Validated Wholly.

You will all excuse me while I silently freak out about compromising my highly valued privacy in today's blogpost. This post is in some ways a revisit to another post I wrote, that has been one of the most popular entries in the history of Rantings. I'm here to talk about how we as humans can become caught up in what I like to call identity by comparison. In psychology, there are loads of studies that talk about elements that impact the way a person assembles their view of self - what parents say/do, what their peers do, what society says people like person/group X does, and what is inherent to the individual (their nature) all form a person's identity.

Recently, I've been thinking about my own identity and the parts of that identity that I don't need to own. In my theory, there are at least a couple sources of identity in every individual. The first is the true core and essence of you, the values, hopes and preferences that make you, you. The second is the identity that someone gave you. This is what your parent, a teacher, a mean boy/girl at school, a boyfriend/girlfriend made as a statement about you, that you have taken ownership of. This is what you believe about yourself, solely based on what you were told.  Now, it isn't necessarily bad, and we're going to talk about how, as one of the good examples of this, God also gives us an identity, one that we can only own through faith. In my opinion when your true core identity can find the truth and the words that resonate from what people have said, and still be fully represented, then you have found your ideal self. This is the identity that Rantings sets out to encourage you to seek and live by, because it represents you after you have sifted through what you've been taught, and is what you truly believe.

This morning, I went to my parents' church for fellowship Sunday and in their special "Thanksgiving Service," I gave my testimony. I related what has been going on with me, and I said that in some ways, I am still living in one of my worst nightmares, but the thanksgiving can come now, because I am completely, 100% convinced that God is with me, and that He has a plan to use this for good. I have no dwindling in the faith department, only in the confidence department, but I remain sure that God is present, and somehow, in this He has neither left, nor forsaken me. I can see that He has not, so I can stay on the current course, without wavering, even when people suggest to me that I try an alternative.

Now, into the topic of the day. Who am I? I was freaking out earlier, because it is impressed upon me to drop the general nature of my posts. I am professing that there will always be a piece of myself in EVERY post I publish; not just in the way the writing is assembled, or the humour, but a direct insight from my heart on what I'm writing about. Today I am going to insert some self into my thoughts on singleness and some of the processes I've had to have on the matter in order to move to a more healthy place. I asked the who am I question because I want you to think about the statement answers you have to that question. For me, one of the answers I had, based on what the world told me about it, was that I was alone, and that alone wasn't quite right.

When I entered my mid-twenties, it hit me like a ton of bricks, bricks that "they" had said were looming over my head, but that I had always assumed were never going to be my problem. I finished gradschool and immediately realised that I was in the majority - I wanted the cliché in it's entirety; husband, 2.5 children, and white picket fence. This was a strange place to move into, because I had prided myself on my independence and my career driven ambition. I never really factored in a very persistent, present desire for a husband and family that would, at times, supersede my professional ambition.  I knew that I wanted to get married, but I saw this as a natural progression, a bi-product of my living.

When the desire for a spouse and a family became an entity of its own, somehow morphing into a full fledged goal in my twenties (adding an Mrs. degree to my Ms. and my future PhD. ambitions) I began to feel nervous, because the world categorises people into these rigid subgroups, and I was contemplating where I fit into these. Was I a single career woman like I'd kind of been marketed as up to that point? Was I in a relationship? Well, don't I want to get married? I'm past 25, and by some standards, withering as we speak! Was I one of those lesbians then? What steps was I taking to make this pesky singleness go away?

Those are the types of questions, implied or voiced, that I felt my world asking me. I felt a great deal of pressure, all of a sudden, and some of it was from my own internal dialogue. I took the commentary of the world around me about the identities I had to choose from, I considered my own heart's desire and then I came up with a belief about myself, based on these. I was single for too long. Something is wrong with me. I am going to be alone forever if I keep doing everything that I am doing now. I'm too picky. My standards are too high.

