to mask the actual source of your insecurity, most people can tell when something about a person just doesn't ring true.

This is what I got from those words, and liked: there is nothing to be afraid of if you are being genuine - there  is no risk of being found out, because you've already said exactly who you are. Now the difficult thing about that is this: who is that, exactly? I embrace the idea that anyone can be seriously asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" It is life giving to me to think that there is always more to learn, to grow into, to achieve, to see, and to discover that you love. The truth of it is though, it is harder to be in a position to do this when you haven't even figured out the first thing about yourself, and who that is.

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As I was reading through some current event websites, the idea of being "mentally green" came to me. Sustainable development is a hot topic these days with the prospect of energy costs being too high, or energy sources diminishing and being harmful to boot. As I reflected on how many people don't know who they truly are, and how much this can hurt personal and professional relationships, I began thinking about what it would mean to have sustainable development of mind. Just like the world is in a panic about whether we will be able to maintain the levels of energy we expend today, if we continue using the same sources, and whether our world will last for our children if we continue using these sources of power, I wonder if people should look at themselves and ask the same thing.

Someone discovered that while the entire oil industry is a lucrative and realistic source of energy right now, it could be killing our planet. The world has been in various layers of hype ever since - reduce, reuse, recycle! Go Green! If our source of energy is diminished, then how can we develop? A gas-fuelled car with an empty tank is of very little use. Similarly, if a person is using great energy to prove that they are something that they are not, how long can that be maintained? My theory is that there is sustainable human energy, and mental energy that is finite.

I believe that any mental illness is an example of broken down development. Somewhere along the line, the individual has devoted a majority of their energy in an area that keeps them in a loop, rather than helping them to move forward. It is any instance where much energy is being expended, but the result puts the person at risk of damage, or the energy itself is harmful to the individual. It is not sustainable. Consider this: have you ever found yourself sabotaging a relationship you were in? Have you ever found yourself repeatedly having the same problem, and you could note that it was a pattern, but you couldn't seem to stop? To me, that's the hole in your ozone layer, and we all have one (or a few).

The idea is to know more about the person, in order to be who we say we are. Geologists, engineers and physicists work day and night to learn more about matter, about the properties of the world that contains us so that they might find a way to maintain the development that we all demand, while being able to sustain the natural environment. I think people need to do the same thing. Learn about yourself; your vulnerabilities, the things that damage you (behaviour, relationships, people or conversations) and go green! Where you would have spent your energy defending a criticism, look at it instead - is it true? Can you work on it? Can you come to terms with it? Is it false? Can you let it go? Where you see flaws in yourself, can you find sustainable energy sources to deal with them?

My challenge this week is on being mentally green. I am going to be looking for sustainable development of mind. I am looking to utilise an energy source that I can keep holding on to, that is renewable, safe, efficient and sufficient to power me through my development. I can already identify some of my own green energy sources: my Faith is clearly my leading, green, renewable resource. My belief in an infinite, omniscient God settles my restless, nihilistic self. Another green energy source of mine: nature - have you ever seen anything more fascinating in your whole life? On evenings as I drive home, I take the more traffic laden route, because the highway is parallel to the ocean on one side, and mountains on the other. This gives me life. In a few years, I plan a trip to climb Mount Kilimanjaro; this excites me endlessly and is something that propels me forward.

What is your Mentally Green energy source?

Today We Celebrate!

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The Best Music

Based on the recent postings on happiness, I've decided to start a new trend for Rantings; every entry will start with something I'm thankful about. In Trinidad, we are coming into the season of the Poui. Poui trees are beautiful, wild, tall, deciduous trees that flower in pinks, yellows and oranges around this time of year. They make the usually richly green mountains brilliant with colour when they are all in bloom. I love to watch out for the very first Poui bloom of the season, and slowly track the progress as others begin to follow suit, because they are so quickly gone, blending in to the lush greens of the mountainside. I am thankful to live in a landscape paradise. God has done great, great work here.

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Today, I am thinking of any really excellent piece of music; have you ever noticed how there are always ebbs and flows to it? I really enjoy classical music, and in this genre there is often an indicated crescendo  (escalating) and diminuendo (de-escalating) moment which adds drama and movement to the piece. In other styles of music, sometimes it is the darkness of the lyrics that creates drama and the emotion there is appealing to the listener because it is honest, or raw, or relate-able to the bobbing states that every person experiences in life. In an interview I saw with the British musician and songwriter Adele, she said that after all of the success of her first (19) and particularly her second album, 21, she found that she was happy. Both she and the interviewer joked that something needed to happen before her next album, as happy doesn't sell as much as anguish does.

The fact is, we all go through the low moments and the high moments that life is made up of.  Sometimes, we can worry ourselves into believing that there is something wrong with us if something is wrong with us. I say that very tongue-in-cheek, because I have seen many clients who think like this, and I have definitely seen it in myself - if something makes me sad or acutely emotional in any way, if I can't fix it right away then I begin to rebuke myself. "Snap out of it!" I can't tell you how many clients panic about being crazy if they have an unpleasant emotion for too long.

