Hope Looks Like...

Soucre

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." - NLT, Proverbs 13:12

 Hello everyone, I've been absent once again because I spent the last two weeks settling back in, getting used to my schedule and the time difference. My time in England and Scotland was fabulous, and really helpful in terms of giving me some much needed perspective. I think I mentioned that I quit my corporate job in favour of doing some consultant work for them, and turning my full attention to my private practice. Shortly after I moved to Trinidad, I felt as though I should be opening my own business but I had a transatlantic allowance worth of baggage to deal with. I didn't want to stay. I had made plans. I had hopes I couldn't see fulfillment for if I stayed.

For some people, their experience of God is more about moral guidance than it is about life choices. For example, people may let their religious identity dictate whether or not they drink alcohol, go clubbing, have casual sex or attend a church. They may do this, but when it comes to taking a particular job or moving/staying in a given location, they might feel like that is a matter of their personal preference. My experience of God sometimes makes me a bit self-conscious, because I seek Him when making the decisions that many Christians even think are "personal." When I moved to Trinidad, it was because I felt a "calling" here. I didn't want to come, and when I felt sure that this was what I should do, I cried. This isn't something easily explained to anyone, and it's especially difficult as it becomes more and more trendy to be concrete and seemingly empirical about life, and life-decisions. Evidence based practice is the only thing people want to hear about from peer reviewed journals, even when talking about the day-to-day activities of life.

There is no peer reviewed, evidence based practice when it comes to my spirit and heart though, and no empirically sound statement that covers every crevice of my dreams. For me, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. This is the very argument that someone might use to criticise me for making decisions that no one can argue with (how do you compete with God?!).  It's not that I'm afraid to make my own decisions, and it's not like I haven't taken the time to formulate my own opinion. People have talked about how Christians romanticise definitions of faith when really they're exercising stupidity, and I am quite weary of this. I've seen their point, and it makes me feel shy about my own. I depend on God. I have had a very good and very diverse education, and I'm aware of some very un-Christian schools of thought, but I still have faith. What makes this experience of faith different from that of some religious people?  In my opinion, your faith should NEVER attempt to convince someone else of your beliefs or experience. The motivation for sharing that faith, in my mind, should never be to change someone's mind.

My faith in God is never about other people's behaviour. It's always about what I think God is calling me to do. I think that Christians are most offensive when they are so convinced of their amazing "rightness" that they want to bludgeon it into other people.That's when I find them most offensive anyway. I believe that the more you attempt to sell faith to others by showing them how wrong they were is the further away from you they'll run. That being said, my faith is such that I do seek God when making decisions about life. I do believe that God offers guidance that no one else can, and I will sacrifice my original hopes and dreams if I can feel closer to God in a decision I feel called to. The only evidence I can offer you that that is viable for me is in the satisfaction I experience in my spirit and heart when I feel closer (instead of further away) from God. All of this is a digression though, as my real point is about the experience of hope when faith seems to contradict it. I've rambled enough though, so perhaps I'll communicate these thoughts in a poem:

(Retro)Hope

What joy is this when I'm okay in not okay

You wouldn't understand if I told you, 

There's nothing to show for my time yet, but there is. 

Did you see what just happened? 

Did I miss the moment just then?

I'll look back six months, a year from now

I'll look back,

How many times have I counted the dots?

Spaced perfectly, they connect my dreams to me

Isn't it funny?

And to think I thought I'd be here forever.

Things change, whether we want that or not

Things change, even when we cry they won't

And I'm still here,

I'm alive, even.

Slowly, hope seeps into now,

A morph from one image to another

Change. Life. Dreams Alive.

I'll look back and count the dots I see.

A Shiny Toe.

I'm sorry that it's been so long since I've written, I'm currently in Shotley Bridge, Northumberland and have been to Miami, Ft. Lauderdale, Charlotte North Carolina, Philadelphia, London, Edinburgh Scotland, The Lake District in Cumbria and some other parts of North/North East England. A whirlwind of a trip it's been so far, but so so valuable to me. It was Tuesday, I think, when I was in Scotland that I saw one of those very European monuments for the Scottish Philosopher David Hume on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh. I noticed something really interesting about it as we walked by, and I thought I'd share it with you.