There are a number of reasons why we believe the things we do, anything from what someone was able to convince us of, to the actual details of our lives that have supported some theory in our heads. I realised about six months to a year ago that I was starting to believe those statements about myself, based on what my world was saying to me. That was an area of vulnerability for me, because I wasn't completely confident, and assured of my path or my future in this area. Number one, this particular identity directly involved another person (my future spouse) choosing me and therefore acknowledging my identity as a wife, and children, forcing all to acknowledge me as a mother. Secondly, I wanted these things, and didn't have them, had no known coming or existent suggestion that they would, in fact, be a part of my future. Now some people can just put this out of their mind and not worry about it, but I wasn't one of those people. For me, I feared that if I wasn't expressing the identity that I wanted, then I had to choose from the other identities that my world offered in this regard. I was in misery attempting to do this.

At some point, my prayers rotated from the hope to see these things come to pass, to indignant comments at God that this is how the world saw me, and I have no power to change that image. I felt like God taught me an important lesson through this struggle, though. The question came to me during one of these rants as to why I felt that these were my only choices. Who does God say I am? Does He call me alone, deviant, or withered? Also, is there any other area in my life where I let the world have this much commentary on who I am? Do I accept what the world tells me I can have? Or, do I usually teach the world about what it can do and have? Am I innovative or compliant? I realised that my life's philosophy was one of innovation, but somehow in this area, the devil was able to convince me that I needed to comply. I wanted to be a mother, and I felt the question raised in one of my rant moments with God of why not be a mother, then? There are many people already in the world who need a mother's love, so why wait until I feel validated by society to express that trait? Who are these people anyway?

I dissected my thoughts about womanhood, and questioned myself on why I felt as though my feminine identity was tied into my relationship status. I realised that the world had told me that these were related things. Now, because I had an insecurity in this area, I walked around thinking that your femininity was  voided if you weren't being validated in a relationship. I had this idea that you needed another to confirm your identity as a woman before it was truly yours. Why? For me, it may have been because as a child I was a tomboy, and not very classically feminine at all, but somewhere in my early twenties I realised (with a vengeance) that I didn't want to be viewed as anything other than a woman. I worried that I wasn't being seen that way because the world was saying "you're not very womanly if you're single" and I began to despair because I wondered how I could express myself as womanly in this world when I have never been the type of person who could be in a relationship just for the sake of it, or even for fear of being alone.

And so, in my personal reflection and my conversations with God, the flaws in my thinking emerged. My identity was being too much affected by what others were speaking over me. Even if I didn't believe the negative statements, I felt the weight of them, and despaired over the minute they would become more than mean or hurtful things that someone said, but actual truths in my life. I acknowledged my belief that we are authors in this world. I believe that people speak into our lives, but that there is a life inside of us that others do not have any authority over. I believe that there is  purpose in the dream identity we each hold for ourselves, and the only person who can take that away from us is, you guessed it, us. What that means is that as an individual, you need boldness to argue for your own hope and vision, you need the strength to say I heard the world say one thing, but this is what I believe. More importantly, in my most honest relationship, the one with El Roi, God Who sees me, there is no mystery to the desires of my heart, and there is no judgement for the shape that my walk through the earth takes, certainly not in the case of my obedience to His mandates.

Psalm 119:1-8

The Message (MSG)

You're blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God. 

   You're blessed when you follow his directions,
      doing your best to find him.
   That's right—you don't go off on your own;
      you walk straight along the road he set.
   You, God, prescribed the right way to live;
      now you expect us to live it.
   Oh, that my steps might be steady,
      keeping to the course you set;
   Then I'd never have any regrets
      in comparing my life with your counsel.
   I thank you for speaking straight from your heart;
      I learn the pattern of your righteous ways.
   I'm going to do what you tell me to do;
      don't ever walk off and leave me.

I might not express every element of myself the way that I had in mind originally, but to know that there is at least One who sees me fully, loves me the same and is solely interested in good plans for me is my refuge in a world that doesn't always acknowledge my identity. God is our validation, and I understand that as long as we walk in obedience to Him, everything that we desire to be is validated in Him. 

I want to thank YOU.