Now, don't get me wrong; in mental illness (for example, depression), people can definitely get to the point where they are catastrophizing every event in their lives, and they can become consumed by negative emotions. In these cases, sometimes medication is required to return the biochemical mechanisms in their brain to the proper balance, and sometimes the therapist's main intervention will include re-framing the client's spontaneous thoughts, and seeking to alter the thoughts that a client chooses to focus on. My point in talking about feeling bad when things happen that are hard to deal with is to say this: it is okay to feel bad sometimes. In my life, I have felt bad because I have been depressed. I actually remember crying one time because I couldn't believe I was feeling this bad. My depression depressed me. Why? Because the message is usually that negative emotions are a bad thing, and we shouldn't ever focus on them.

I don't know, maybe I'm just not like everyone else, but I think that the negative emotions are a really important part of our lives, and their expression is CRUCIAL to mental health. In my life, the first 25 years or so were spent being really emotionally closed, being really really far from my emotions in relation to everyone else, and the reward was that no one really knew me that well. People saw me as strong, sure, but I was never at liberty to say "I'm hurting" or "I need..." In the last two or three years I've been actively changing this about myself. I've been intentionally admitting to my world that I am a whole person - I am the strong, independent and wildly hilarious person that is impressed upon you the minute you meet me, but I am also soft hearted, sensitive and immensely loving. None of these are secrets I wish to keep. Cut me and I bleed. When things go terribly in my life, I cry about them. I'm not at all sorry about this.

To go back to the title statement, the best music ebbs and flows. The best people have all dimensions. Excellent people's stories compel you because they aren't made of success from start to finish. The bigger the trials a person overcomes, the more inspirational their story is at the end. When my life is over, I want my loved ones to look at my life, maybe read my journals and say "WOW look at how much there is here!" I want the bad to be represented as much as the good will be, because this is what I have overcome, and this is the music I've made with it. 

Hedonism makes us Happy (Part 1)

I am definitely not the first person to talk about this idea of faith-inclusive hedonism. In fact, John Piper has developed a whole ministry based on the idea that "God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him."

What do you think that means? From his position, I have gathered that he wants listeners to invest their attention in the pursuit of Godly pleasure, to become so lost in the worship of God that they become satisfied by His spirit. Biblically, this seems like the goal, simplified. We want to worship God, to be positioned so squarely in His presence that we are totally satisfied, because God is more than enough. While this is a belief that I agree with and hold, I think it may be a bit too theoretical for me. I don't think it is really telling people how to be happy in God, or even just in general. To me, it feels like saying you can have higher self esteem by sitting next to all your past successes printed on paper or depicted in pictures - look at them everyday, and you'll have a higher self esteem! I don't know if that is enough information. While you stare at them, you'll probably feel better, but the fact is that none of us can just sit in the same place for the duration of life, chewing on only the theory that we could be happy. We also live in an animated and physical world that impacts our feelings about self, and life. Below is an excellent twelve minute video I really hope you'll watch, it's about the mechanisms that people tend to use to assess and to achieve happiness.

Dr. Shawn Achor is describing a principle of positive psychology which says that people tend to be in pursuit of normal, when normal is merely an average, and often times not an accurate average, but skewed to too many negative examples. There is a tendency to relate and focus on more negativity than positivity, and the result is a population of people who believe that the regular, everyday norm is just not that good. His suggestion? To actively pursue the good. His research has been able to demonstrate how the inclusion of random acts of kindness (such as sending an encouraging email or opening a door for someone), of journalling about one positive experience everyday greatly improves a person's mentality, and this is actually more predictive of success at work and school than is IQ alone. I find that very interesting, because it suggests that we can manipulate our own habits and thinking to literally create more happiness.

Happiness has been marketed as something that some people have, and some people don't. It is spoken of in reverent tones when noted in someone else, and people generally aspire to attain the things that will, one day make them happy, too. I have been chewing over this idea for a couple years now because in my own life I had been completely convinced that being a goal setter and plan follower, doing everything you maturely and thoughtfully set out to do was the way to happiness. Ongoing success makes you happy, right? I'm learning that that is wrong. Success makes you desirous of more success, and like Achor is suggesting, it just means you're aiming for a moving target.

My newest thought has been to be where I am, and do good, be good and see good right there. I am saying happiness is something that you take from life, not something that life gives to you.

10.) I will do good anyway. The Paradoxical Commandments are a list of life statements and guidelines written by Dr. Kent M. Keith that have really spoken to me recently; I encourage you to read through them.

The tenth resolution I wrote for 2012 references The Paradoxical Commandments and I find that this is a good springboard into the challenge for the year which is to literally be good. Many of the references here suggest that good is, but humans don't naturally choose to see what is good, but instead see what is less than  ideal, less than the goal, good. I like the paradoxical commandments because they remind us that there is always a little struggle involved with doing (or being/seeing) good, but that you should do it anyway. In my mind happiness is the product of knowing and seeing what is good. Happiness, to me, is the result of a superior understanding of what is all around us.