With my layman's assessment of these European statues, and no background in art history, I looked at Hume's monument with no real concept of what material the sculpture had been cast in. I just hadn't considered it one way or the other. That was until I looked at his right toe. If you look closely at the second picture above, you can see that Hume's right foot juts out slightly and the toe is suspended off of the statue base. At about one and a half times the actual size, the toe reaches a person of average height at their eye level, essentially making it the easiest thing to touch. After seeing Edinburgh Castle and Gladstone's Land, I was in tourist mode in Edinburgh. Everything is highly protected and picture taking and touching is limited where it isn't prohibited, so you assume everything is from a surreal, ancient time. The style of the sculpture also helps to take you to some other era, where men from climates like Scotland's wear togas in the middle of the city (The fact that he's wearing a Roman toga is the subject of another interesting, albeit irrelevant side-note, but I digress).

So back to the sculpture, and David Hume's toe. Though the statue is actually not that old, it is in the uncovered path of the elements, and has eroded to the blueish-green of many open air brass sculptures. All but his right toe. Hume's sculpture toe has been the lucky receptor of daily polishing by millions every year. Since the statue was finished in 1995, people trying to get a little bit closer have reached out and touched the right toe, making it the only shiny, clearly brass section of the sculpture. I enjoyed the discovery of his shiny toe, and it made me think about people in a similar way.

Have you ever met someone who surprised you with something really interesting and lovely in their character? I think it probably happens most obviously when you're falling in love. If it sounds cheesy, bare with me. I haven't written in a while, plus I really believe this. I think that most of us are a little bit eroded by the elements of our life, as we stand in their direct path. Where you notice your own erosion, you might think about how to get your shine back (read: work through your "issues"), but think about the instances where others either know or see that you clearly are a more beautiful material on the inside than what you're presenting in the moment. Imagine; just think about the people in your life who actively polish (read: affirm, encourage, speak life into) you. Imagine now how many opportunities pass each of us by because we didn't think to polish.

Tonight (it's a quarter to eleven p.m. here), I'm thinking about polish. I'm thinking about how simply reaching out and touching someone can change their very appearance to the rest of the world. It's not that hard, and it doesn't even require elbow grease. Who are the eroded brass sculptures in your life? How do you think you can touch them? My personal effort is going to be to vocalise those positive behaviours I see in the people in my life. I'm starting with affirmation, and looking for more shiny toes.

Oblivion

I watch the crowds, and the ones

Time could not change a heart.

Imagine yourself, somewhere else

Time doesn't always bring your dreams home.

Dancing feelings haunt my dreams

And the minutes do nothing for me

Where could you be, here? 

Where could I?

I climb to the top of my thoughts

To find that they lead to new ones.

I build a tower of theories,

That blows away with conversation

A vast desert can't dry this 

A day in the sun saps nothing

Try reason,

Try release.

Look at the world, 

Isn't it pretty?

Look at the whole, 

Isn't it...

Defending Your Honour

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Today's post is about self-impression. How do you view yourself? Psychology tells us that people take their self impressions into every relationship they have - your core beliefs dictate how you interact with others, at least to some extent. Self-aware people might work to challenge their negative core beliefs, acting with faith that in a particular relationship, things can be different (read: better), while people who are less self aware will not even realise when they orchestrate their relationships to if not prove, then test their negative hypotheses about the world, and people around them. Most people use impressions of themselves and others to navigate the world around them. You look at others, and you compare that behaviour to the impressions you have about them. If it's the same, you're fine, but if it's different most people are troubled by this.