Today is Thanksgiving.

Is it the North American holiday? No, but it is the beginning of something good. Last Thursday, I had a doctor's appointment in which my orthopaedic specialist told me that I was cleared to go back to work. The improvement in my leg post reconstructive surgery and manipulation under anaesthetic is enough that I can go back. I can't sit down nor stand for hours, and I still have physical therapy three days a week, but I can only attempt to communicate to you the pure relief and excited joy I feel to be able to go to work. What an amazing answer to my prayers!

A friend of mine wrote a blog post recently on what not to say to someone who is grieving. While I haven't suffered the death of a loved one, I have been in grief the last few months. Sometimes, people have responded to the losses I've suffered in the last 13 months with platitudes from Aunt Amy's list, but I have come in here today to talk about the immense, wonderful, persistent and faithful love that I have gotten from my dear, dear friends and family. I read an article on the benefits of giving thanks, and it is no surprise to read that in various demographics from soldiers to college women to kindergartners, expressing gratitude creates more spontaneous optimism.

I am so very Thankful to God for the life that He has put in me. Despite everything that has happened recently, I have never doubted that God was with me, that He was providing for me. In everything that has happened, there have been reminders that I was not forgotten, and that all things really do work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purposes.  I also want to take a minute to say that I am so thankful for my loved ones who have stuck by me. For the flowers, the get well soon cards, the visits, the phone calls, the chats and the constant reminders that I wasn't alone and that I was WELL cared for, I thank all of you. I absolutely love you!

In my general spirit of encouragement, I want to confirm that these little gestures have meant the world to me, and you have helped me through my valley. You have made a huge difference. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

From the Heart

This weekend I went to a small social gathering at a friend's house. We got to talking, as you do at these things, and someone was saying that he read an article that said if you spent an average of about ten thousand hours practising some activity, you would be very likely to become a world class achiever in that area. We marvelled at the kind of world we would live in if there were more people who wake up inspired to practice anything for 10000 hours, who are that passionate about anything!

I went away thinking about things being heartfelt, and I was kind of excited about that.

I have been on a journey, and you know, when you're going through something, it is so easy to feel as though you are becoming the emotions you experience. If you've ever been through a real low point in your life, you'll know what it feels like to be petrified that you are starting to fatigue your loved ones with your strain and your struggle. You will know what it means to worry that you are starting to be one of those people that other people need to help, and that there is very little left of you to be of any real value to anyone else.

You know what I realised this weekend? I have experienced some negative emotions, I did go to a dark place some of the time, but the emotions and the negative experiences do not somehow take ownership of my whole life. In fact, in a moment this weekend, perhaps with the idea of a looming return to work (Please God!), I could see all the ways in which I have grown, even the ways I no longer despair in my situation. Isn't that a great thing to realise? That you are no longer living in despair?

One of my reasons for writing this post today is in reflection of Res 2.):

2.) I will not assume that bad things in my life mean that I have done bad - We talked about the presence of much in our lives as an indication that we are in abundant "life." It is easy, and perhaps even the knee jerk response to ask yourself what on earth you've done to cause this series of events, but sometimes there is just much happening, all around us. The take home message has been this: don't let yourself slump based on what you could have done or did not do that brought you to the place you are in. Instead, look forward, and never relinquish your input in your environment, wherever you find yourself.

I wanted to think seriously about NEVER relinquishing input in our environment. It still follows the argument of the 10000 hours, or the intentional focus on some thing that will make you excel as an individual. Some people argue that there are things that individuals have a talent for that exceeds the norm, and I buy into this idea. What I am finding is that there is always your heart. I mean that you have an identity deep inside of you. Your genetic code is unique, unless you are an identical twin, and even identical twins have vastly different personalities. Find your heart. Find your self, and be true to it.

I am going to keep it short, but my focus today is on maintaining self when the environment around doesn't encourage you to do so. For me, one of the ways that I maintain self, one of the means by which I feel strengthened is by encouraging others. I encourage myself to look forward by writing here to you and saying I think you are so valuable and worthwhile, I think that what is inside of you is worth finding and can change the world. I believe that what comes from your heart has more value to you than what others have convinced you you should be, and when you can see yourself in your everyday walkings around, you're more excited to live.