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And So We Revel

 REV·EL
    [rev-uhl]  Show IPA verb, -eled, -el·ing or (especially British ) -elled, -el·ling, nounverb (used without object)1.to take great pleasure or delight (usually followed by in ): to Revel in luxury.2.to make merry; indulge in boisterous festivities. (Source)

Tomorrow is "Carnival Monday" in Trinidad and Tobago. I have taken the four day weekend as an opportunity to go to a family friend's beach house about two hours from home. So far, it's been absolute bliss. What a treat after my second week at work (which is going well by the way!); I am already tanned and feeling really relieved of the week. Today is going to be a short one, but I really want to ask you this: what is revelling, and is it a bad thing? In carnival, there are (at least) 48 hours of non stop revelling. People involved in the reveling are having the time of their lives, and Christians in this culture turn their noses up at all those heathen sinners with their complete abandon. I wondered to myself when was the last time I saw such a happy group of Christians? I can't answer that, because I don't remember. Why is that? I've been coming to the point of embracing hedonism within the confines of my faith.

I'm not going to go into the details tonight, but I thought I'd give you a little something to chew on. At every opportunity of late, I've been looking for ways to enjoy everything around me. I've been working hard at experiencing pleasure from all the little and big blessings that seep into my day. Below are some pictures I took on my travels.

Balandra, North Coast, Trinidad

Close to Big Bay, North Coast, Trinidad

Close to Cedros, South Coast, Trinidad

Hopefully I can talk more about this later this week, but I am currently on a challenge myself to invest in finding and/or seeing the good. My encouragement for you this week is to be inquisitive, be hungry and determined in your pursuit of good. 

Tomorrow I'll be Eighty (The Voice you have)

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Last Friday was the end of my first full week of work. I came back on Wednesday, February 1st and I am amazed that I've already had two Fridays on the job! Time really just flies by at gale force. As I have been at work though, I've been thinking about the way people perceive others, based solely on the tone of their voice, or perhaps their style of speaking. If you are soft spoken, people tend to think that you are soft, and likewise, if you have a loud or deep voice, people tend to think you are forceful.

My next thought was about the tone of our language. If people make assumptions based solely on the booming or whisper-like nature of a person's tone, do they also make assumptions based on the strength or passivity of the language we use? In science, researchers reporting their findings and theories are told to use the passive voice because it lends to the nature of research, i.e. incomplete understanding. A researcher is told to use the passive voice for reporting because they should be objective, less self-convicted, and more aware of the existing mysteries in what they are researching. In everyday speech and fictional writing, the passive voice creates ambiguity and can be a tool (for politicians, for e.g.) to give information while being vague about the details.

I titled this post "Tomorrow I'll be Eighty (The Voice you have)" because I was just thinking about how fast the time flies, and also about the Resolution below. Feeling as though you contribute and are being purposeful in my mind, has a little something to do with what you are saying about yourself in your actions and in the voice you use to communicate you to the external world.

9.) Wherever I go, there I am. This relates to Res 2.) and 3.), but is important in its own right, because this speaks to one's state of mind at every point. This is especially important in those transition times, in the times where you are fed up of where you are, and every day increases your angst. All [last] year here I've been looking at ways to combat feelings of meaninglessness which erupt most when you aren't doing everything you wish you were. The goal of this Resolution is to find any and every thing that could make you feel like you are contributing and purposeful where you are. I really think people need to know that they add to their space, and deciding to be present wherever you find yourself is my answer to an uncontrollable restlessness. 

In my opinion, there is always something that you are absolutely sure of. For me, purposefulness is the key, or one of the keys to happiness. I don't mean having things to do when I use the term “purposefulness” though, I mean having an increasingly clear picture of what you were made to do, and doing it. Abraham Maslow called this “self-actualization,” where you are the person you envision yourself being and your needs are being met. What I have learnt is that there is a certain amount of liberation and more importantly, increase in happiness when you actively insert yourself into your days. At the end of the day, I don’t want to be so wound up because I'm completely dissatisfied with everything that I have and everything that I've been doing all day. My theory is that we feel like that when we know of other things we could be doing, we know we didn't say things that we believed and that we were basically letting life happen to us all day long.

When I die, I want it to be true that I happened to the world around me. I want it to be true that wherever I went, I made the environment different. I want to know that my humour brightened up my office or my therapy session. I want to know that my determination made someone try something new. I want my blog to have touched someone. Do you see what I’m saying? I’m using my own personal examples, but I really want to challenge you to be thinking about who you are. Ask your loved ones what your best qualities are, what really moves them about you, and see if you are cultivating that in every aspect of your life. Do you know why you are at the job you are at? Do you see how your skills differ and improve your environment? If you don’t, I’m encouraging you to find out, and make sure you’re using them. I'm saying be present and active in your own life. If you like, you can come back and comment or message me (which a lot of people seem to like to do) about how you find that experience, if you think that is always possible and what are some things you can do in the situations where it's hard to be an individual.

Life seems to just fly by, and in my opinion there is a lifetime and not much time at all. I see you as having great potential, and the world is so very blessed to have you in it. Imagine what the world would be like if more people were being active in the voice and the actions that they use. My challenge for the week is for you to be wherever you are, because at the end of our lives we will look back and my hope is that you'll be able to say that "That was me. I did that, and I'm so glad that I had the courage to..."