For example, if you go to a movie theatre and attempt to purchase tickets for a movie but the attendant sings happily instead of attending to your request, you'll be annoyed by this, right? Your impression is that if you walk up to the box office and make a movie request, you should receive service. Another example has to do with beliefs you have about yourself. Most of us prefer to think of ourselves as capable, confident and positioned as a relevant member of our societies. When we are in conversation with others, and we find ourselves dishonoured, disrespected or somehow offended, but we fail to interject a protest, most of us walk away from those moments feeling badly about ourselves. Why didn't I know what to say to him/her? I should have told him/her where to get off... Your impression of yourself is that you are a confident and relevant part of the world you live in, and any (be it brief or extended) moment you don't feel that way is upsetting. You need(ed) to counter this other impression (a negative self-impression) with a positive one. In this case, the counter could be to say "I don't like that..." to the person directly or to rationalise in your own mind that that person isn't informed enough to speak about your worth, or impact, etc. Sometimes I think of this as defending your own honour, and it's an important skill to develop to have healthy relationships.

Defending your honour gives you and the other person an opportunity to clarify your/their position, and in the case of the offender, it gives them an opportunity to make amends. If you do this pretty promptly, you can avoid so much tension in your work/home/church/club relationships. Now, this sounds like a pretty basic concept, right? But how often are you practising this in a week? The other side to this is how healthy is the relationship you have with yourself? You can also defend your honour to yourself. In fact, sometimes our own private critiques are the most relentless and brutal of them all. When you think something negative about yourself, or your life, do you counter it with something more positive? How often are you comparing the positive evidence with one negative impression?

Living Like You Mean

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The logic has left, I tell you!

It is no longer here.

The logic has left, be sure

For no one stands free of their care

In a recession you attempt your dreams?

In a leap of faith you clutch for stability?

Sometimes, you know nothing

Sometimes, you know nothing

And that's just right.

The logic has left, I tell you!

It's gone.

Try dancing a waltz to Beiber

Or crowning the new King of Holland, Queen.

In the middle of the story, you want to know the end?

In the silence before crescendo, you want to scream?

Sometimes you know nothing

Sometimes you know nothing

And that's just right.

The logic has left, I tell you!

It's totally fricking gone.

Try hoping for that unseen,

Or living like you mean. 

The logic has left, I tell you!

It is no longer here.

The logic has left, be sure

For no one stands free of their care.

Struggling With Balance: How Do I Dream?

Lately, I've been in a struggle to figure out what it means to live well in the context of what you hope for, versus what is. Shortly after I moved to this twin-island nation two years and four months ago, I adapted the phrase "It is time to admit to your dreams!" as the closing tagline of my emails. At first, this was my own therapeutic intervention for the panic that ensued after certain dreams failed to materialise. Then, this turned into a more obscure concept.

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Where my original idea was that you needed to dream big and put the bricks to that dream one on top of the other until you built it, my second idea was that my dreams, and your dreams only give us information about what we want based on the current information we have. Now bare with me, because I'm thinking as I'm typing about this one. What if our dreams are only the ushers to an unknown future? I have to admit, that in my life up to now I have been quite rigid about my dreams. I remember a conversation I had with my cousins who are almost a decade my seniors and we discussed dreams and how many goals we'd achieved for our lives. My older cousins, both a part of the workforce for several years, resounded with "Not nearly all of them." I found this interesting, and probed for more information. One of my cousins said that once you get out of school, it starts becoming harder and harder to control what does and does not happen for you.

Here lies my struggle: while I agree that there are no guarantees in this life, and once certain milestones are achieved, you become even more open to the circumstances of chance - Wait...what? Do I believe this?

Psalm 37:23 ESV / 7 helpful votes

The steps of a man are established by the Lord,when he delights in his way; 

Okay, so no, not really. Maybe if I believed in nothing, no higher power then I'd believe that I become more susceptible to the circumstances of chance as I get older, but here's the real dilemma: free will and nature versus fatalism. If free will awards every human the right to choose good or evil and nature reacts without justice, then how do I reconcile the goodness of God with the consequences of evil action or unjust nature (e.g. Mummies dying or natural disasters)?