So, my advice? Live everyday from YOUR heart. Practice that.  

I Won't Change

3.) If things are not yet as I would have hoped, I won't change. This is part two of Resolution 2.) This doesn't mean ceasing to grow, but rather, it means not letting go of your hopes. Admit to your dreams and have faith in yourself, good is in you. I believe that.

One of the main hopes for this blog is to be a source of challenge in the lives of those who read it, starting with my life. I've found myself asking in the last few weeks "Is it possible to change yet remain yourself?" In the blog, you have been hearing about the saga that was my 2011 and all the unexpected life changes that occurred. I had knee (ACL reconstruction) surgery in October, and have spent the last four months on sick leave. Last week, after about a month of battles between my orthopaedic surgeon and myself, I succumbed to the reality of a second surgery. It isn't actual, invasive surgery mind you, it is MUA - Manipulation Under Anaesthetic. My leg, while now able to support my weight to a much greater extent, is not performing flexion or extension to a satisfactory degree - I have a limp, I can neither bend nor straighten it like a normally functioning leg, and the doctor has threatened me with permanent damage if I leave it. I will be admitted to Westshore Medical next Wednesday morning unless I back out, and while I am unconscious, the doctors will vigorously rotate the joint, hoping to break down a series of adhesions that they believe have developed, and that are preventing it from functioning properly. My physical therapist will see me immediately after (or that evening). The real syncher though? There's a chance that the doctor could dislodge the graft (my new ACL) because that has only been in 3 for months. Oh goodness.

I'm not going to go over all the things that have happened in my life lately, but I do want to reference them. They paint you a fairly good picture of where I'm coming from as an individual. A lot of really really crappy things have happened in my 2011, and I have been striving endlessly to hear the voice of God, and be obedient to the things I believe He has called me to. In this blog, I have hoped to maintain my reverence for Almighty God, and to remain ever, eternally grateful and uttering praise to God; the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That has been my heart.

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What is important to note is that I changed my life in a way that I didn't want to, in the name of obedience. I moved to Trinidad despite having an opportunity to stay in Texas, because this is where I felt God was leading me. I know a lot of people find it difficult to hear about God "leading" people quite so directly, but I believe that God is personal, and if you seek Him for direction, He offers it particularly, not just in general. I have experienced this in my own life more than a few times. So anyway, I came in obedience, and bad things happened. Good things also came out of me being in Trinidad, but nothing obvious. After a year, I was beginning to find myself questioning my own faith.

In January, I started a plan offered by my tablet bible app to read the bible in 90 days. I'm somewhere near  the Israelites getting out of the wilderness and Moses dying. If you've ever read through these chapters in their entirety, you'll know that the author(s) really tried to authenticate the experience of the reader by making it a long, drawn out process. I feel teased every time I go back, thinking "okay, surely this is the last of the wilderness stories I'll have to read?" But nevertheless, neither I, nor the Israelites are out of the wilderness yet.

As I considered the Israelites' story, I began to get uncomfortable. Everyone who has heard that story, has probably heard it in reference to how faithless, disobedient and pathetic the Israelites were, and how Awesome God was, that whole time. Let me tell you, everyone, I read through that, and by the middle of it, I couldn't even deny that I was kind of writhing in my seat with discomfort. Was I an ungrateful, faithless Israelite? Was that same God who threatened bloody murder and devastation the same God at work in my life? The first question was difficult, but not too much to consider, but the second question was world rocking, because I was, honestly, angry with, or somehow disconnected from that God. Yikes.

Have you ever felt that? I was talking to a friend of mine, and I was saying how it is kind of the "Worst thing in the world" for a Christian to think about their doubts. You either are a Christian or you are one of those scoffing sinners, right? These tend to be the marketed choices. I don't believe that. I believe that there is something really great to be said about the questions and the wrestling that comes out of being honest about the bad, as well as the good.

I think that the first step to answering a question about changing while staying the same would be to answer this: Who are you? Research on everything from learning styles to personality to the happiness project tells us not only that the more a person knows him or her self is the more equipped they become to function, but also that human nature is such that people are hungry for that insight. Sometimes you don't even know why you're doing something, or why a person or event rubs you quite so much in the wrong way because you haven't taken the time to explore your own past hurts or your current (maybe frightening) reaction to something. I'm here to suggest that you go ahead and feel your feelings. Go ahead and say your worst nightmare, or admit to that awful truth. I believe it will do you the world of good, and it will put you in a much better position to move forward.

My second step to answering that question would be to find out what is good you versus spoiled you. Some of the elements of you are not good. Some habits, some ways of thinking, some of your behaviours are not worth holding on to, even if they are the natural progression for you. These are spoiled you. In my life, this has meant admitting (sometimes for the first time) to some of the most embarrassing, ugly truths about myself, apologising to the people who these have affected, and seeing if I might be able to do things in a different way. It is as though you are a plant. You sprout leaves, where some are green, supple and healthy, but some are yellow, dry and sickly looking. A good farmer/gardener knows that you have to prune your plant's sickly leaves in order for it to flourish. The plant's health greatly improves after you prune off the leaves that take energy without producing good fruit. On the other side of that, some parts of your personality are different, even vastly so, than people in your life. There are things about you that make you incredibly unique in your space, and that is an excellent thing! Take a long, thorough assessment of you in all of your encounters with other people and find the things that make you different, but that really make you an asset. I promise you these things exist, and they are your keepers.

So, my little reflection this week is on this idea of a changing self, that remains the same. There is a core you, (your heart or your spirit) something that is at the essence of who you are, and this is what you should identify and try to maintain throughout your life. I think there is also a surface you that can use maintenance as you grow in your life. My personal goal is to be open to the pruning, to the cutting away of my spoiled leaves. I will confront the frightening feelings in order to produce good fruit, and I won't make apologies for the unique differences that fundamentally define me.

Any Day

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There's something about a Clean Slate

clean slate: an unsullied record; a record marked by creditable conduct: to start over with a clean slate. (Source)

Everywhere you turn, there are people talking about a fresh start, about leaving everything behind in the year gone by and starting anew. This is a simple escape for those of us who have been battling through the last twelve months. I think it is the hope and the determination that nothing lasts forever, that perhaps, with the changing of our years will come the changing of our circumstances. 

I picture us humans like a Blackboard that still has evidence of what was previously on it. I think this is the closest to our experiences in a year, or a culmination of years - heaven forbid we stay the blank slates we were born as, but heaven also forbid we maintain the written on insults, failings and otherwise unpleasant accumulations of a year. 


I guess I'm interested in hearing what areas others would like a clean slate in. For me, these are my top five clean slated topics for 2012:


1.) The label "Worst year (time) of my life"
2.) The label "Emotionally closed" 
3.) Thoughts for the future
4.) Feelings about my location
5.) What it means to be


Now look out for my next entry coming in the next few days (maybe even tomorrow) on changing in growth while ultimately staying "the same."

Push Back

Inertia: The vis insita, or innate force of matter, is a power of resisting by which every body, as much as in it lies, endeavours to preserve its present state, whether it be of rest or of moving uniformly forward in a straight line. Source

Push Back (A Poem)

Tell me something I don't know, I don't know

Tell me something new.

Is this the infamous life?

Is this me though, or You?

When the brown rain falls in earnest

Shall I pick up and run?

When the stains are on my shoulders,

Shall I deny it all, as "done?"

I tried that line before, but 

True stories are told on my shoulders, 

New me thinks so, too. 

Tell her what you learned

Tell her what you learned.

Believe no rain is wasted, until you do

Train your arms to speak

Don't lose the auspicious goo

Life is in your memory

Time makes you,

So lovely.

Oh the hope of forever slanting ground for you and me!