Romans 8:28 ESV / 6 helpful votes

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 

Is this a contradiction? Many others have written about this before me; the struggle of seeing God as loving in the face of all that is hateful and unjust, so I won't repeat it here. I will just say that the latter verse doesn't promise only good in the lives of those who love God, but that He will cause the circumstances of a person's life to work out for good, regardless of how they originated. I would call this hope. One of the main dangers in the condition of depression is the complete loss of hope. Despair is the space where a person becomes convinced that nothing will ever change. My main focus in this post is on the idea of dreams as our vehicles to move through life and on living well as a result. A few posts ago I wrote about the importance of movement in keeping us hopeful about our future, and this is the next step.

What if one of the major causes of despair is that we consider our dreams as destinations instead of vehicles? In a world like ours where goodness is not the only factor at work, it means that 100% of outcomes can't be good. It means that everything we hope for, won't happen. This is true, but where God's promises step in there is hope - regardless of how events originated, God causes things to work together for good. Hope! If you believe Romans 8:28 then you have something to clutch to - something good will come out of every bad thing. If you believe in Psalm 37:23 then you can calm some of your existential angst with the hope that your delight in God and prayerful seeking might mean that you make better decisions than if you just tried to orchestrate your life on your own. Hope!

I hope you take this post in the spirit in which it is intended - this is a discussion, as always and in this particular post, you all peek at one of my struggles. I don't mean that the presence or absence of dreams is a direct correlate of depression, although it is well known that hopelessness is a clear feature of the condition. This is not a condemning position, nor one meant to offer causation for depression. Neither is this post intended to replace medical treatment or professional therapy. Take care of yourself as much as you can. This post is intended to raise the subject of dreams as energy that drives us forward. The intention here is to challenge you in the way you think about the things you hope for - MUST you have them exactly, or can you accept that your pursuit of dreams (whether they come to pass or not) might play a crucial role in walking you through the life that God intends for you?

Sigh: Love As it Was Made To Be

Sigh No More

Serve God, love me and mend

This is not the end

Lived unbruised, we are friends

And I'm sorry

I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more

One foot in sea and one on shore

My heart was never pure

And you know me

You know me

But man is a giddy thing

Oh man is a giddy thing

Oh man is a giddy thing

Oh man is a giddy thing

Love it will not betray you

Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free

Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment, a cry

Of my heart to see,

The beauty of love as it was made to be

- Mumford & Sons

Love as it was made to be...

I haven't posted recently because I feel bombarded by the details of my own life. Yes, therapists feel like that too. So much is going on that it's hard to focus. What do you know about love as it was meant to be? I have been faced with a number of situations lately where I have had to explore that definition. It turns out that what you actually do in a situation where the people you care about act badly is where your love level can be defined. Are you forgiving? Do you hold it against the person because they're awkward or not self-aware? In the last few weeks, I've been both the wrong-doer and the victim of bad behaviour, and it's made me think about grace. 

Merrian-Webster defines grace in the following ways:

a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b : a virtue coming from God

c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

I think that this is our redemption right here - in grace, we are made sanctified or regenerated. In our relationship with God, this happens on a daily basis. We make a decision to be a certain way, but then the fallen humanness in us causes us to err. God doesn't hold this against us and end the relationship, but He offers His grace to all who would accept it. He is perfect. I think one of the reasons people find this so difficult to accept is that in human relationships, this is hard to do. Most people distrust others to do right by them 100% of the time, and this is because people are incapable of doing right by others all of the time. It is a form of self preservation to be cautious in relationships, to ask "Do I give this person another chance?" but love says that we must. 

We don't even have to talk about the serious offences that people commit against us, we can start with the little annoying habits of the people in our lives - the passive aggression, the silence, the hostility, the anger. I want to tell you that sometimes, you are a perpetrator as am I. Do you offer your people grace? Or, do you become angered by their neuroses? Today's post is about having grace for the people in your life. It's about holding back long enough to see the bigger picture. An annoying behaviour might be a sign of someone else's prison, rather than their malice. Try to see things differently, and give them the same grace that you also need.  

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